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How to deal with Gym membership sales....


lizardo

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Dear Mitchell

This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym membership expired

last

week. Your membership is important to us and we would like to take this

opportunity to show our appreciation by offering you a 20% discount on your

membership renewal. We look forward to seeing you again soon.

All the best, Jeff Peters

Dear Jeff,

Thankyou for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce my

membership by twenty percent. I own a calculator but I could not work out

how to do percentages on it so have estimated that I save around $372.10

off

the normal price of $420.00 - Please confirm that this is correct and I

will

renew my membership immediately. Also, do I get a Fitness First sports bag

with towel and drinking bottle included in the price? I own my own

legwarmers and headband.

Regards, Mitchell.

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.01am

To: Mitchell

Subject: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello Mitchell

How did you come to that amount? Our half year membership fees are actually

$460 but with the 20% discount as an existing member your renewing

membership fee would be only $368 for the six months saving you almost $100

off the normal price. We are not Fitness First so do not have those bags.

Cheers, Jeff

From: Mitchell

Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.18am

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Do I get free shipping with that?

Regards, Mitchell.

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 12.48pm

To: Mitchell

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Free shipping with what? The $368 covers your membership fees for six

months.

From: Mitchell

Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 2.26pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

By the power of Greyskull that is a lot of money but I admit to being in

desperate need of increasing my body strength. My ten year old child often

turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly and I have to go several

days without washing. I feel bad constantly having to ask the lady from

next

door to come over and loosen them for me, what with her arthritis and

limited wheelchair access to my apartment. To be honest, I originally

joined

your gym with full intentions of attending every few days but after waiting

in vain for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect this was not

going to happen and the realisation that I may have to exercise instead

was,

quite frankly, horrifying. My aversion to work, along with the fact one of

your employees, Justin, was rather rude, telling me to 'lift this', ''push

that' dulled my initial enthusiasm of becoming muscular and I stopped

attending.

Regards, Mitchell.

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 9.17am

To: Mitchell

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello Mitchell

Not sure how to take your email, nobody here would offer you steroids, it

is

illegal and none of our staff would do this. Justin is one of our most

experienced trainers and if you found him rude while he was trying to be

helpful and just doing his job then there are plenty of other gyms you

could

look at joining instead.

Cheers, Jeff

From: Mitchell

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.02am

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Yes, I have noticed that there are many gyms in my area. I assume the low

qualification requirements of fitness trainers means that there is an over

supply of these buffed but essentially otherwise purposeless professionals.

I knew a guy in high school who couldn't talk very well and collected

sticks, he used to call the teacher 'mum' and during recess we would give

him money to dance. Then sell him sticks to get our money back. He went on

to become a fitness instructor so I view gyms as kind of like those

factories that provide a community service by employing people with down

syndrome to lick stamps and pack boxes. Except with more Spandex obviously.

Regards, Mitchell.

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.32am

To: Mitchell

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Go f *ck yourself.

From: Mitchell

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 11.38am

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

I was, at first, quite surprised at your response; one minute you are

inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, the next

insulting me. After doing a little research however, I have learnt that

mood

swings are an expected side effect of steroid abuse. As another side effect

is a reduction in the size of your p#$%, this gives you understandable

cause

to be an angry person. I have also learnt that Spandex contains

carcinogenic

properties so this does not bode well for yourself and your shiny friends.

If I woke up one morning and my p#$% was a quarter of the size I would

probably take my anger out on those around me as well. There are probably

support groups or websites that could help you manage your problem more

effectively and picture based books available on the subject for people

with

limited reading skills. When I am angry I like to Listen to music by Linkin

Park. The added angst and desire to cut myself works similarly to the way

firefighters fight forest fires by burning off sections, effectively

canceling each other out and I find myself at peace. I understand that you

guys usually listen to Pet Shop Boys or Frankie Goes to Hollywood so this

may be worth a try.

Regards, Mitchell.

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.04pm

To: Mitchell

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN

From: Mitchell

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.15pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Ok.

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.25pm

To: Mitchell

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal

Due

Is that you being a smartarse or agreeing not to email me again?

From: Mitchell

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.32pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership

Renewal Due

The middle one.

