There are so many definitions of a friend but sometimes the simplest and most straightforward definition is the best.

 Yes, this definition of friendship may seem so obvious to many, but sometimes we can forget it so easily.

It is said that we are lucky if we can count our true friends with more than one hand. I guess I am one of the lucky ones to have more than five in my life.

I also believe that ones loving partner should be our best friend of all.

Are you being the best kind of friend you can be?

Do the people you call your friends have these qualities?

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“Friendship is a term used to denote co-operative and supportive behavior between two (or more) beings. In this sense, the term connotes a relationship that involves mutual knowledge esteem and affection and respect along with a degree of rendering service to friends in times of need or crisis.

Friends will welcome each other's company and exhibit loyalty towards each other, often to the point of altruism. Their tastes will usually be similar and may converge, and they will share enjoyable activities. They will also engage in mutually helping behavior, such as exchange of advice and the sharing of hardship.

A friend is someone who may often demonstrate reciprocating and reflective behaviors. Yet for many, friendship is nothing more than the trust that someone or something will not harm them.

The value that is found in friendships is often the result of a friend demonstrating the following on a consistent basis:

- The tendency to desire what is best for the other,

- Sympathy and empathy,

- Honesty, perhaps in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth, especially in terms of pointing out the perceived faults of one's counterpart

- mutual understanding.”

(from Wiki)

"When all around becomes so dark, we cannot see, even ourselves.

In darkness, it's so easy to stop seeing the light and all the beautiful things in our partner; all the wonderful reasons we came together and loved and admired each other in the first place.

When things become so dark, we get scared and we feel alone. This is natural. Even when we reach out our hand for each other, we cannot see and it is easy to miss and pass right by. And then we fear that the other is not there for us.

In fear, we cannot see or hear clearly or properly. Our sight, hearing and senses are too narrowed and not wide as normal. This is how humans are.

In a sea of darkness it is easy to float and drift away from each other as we panic and try to deal with our own fears and our own survival. In this way, it is so easy to begin to believe that the one we love and depend on most to be there by our side... the one we trust so much to be there for us when we need them most... has left us forever.

In darkness, the only things which can keep us together is the faith and trust is our partners love and commitment that, one day, they will find their way back.

In the meantime, all we can do is shine our own light as bright as we can."

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A story.

Many years ago, I cycled with my best friend up the west coast of India in a journey and adventure that started in Trevandrum, in the southern tip of India, all the way to Mumbai. From there, we left our bicycles behind and journeyed further north, all the way to the foothills of the Himalayas.

During this epic journey, one morning just before dawn, we somehow lost each other in the middle of nowhere in the south. It was duringn a short train trip we took to visit the famous Kala Caves (the location of the movie "A Passage to India").

It was a silly, small mistake with dire consequences. When we arrived at Kala at 4am, our bicycles were still in the baggage carriage at the front of the train. We ran long the platform from out sleeper carriage at the back of the train to unload our bicycles. But, we did not realise that, due to an error on the paperwork on the bikes (our error), the baggage handler refused to release then to us. During the argument that followed, the train began to pull away, and all we could do was jump back on and hope we could sort it out at the next stop.

We found ourselves standing in an over crowded 3rd class carriage filled with sleeping bodies, crying children, filth and old newspaper and rubbish everywhere. 

Twenty minutes later the train pulled in to the next station, in the middle of nowhere, 400km south of Mumbai. We again tried to reason with the baggage handlers to release our bikes, but they refused because of the paperwork. No matter what we tried they insisted the bikes must go to Mumbai and that we should take the matter up with authorities there. 

Frustrated, tired and confused, we did not know what to do. In the end, we decided to try one more time at the next stop. Suddenly, my buddy decided to make a run to go back to out sleeper carriage, some 100 meters down the platform. I decided to stay where I was, next to the baggage carriage.

As the train pulled away, I could hear a lot of noise and commotion outside. People were waking up and looking out the window cheering and laughing. I looked out the door and saw my buddy running as fast as he could along the platform, trying to keep up with the increasing speed of the train. He was grabbing at every door handle he could, desperately trying to open one so he could jump on the train. I yelled at him, along with everyone else, hoping he would make it. But try as he could, all his efforts were in vain; all the door were locked on the inside.

Finally, he ran out of platform and I watched him fall to his knees and throw up from the exertion. At the last minute I screamed at him: “I will see you in Mumbia!”. And he looked up and screamed back: “I will see you at Kala!”

Neither of us knew at that time that neither of us heard the other.

