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Does This Make Me Look Fat?

Gentlemen, this list is a warning. If you find yourself beginning to think any of the below it may already be too late. "Big time! That's why I'm sleeping with your best friend."  "Does this tie make me look stupid?""No way! You look *least* fat in that outfit!" "Yes, but it also makes you look like a pricey hooker, so things balance out.""No, but taking it *off* sure does.""Okay, listen: What's important is that you not focus in a negative way on the comparison I am about to

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More Random Funny

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and woman say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? They say that when a man holds a woman’s hand before marri

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Understanding English

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Pettry amzanig huh?  

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Yeck!

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up. After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times. At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teet

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Turning The Tables

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and admi

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She Said / He Said

She Said:I just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, and let me tell you, it truly was the most magical, amazing experience of my entire life. The French countryside was like something out of a storybook, the Roman ruins were magnificent, and the men, well, European men are by far the most romantic in the world. You American men all think you're so suave and sophisticated. Well, think again! European men make you look like the immature, inexperienced little children you are. They really k

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What Flavor?

I was reading this thread in the forums about whether westerners like light or dark skinned girls.  My opinion is that it doesn't make a difference what color they are since everyone is a unique individual.  White, black, yellow, green, purple . .  . wait, no purple women.  I hate purple women.  Can't trust them.  

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Funny Quotes 2

Some more I dug up The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. --Jack Handy I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, ``Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me? or ``Do you have that $50 you borrowed? Man, quit being so cheap! --Jack Handy If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward. --Jack

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Funny Quotes

I read kennyke's journal entry of funny quotes and got inspired to put up some of my favs. When I was young I used to pray for a bike. Then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness. If there is one thing I know about women, it's that you should never laugh until you absolutely -- I repeat, absolutely -- know that they're joking. Sometimes the voices in my head tell me to do bad things. Other times they just say, "Man, these fries would be

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