4 Kinds of Sex There are four kinds of sex :  HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.  BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.  HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "**** YOU"  COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer **** you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.     Hand Job  A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way. "Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?" "Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!" He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?" "I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?" "Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that." So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain. "What's wrong?!" she cries out. "Take your thumb off the end!!"  ****, ****, **** & ****! One day a little girl's parents were fighting in the kitchen and the father calls the mother a ***** and the mother calls the father a hoe. The little girl asked what they meant. The parents replied that it meant a very nice person. The father exclaims that the mothers have small ****. The little girl asks what **** are. The mother said that they were shoes. The mother told the father that he had a small ****. Once again the girl asks what a **** is and the father had said that it was a coat. Later on the father was upstairs shaving And the little girl was watching and asked what he was putting on his face. He cuts himself and says "****!!". So she goes down into the kitchen where her mother was and she asked what she was doing to the turkey. She also cut herself with the carving knife and says "****!!". The doorbell rings and she answers it. She says to the visitors "come on in all you ******* and hoes, take off your dicks and your ****. My father is upstairs putting **** on his face and my mother is in the kitchen ******* the turkey".   A Wasp In *****A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital. After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp. The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try." Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?" "Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the little bastard!." Clap! Clap!The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them the Major called for this HOT number from the nearby town. She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes. For her second number she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G strings. This time the applause went for 10 minutes. The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale. For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage. The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?" She replied, "Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand?!!?"  Dog, Cat, & Penis!A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrant!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"  ForeplayA man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her *****. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book. The wife got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What the hell are doing, taking all your pajamas off?" The wife replied, "You were playing with my *****. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier".The husband said, "Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages.             

best few i've heard in a while...lol

dirty,,,dirty...lol

He he he

Good Good