I stood there in the crowd of that 3^rd class carriage, zooming along into the morning light, surrounded by smiling all the smiling locals. I wondered what would happen next. I looked at what I had and I then saw I had even more trouble ahead. In the confusion, we had taken each others’ bags by mistake, so he had my passport and I had his. He had all the cash, and I had none. He had the paperwork for the bikes, I had no paperwork at all, not even the tickets. Everything was swapped. I crouched on the floor and held my head and wondered what to do.

Later that day, I arrived at Victoria Station in Mumbai; a massive British-built building, looking rather like St Paul’s cathedral, with its imposing dome on top; proudly standing in the middle of this bloated city of bustle and insanity. With some smooth talking, and a little polite begging, I was let out of the station and onto the street. No money, no passport, nothing but the clothes on my back. And I knew that my buddy would be in the same situation wherever he was.

Next to Victoria Station is the main Mumbai GPO post office. When I walked past, I had an idea. When we left Sydney to fly to India, my buddy had forgotten to bring his credit card (I didn’t have one) and he wanted it for emergencies. He’d mentioned that he would perhaps get his girlfriend to mail it to him via the Post Restante service. I figured it would be worth a try, even though a long shot idea, to see if she had mailed it to Mumbai.

I went inside and asked and, sure enough, they had a letter address to my buddy. They wouldn’t give it to me to see what it was, but at least I knew it was there. Now I knew that the only chance I had of seeing my buddy again and getting out of this situation was if he could make his way to Mumbai to collect his letter from his girlfriend.

Standing outside on the huge steps of the G.P.O. I looked out at a the millions of people, cars, bicycles, carts, dogs, buses, stalls and everything all swirling in a mass that makes up Mumbai. Imagine the busiest area of Bangkok, then increase everything there by at least a hundred and you will have some idea of the immensity of this city. Suddenly, I felt so small and completely insignificant against it all. Suddenly I was no better off than the lowest beggar on the street; perhaps even worse, since I had no idea where to go from here and no local knowledge at all. I had nothing.

I sat on those steps for a long time that afternoon, watching the Indian world go by. It was Good Friday and I could smell sweet hot cross buns cooking somewhere. I felt so hungry and alone. I wondered if my buddy had heard me when I yelled at him from the train and I wondered how long it would take him to reach Mumbai with no money or passport… or if he even could.

What I didn’t know at that time, as I sat there, was that my buddy had jumped another train and made his way to Kala station where he had yelled to me that he would wait for me. Huddled somewhere in the station there, hundreds of kilometers south, he was making his own plans to survive and had decided to give me 3 days to arrive to him.

So, there I sat, all day and all night, waiting on those stone steps of the Mumbai GPO; my only hope was to stay there and believe my buddy would eventually turn up. I got to know the local beggars and touts who worked the street outside and a few of the workers and regulars to the post office. At night I could hardly sleep, though the beggars told me the best ways and where to sleep to avoid the huge rats that prowled and scavenged the streets each night. Some kindhearted travelers helped me with bits of food, but I never took anyone’s money, nor did I ever ask or expect it.

In the end, I waited on those steps for 5 days. Then, suddenly, just before sunset, my buddy finally arrived! He’d waited the full 3 days for me, and then figured that I wasn’t coming so spent the next 2 days dodging inspectors, hopping from different trains to get to Mumbai as fast as he could.

Needless to say that we both needed to get a good feed as soon as we could get our money, and now we had our passports, we got ourselves a decent room to wash and sleep.

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Faith and Hope can sometimes do amazing things.

Have a great day :)

I lost my best friend and the love of my life recently and, if I knew then what I know now, perhaps this would not have happened. Perhaps the outcome would have been different. I don’t know. I cannot turn back time, but I can try to learn what happened from the whole experience and perhaps, if she is reading this, she can too.

It is both wrong and pointless to lay blame on her or me. In Thai there is a saying: “two hands clapping” and I do believe this is true in this case. It would be easy to say that the problem was all about her anger, but really, as a loving partner, it is also my responsibility to do all I can to care for her well-being and happiness. Anger was not the core problem. The problem was neither of us knew how to deal with it or solve it…or even what it actually is.

Looking back now I realize that, because I didn’t know or really understand what was going on, I actually acted selfishly, judgmentally and self-centeredly. Like a terrible nightmare, the more I seemed to do and the more I reacted, the worst things became in what seemed to be an endless cycle over which I was helpless.

Instead of holding her in my arms when she really needed me the most, I pushed her away, blaming her for the pain I felt she was causing me. In all the confusion and mess and brutal words I failed to listen... I could not hear her tiny whisper asking me to help and to be there for her, and not let her down. It is this that fills me with the deepest regret and sadness. And it is this I believe that caused us to destroy what was an almost perfect loving partnership and friendship.

