Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with
only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died,
and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked,
"Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for
the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot
have services for an animal in the church. But there are some
Now that I have your attention...Again!!!
There once was a religious young woman who went to
Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said,
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made
mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said,
"Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me o
NOW THAT I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION,,,,,,,,,
A married Irishman went into the confessional and
said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and
rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically no
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third really beautiful woman came up to him and said "Have you ever been screwed?"
The fellow said "N
Last night, my friend and I were sitting
in my living room and I said to her,
"I never want to live in a vegetative state,
dependent on some machine and fluids
from a bottle, and if that ever happens,
just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV,
and threw out my wine.
She's such a *****. ....
A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear
A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear
FRIENDS: Tell you not to do something stupid when drunk
TF FRIENDS: Will shine a spotlight on you while your drunk naked ass is taking a piss in the bushes.
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FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs
TF FRIENDS: Call your parents drunk as hell and tell them about the fat chick you tried to pick up
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FRIENDS: Hope the night out drinking goes smoothly, and hope that no o
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to l
Little jOHNNY was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything... Tutors,
Mentors, flash cards, Special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Johnny down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Johnny came home with a very serious look on his face. He
didn't even kiss his mother Hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers
It's late where I am. I have read journal after journal concerning our TF friend Randy. I guess one more won't hurt. I am pouring a drink to his memory as I write this. RIP buddy, it's always better on the other side.
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 0 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
I am just too tired of watching television and going to sleep alone night after night after night...I guess I got way too much bad Karma in some former life and it's biting me in the ass in this one.I just don't wanna do this anymore............ seems like it's time to say adios amigos......Peace
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor....
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there we
I hate it when people forward bogus warnings; I have even done it a couple of times, but this one is important so please pay attention!!!If someone comes to your front door and says they are checking for ticks due to the warming weather and ask you to take your clothes off and dance arount with your arms up: DON'T DO IT, IT IS A SCAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY ONLY WANT TO SEE YOU NAKED!!!!!!!I wish I'd gotten this yesterday; I feel so stupid!!!!!!
Fresh from a shower, the man's wifs stands in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion."If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."Willing to try anything, she fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will thi
1. A day without sunshine is like night. 2. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap. 9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.10. A cl
Toward the end of the church service, the Minister asked, "How many > > of you have forgiven your enemies?"> > 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. > > All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
> > "Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
> > "I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.
> > "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
> > "Ninety-eight." she replied.
>
Men Are Just Happier People--
1. What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You do
