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Birthday boy

A boy who was just coming up to his 8th birthday told his father he wanted a cowboy outfit for a birthday present.  So the father bought him a block of shares in BP

PeterH61

PeterH61

 

It's arrived!

I have just one thing to say today - SUK SAN WAN SONGKRAN to all TFers, but especially to my TF friends

PeterH61

PeterH61

 

Ten reasons

Ten reasons why we know Santa is a man   1.                  No dress sense 2.                  Never replies to your letters 3.                  The chances of getting what you ask for are nil 4.                  Beer belly 5.                  Only commits to one day a year 6.                  Obsessed with stockings 7.                  He never stops to ask for directions 8.                  Too lazy to shave 9.                  Always wears the same clothes 10

PeterH61

PeterH61

 

Blonde jokes

1. A blonde and a brunette were in an elevator with a man. They both noticed he had some dandruff on his shirt, but were too nice to say anything to him about it.  When he finally got out two floors later, the brunette said, "Wow, somebody should give that man some Head n Shoulders" and the blonde replied, "How do you give him shoulders?"   2. A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to

PeterH61

PeterH61

 

London snow

When men were all asleep the snow came flying, In large white flakes falling on the city brown, Stealthily and perpetually settling and loosely lying,     Hushing the latest traffic of the drowsy town; Deadening, muffling, stifling its murmurs failing; Lazily and incessantly floating down and down:     Silently sifting and veiling road, roof and railing; Hiding difference, making unevenness

PeterH61

PeterH61

 

Charity vote whoring

It's that time of the year again, when TFers go around grovelling for votes.  Each vote between 6 and 12 December inclusive for those signed up for the event will earn 1 baht (or more, depending on the individual's commitment) for charity.So PLEASE PLEASE keep the votes coming in folks, the more we vote, the more we can raise for the orphans.  It's a gr8 way of making merit just by clicking vote buttons. Thanks

PeterH61

PeterH61

 

Drunken night out

A guy went out on a pub crawl one Friday night.  After drinking all he could manage he went to Trafalgar Square and climbed on the back of one of the four bronze lions guarding the base of Nelson's Column, where he sat shouting "Giddy up"Two policemen turned up and tried to persuade him down, but it took some doing and after he had knocked off both their helmets and pushed them around a bit, out came the handcuffs.  As he was led away he screamed at the top of his voice "The whole country's bein

PeterH61

PeterH61

 

A Mime in the Zoo

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo-keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts. So the next mornin

PeterH61

PeterH61

 

Abbott & Costello's computer store

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this.   For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...    If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this: COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT A:         Super Duper computer store.  Can I help you? C:         Thanks.  I'm setting up an o

PeterH61

PeterH61

 

Vatican humour

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't exactly travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.   “Excuse me, Your Holiness,” says the driver, “would you please take your seat so we can leave?”   “Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.”   ”I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I can’t let you do that. I'd lose my j

PeterH61

PeterH61

 

The wedding test

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me - her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.  She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.  It had to be deliberate, because she never did it near anyone else. One day her 'litt

PeterH61

PeterH61

 

A Tale of Two Andrews

33 days to go until the opening test of the Ashes series, and news from both camps.For England, Andrew "Freddie" Flintoff is well on the way to recovery from surgery on his knee and expects to be fully fit for the Ashes.  Great news for the Three Lions. On the other side, Andrew Symonds has been sent home for what are simply described as "alcohol related incidents".  Not such good news for the Aussies.So Flintoff is on the mend and Symonds is on the way home (after being on the p*ss)!!!Cue a b

PeterH61

PeterH61

 

Medical emergences

The following are all supposed to be comments made in interviews by members of the medical professions.  Just how reliable the sources are is open to discussion, but hey - enjoy! 1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, Lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one. 2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a ste

PeterH61

PeterH61

 

Complaints

These are genuine extracts from letters complaining to local councils in Britain:   1.      My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.   2.      He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore. 3.      It's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow. 4.      I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. 5.      I wish to complain that my fathe

PeterH61

PeterH61

 

Carrots, Eggs, & Coffee

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up, She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose. Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed gro

PeterH61

PeterH61

 

Happy birthday Bill

Today, 23 April is the birthday of one of the greatest dramatists and poets in history, if not THE greatest.Born in Stratford-upon-Avon, Warwickshire, England 23 April 1564, William Shakespeare grew up to the age of about 20 in that small market town.  At 18 he married Anne Hathaway, 9 years his elder - he married young even by the standards of his day (of Capulet's daughter Juliet, 2 weeks short of her 14th birthday, he wrote "Good mothers are younger than she made").  The likely reason for mar

PeterH61

PeterH61

 

Letter to God

A man worked for the US Mail whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.  One day, a letter came addressed in shaky handwriting to God with no address or zipcode. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:   Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $150 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is  my birthday, and I had invited two

PeterH61

PeterH61

 

Centenary of a tragic giant

On 31 March 1909, the first keel plates were laid in yard 401 at Harland & Wolff’s Belfast, Northern Ireland shipyard.  The construction of the second of three huge 45,000 ton plus “Olympic” class liners for the White Star Line had commenced.   The new liner was launched on 31 May 1911 and completed on 31 March 1912, exactly 3 years after her keel plates were laid.  After a brief series of tests, she was handed over to White Star on 2 April 1912 and spent her first night at sea on th

PeterH61

PeterH61

 

Police emergency call

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND CAN'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE A 68 year old from Mississippi was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light  on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. He opened the back door to go and turn off the light but saw that there were burglars in the shed, so he phoned the police.  They asked "Is anyone in your house?" and he said "no".  Then they told him all their patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his

PeterH61

PeterH61

 

What the F******************K????

How many others did it happen to???There I was, enjoying my TF membership, sending and receiving testis, PMs votes, even the occasional VK, then WHAM!!!  my profile suddenly disappearsTurns out there was an unexpected bug in the system and several profiles got deleted by accident, including yours truly.  Suddenly I had to re-register, rebuild my profile and start again from scratch, so now I'm even further behind Papa - have to go out vote-whoring again to rebuild the totalStill, when I got a PM

PeterH61

PeterH61

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