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In my last journal, I posted some information that I had found about anger, and more specifically what I could see was perhaps the type of anger that caused us our problems. To put things in context, here is the core of that:

Using anger to control

One aspect of anger is that it can be an effective method of control; that is control over situations and control over people.  It can overpower the opposition, and it can create timidity and even fear on the part of other people so that they dare not cross or disagree with the angry one.  But this kind of behavior can be harmful, and even devastating to relationships

In many cases, it is wise to consider the person more than the issue.  One may win an argument, but the other individual may be hurt and alienated.  People frequently get so involved with the subject at hand that this is a fact that escapes them.  Children complain about an angry parent, and, in later years when they look back, they hardly remember the issues, but they do remember the anger.

It is tragic when a person is afflicted with what is called ‘floating hostility’.  This is hostility that is just below the surface and which frequently erupts.  It can spew out on a family member or a fellow worker. The angry one justifies his or her anger by the event, "He deserved it; look what he did."… ignoring the fact that it causes hurt feelings.  The angry one either does not realize it or does not care.

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In hindsight, what could have been done?

It can be a very difficult experience to be in a relationship with someone who acts out in anger. It is often emotionally disturbing, incredibly frustrating and sometimes even frightening.

It is vital to know and remember that for a person with anger control issues, the anger is their problem… it's eating at them. It's not about you at all. You just happen to be the one they are crying out to for help. How you choose to deal with the angry person cannot only help you but perhaps even help lead the angry person to find peace.

Some options.

There are several options open in how to handle an out of control person. The first option would be to run the other way. That's easy to do if you happen to be in a store or something of the sort, but not so easy if you are their loving partner.

The second option is to strike back with a vengeance. This is human nature. When someone hurts you, our first initial reaction is often to return hurt for hurt and pain for pain. But this isn't right. Returning vengeance for a wrong done only makes you look bad, and it only puts a burden on your heart. The angry person is seeking love and acceptance, but often they are so filled with that love simply has no room in their heart.

The third option is the hardest but the most rewarding, and that is to listen to the person and let them throw all the anger they can muster at you because the angry person isn't really striking at us to hurt us, even though that often happens. They are striking at us in hopes that we are strong enough to handle what they are throwing at us, needing someone not to run away, but to listen to them.

It is important to draw a distinction between the feeling of anger and the expression of that anger. Understanding what your partner is going through when he acts angrily can be an enlightening experience, may help you their side of it better, and in itself can be a healing process.

You cannot control your partner’s feelings. And you can’t tell them whether or not s/he “should” be angry. Your partner has the same right to whatever feelings s/he possesses as you do. The feeling of anger in itself is not bad, and therefore there’s no need to address that. Let your partner have her/his angry feelings. They are her/his to have.

But you should be aware that angry action in a relationship can be destructive, especially if it is affecting either you in negative ways.

Having said that, we have to remember that no one is perfect, and there are probably going to be times in your relationship when one or both of you become angry. That is inevitable and it’s natural.

The issue at hand is angry action that happens over and over again without any apparent attempts to control it. This kind of anger is a problem and can poison your relationship.

The truth is that angry action is the angry person’s responsibility. But, there are some things you can do that may help clarify your own expectations in the relationship and perhaps avoid unnecessary angry outbursts.

The first thing to do is have a conversation about his or her angry outbursts, if your partner is capable of it. If you don’t think you can manage this, or if you think s/he can’t manage it without blowing up into an angry fit or becoming defensive, then you might need professional intervention. If you do think there is a possibility, though, talk with your partner about your frustrations with their anger.

This conversation should take place at a time when he is not tired, hungry, or already angry. In this conversation you should take a non-accusatory position (you may even express some understanding of the angry feelings if you do actually understand them), but at the same time you want to make it clear what his angry behavior is doing to you and that it is harming your relationship.

Write down one or more “I” statements (“I feel this when…) that get across your reaction with the least accusatory tone. Be as clear as you can about your expectations. Tell your angry partner specifically what in her/his behavior causes you distress.

If you offer a suggestion such as talking it over with you, then you have to be willing, under stress, to put yourself in listening mode to really understand what s/he is saying, without criticizing him if he is not telling you in a proper or good way.

The other side of this coin is analyzing your own actions and making sure you aren’t doing things to unnecessarily provoke your spouse to anger. You aren’t responsible for their angry actions, but you are responsible for what you do and say. The following is important enough to warrant repeating:

In communicating with the partner who acts out her/his anger your best chance of making a change in the pattern is for you to put yourself in listening and understanding mode as I explained above.