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Dear Mitchell

This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym membership expired

last

week. Your membership is important to us and we would like to take this

opportunity to show our appreciation by offering you a 20% discount on your

membership renewal. We look forward to seeing you again soon.

All the best, Jeff Peters

Dear Jeff,

Thankyou for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce my

membership by twenty percent. I own a calculator but I could not work out

how to do percentages on it so have estimated that I save around $372.10

off

the normal price of $420.00 - Please confirm that this is correct and I

will

renew my membership immediately. Also, do I get a Fitness First sports bag

with towel and drinking bottle included in the price? I own my own

legwarmers and headband.

Regards, Mitchell.

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.01am

To: Mitchell

Subject: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello Mitchell

How did you come to that amount? Our half year membership fees are actually

$460 but with the 20% discount as an existing member your renewing

membership fee would be only $368 for the six months saving you almost $100

off the normal price. We are not Fitness First so do not have those bags.

Cheers, Jeff

From: Mitchell

Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.18am

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Do I get free shipping with that?

Regards, Mitchell.

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 12.48pm

To: Mitchell

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Free shipping with what? The $368 covers your membership fees for six

months.

From: Mitchell

Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 2.26pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

By the power of Greyskull that is a lot of money but I admit to being in

desperate need of increasing my body strength. My ten year old child often

turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly and I have to go several

days without washing. I feel bad constantly having to ask the lady from

next

door to come over and loosen them for me, what with her arthritis and

limited wheelchair access to my apartment. To be honest, I originally

joined

your gym with full intentions of attending every few days but after waiting

in vain for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect this was not

going to happen and the realisation that I may have to exercise instead

was,

quite frankly, horrifying. My aversion to work, along with the fact one of

your employees, Justin, was rather rude, telling me to 'lift this', ''push

that' dulled my initial enthusiasm of becoming muscular and I stopped

attending.

Regards, Mitchell.

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 9.17am

To: Mitchell

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello Mitchell

Not sure how to take your email, nobody here would offer you steroids, it

is

illegal and none of our staff would do this. Justin is one of our most

experienced trainers and if you found him rude while he was trying to be

helpful and just doing his job then there are plenty of other gyms you

could

look at joining instead.

Cheers, Jeff

From: Mitchell

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.02am

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Yes, I have noticed that there are many gyms in my area. I assume the low

qualification requirements of fitness trainers means that there is an over

supply of these buffed but essentially otherwise purposeless professionals.

I knew a guy in high school who couldn't talk very well and collected

sticks, he used to call the teacher 'mum' and during recess we would give

him money to dance. Then sell him sticks to get our money back. He went on

to become a fitness instructor so I view gyms as kind of like those

factories that provide a community service by employing people with down

syndrome to lick stamps and pack boxes. Except with more Spandex obviously.

Regards, Mitchell.

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.32am

To: Mitchell

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Go f *ck yourself.

From: Mitchell

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 11.38am

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

I was, at first, quite surprised at your response; one minute you are

inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, the next

insulting me. After doing a little research however, I have learnt that

mood

swings are an expected side effect of steroid abuse. As another side effect

is a reduction in the size of your p#$%, this gives you understandable

cause

to be an angry person. I have also learnt that Spandex contains

carcinogenic

properties so this does not bode well for yourself and your shiny friends.

If I woke up one morning and my p#$% was a quarter of the size I would

probably take my anger out on those around me as well. There are probably

support groups or websites that could help you manage your problem more

effectively and picture based books available on the subject for people

with

limited reading skills. When I am angry I like to Listen to music by Linkin

Park. The added angst and desire to cut myself works similarly to the way

firefighters fight forest fires by burning off sections, effectively

canceling each other out and I find myself at peace. I understand that you

guys usually listen to Pet Shop Boys or Frankie Goes to Hollywood so this

may be worth a try.

Regards, Mitchell.

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.04pm

To: Mitchell

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN

From: Mitchell

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.15pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Ok.

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.25pm

To: Mitchell

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal

Due

Is that you being a smartarse or agreeing not to email me again?

From: Mitchell

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.32pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership

Renewal Due

The middle one.

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