this is a moment of truth, but anyhow my subconscious always keep telling me since late 2009 that this going to be end sooner or later which I already have plan B as to live single life. We never have a proper communication or perhaps a long distant turn us to be perfect strangers after 4-5 months passed. To compare relationship in the past on & off and relationship at present which once a year meet I couldnâ€™t help to asked myself that, what is the different between these two?
I am bad at relationship and I never have real or solid relationship in my life but at least Iâ€™ve tried. Iâ€™m not regret of loving him and think he mustâ€™ve been loved me or at least he used to. I admitted this is my own choice and my own failure, that I want to be with someone for the rest of my life but at the same time I always realized that single life is suited me best.
I lied my parent that Iâ€™m not going abroad or any where out side Thailand but at the same time Iâ€™ve planed. Since I handed my application early Jan 2010 and I called them again when six weeks due and I told them that this is not make sense to let me wait for six week but never contact. A person who hold my application asked me if anyone contact me since then and I said, no, there is no one contact me and when I called they said wait to contact.
On Monday after I called the embassy they email me & cc him ask for more document support and Iâ€™ve email him if he could get some document for me and they asked to submit document by this coming Monday, but he kept silent since last Monday and up until now there is no news and I keep emailing him since Monday and today I heard nothing. I know I probably freak him out when he call on Valentines Day I told him if I didnâ€™t get my visa then he should come and make other plan as some of my friends and cousin do then I think we should do it, and now Iâ€™m freaking. I try to make it simple for both of us because he wants me to go to his country and Iâ€™ve tried many ways but nothing I could do. I have never plan to go to other country and if I want to see I can buy documentary CDs. But the reason I want to go is because of he is there.
Iâ€™m hurting & disappointed but at least I know what I should focus to from now on. I must say I donâ€™t know what to do and I feel like I have tried hard in everyway I can, but the result is turn out of event. I donâ€™t angry or hate him and I will never ever because it is not his fault and itâ€™s not mine as well. I understand that we never mean to be. I canâ€™t reach him in a way Iâ€™ve tried and itâ€™s beyond my power. He is my fantasy & from now on he is my legend.
I give up this isnâ€™t for me I can't deal with it anymore and Iâ€™m so tiredâ€¦ I know Iâ€™m not okâ€¦.but I will be â€¦.. â€¦