Other tools.

Many loving relationships turn sour just because of the fact that acrimonious words are said during outbursts of anger. This does not mean that the couple does not love each other. These angry exchanges result from differing motives, varied interests and philosophies. But if you truly want to try and make things better between the two of you, there are some solutions that you can try. Neither of these solutions is all-encompassing. No human relationships is identical and what may work for one pair may not work with another couple. Additionally, for some, combinations of these may work best.

Try and listen – Many couples stop actually listening to the other person after spending some initial time together. This can be disastrous to a relationship. A relationship requires sharing information, desires, ideas and frustrations. Giving a quite ear to listen will not only ensure a catharsis for your partner but will also give you an insight into the dynamic and changing personality of your spouse. Even during an angry outburst amidst being insulted, blamed and insinuations, maintain a calm demeanor. Have a rule that says that only one person can have an outburst at one time. Ignore the thoughts, rationalizations and excuses that come to your mind while you are being lambasted.

Introspection – Look deep inside and think whether certain actions of yours have caused a flare up in your partner. You may have done something or said something inadvertently that resulted in aggressive behavior. If you really know your partner then you will definitely be able think of the reasons behind a specific fight or argument.

Do not be judgmental – Do not regard the thoughts and feelings of your partner as trivial and unworthy of attention. You may not be able to empathize with what your spouse is going through but you need to appreciate that he or she is a different individual and may have different emotional triggers. Trivializing the issue at hand can make matters worse since it is seen as belittling. If you cannot try and understand why your partner is feeling in a certain manner the least you can do is to not say counter-productive remarks like ‘you should not feel like this’.

Take time off – Decide to not speak to each other for a period of time if an argument is becoming too heated. If you feel the anger swelling up inside you due to something that was said, tell your partner that you will not converse till a more pleasant manner is assumed. Let it be known that you cannot tolerate being spoken down to, humiliated and belittled by blames and accusations.

Just stop – If both of you are having issues with dealing with anger, decide a signal or a code that you will use when the temperature begins to rise. This should be respected at all times and irrespective of anything. At times like this both of you need to back off, try and let out steam and calm yourself before talking again.

(I've been doing a lot of personal research over the past 2 weeks on the subject of anger. Here is a summery of some of the things I have found. Perhaps they may be of interest to someone.) 

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Anger  noun

1. a strong emotion; a feeling that is oriented toward some real or perceived grievance 

2. the state of being angry 

3. belligerence aroused by a real or perceived wrong or threat (personified as one of the deadly sins)

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Causes

Most commonly, those who experience anger explain its arousal as a result of "what has happened to them" and in most cases the described provocations occur immediately before the anger experience. Such explanations confirm the illusion that anger has a discrete external cause. The angry person usually finds the cause of his anger in an intentional, personal, and controllable aspect of another person's behavior. This explanation is however based on the intuitions of the angry person who experiences a loss in self-monitoring capacity and objective observability as a result of their angry emotion.

According to Britannica Encyclopedia, an internal infection can also cause pain that in turn can activate anger.

Key Points

- Being angry or frustrated is just like being under the influence of a drug. It prevents you from rationalizing and thinking logically.

- Anger is caused by a combination of an irrational perception of reality and a low frustration point.

Internal Sources of Anger

Our internal sources of anger come from our irrational perceptions of reality. Psychologists have identified four types of thinking that contribute to anger.

1. Emotional reasoning. People who reason emotionally misinterpret normal events and things that other people say as being directly threatening to their needs and goals. People who use emotional reasoning tend to become irritated at something innocent that other people tell them because they perceive it as an attack on themselves. Emotional reasoning can lead to dysfunctional anger in the long run.

2. Low frustration tolerance. All of us at some point have experienced a time where our tolerance for frustration was low. Often stress-related anxiety lowers our tolerance for frustration and we begin to perceive normal things as threats to our well-being or threats to our ego.

3. Unreasonable expectations. When people make demands, they see things as how they should be and not as they really are. This lowers their frustration tolerance because people who have unreasonable expectations expect others to act a certain way, or for uncontrollable events to behave in a predictable manner. When these things do not go their way, then anger, frustration, and eventually depression set in.

4. ‘People-rating’ is an anger-causing type of thinking where the person applies a derogatory label on someone else. By rating someone as a “bitch” or a “bastard,” it dehumanizes them and makes it easier for them to become angry at the person.

 

Using anger to control

One aspect of anger is that it can be an effective method of control; that is control over situations and control over people.  It can overpower the opposition, and it can create timidity and even fear on the part of other people so that they dare not cross or disagree with the angry one.  But this kind of behavior can be harmful, and even devastating to relationships.  It also brings about an unhealthy situation in which other employees, friends, or family members get together to plan how to circumvent the problems created by the angry one, which means that he or she is detrimentally excluded from councils which clearly are of the utmost importance.

In many cases, it is wise to consider the person more than the issue.  One may win an argument, but the other individual may be hurt and alienated.  People frequently get so involved with the subject at hand that this is a fact that escapes them.  Children complain about an angry parent, and, in later years when they look back, they hardly remember the issues, but they do remember the anger.

It is tragic when a person is afflicted with what is called ‘floating hostility’.  This is hostility that is just below the surface and which frequently erupts.  It can spew out on a family member or a fellow worker, or on the people one comes in contact with every day: the waiter, the gas station attendant, or the salesperson.  The angry one justifies his or her anger by the event, "He deserved it; look what he did."… ignoring the fact that it causes hurt feelings.  The angry one either does not realize it or does not care.

At various times, as there are cyclical swings in the field of psychiatry, people are encouraged to express their anger, to "let their feelings out."  A common phrase is: "My emotions should be validated."  Clearly, if one's feelings are bottled up and the person does not have reasonable freedom to express them, the situation should be addressed, and many a person has been helped by therapy in this regard. 

But we have also seen situations in which the "Express-your-anger" concept has been overdone, and has been taken as a license to "let fly", to the detriment or loss of relationships.  This questionable method is frequently used to control other people, perhaps unconsciously.

Can a person modify one's excessive anger and floating hostility to benefit relationships?  It depends on how much he or she values the relationships.  But, even more, it depends on the ability to identify the problem and the willingness to change.  People have such a capacity for self-anesthesia that they often are not aware of some of the things they are doing in life.  Individuals with floating hostility continually justify it by citing the situations that confront them, rather than realizing it is their attitude that brings them trouble.

Centuries ago Aristotle said it best, "Anyone can become angry - that is easy.  But to be angry at the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not easy."

Some people justify their actions with the classic inevitability theory: "My father was angry.  I was born angry.  I am angry.  I will continue to be angry."  However, with the identification of the problem and the desire, behavior can be modified.  After all, there are people who formerly got angry very easily, and who do not any more!  And there are those who dropped other unfortunate characteristics which their parents had, such as overweight, excessive drinking, and unfaithfulness and which they at one time thought were dictated by birth.  Despite what some people think, such personal traits are not irrevocably inherited.

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Robots require only a source of energy and a series of commands to function. They're purely logical. So…why are people so much more complicated?

 

The answer can be summed up in one word:

 

“Pride."

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- has good spead of existing clients, mostly multinational

- in Bkk 5 years already 

- also has office in HK (since 1986)

- good, talented staff

- state of the art equipment and facilities 

- awesome office studio space in prime location with off street parking, plus client parking

- business growing, with little direct competition

- would consider sharing some space to like-business such as web designers etc 

- Investment TB2 million required...work permit for foreigner could be included

- investment buys a significant stake.

- All financials, documents and business plans available. 

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Please ONLY genuine inquiries PM me.

Cheers. 

Take care everyone,

Marc 

For those few folks who might want to know, today is my 13th day without cigarettes and I think I have finally kicked the habit and that ugly 'monkey on my back' is almost gone.

The first 4 days were hell, and I isolated myself at home and just dealt with all the demons alone. Oh, they come, those demons, and play games and tricks with the mind and try many things.... "come on... just one cigarette… you can have one... its ok...just one puff... just have one cigarette and all this pain will go away.. you know it will…" Those tricky demons in my head drove me so crazy for hours at a time over those first days. At times I was on my knees, head in hands, a complete and physical emotional wreck. This was the power those cigarettes had gained over me for so many years.

During all this time, my gf had really no idea, empathy or understanding of what i was going through, even though I tried to explain. I can’t expect her to understand, nor can I ask for any sympathy, since this is my own, self-created problem and addiction.

Each day I wake up now, I can feel my body is healing more, my sense of smell and taste is returning. I can breath deeply again and I have more energy. My eyes are clearer and so is my head.

But, the irony is that now I have gained so much, but I’ve lost my sunshine - the one who was my inspiration for me to go through all of this and finally give up. She was the final reason to choose life rather than a slow death.

So, for what it’s worth, here’s my advice to anyone who is considering giving up an addiction – Getting over a serious addiction (such as cigarettes) is a very self-indulgent, self-absorbing process. Make sure your relationship is solid, make sure the people closest to you FULLY understand the process, and make sure you have a lot of support, faith and patience from those around you BEFORE you start.

Cheers (from a non-smoker)