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I’m in changing mode


soda

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My life is in changing mode, I no longer work since end of last month. Oct 01, 2010 I went to office to pick up my compensate payment and do little email checking and corresponding. At noon there was a called from a mgr who was at at site work that day telling me to think it over again toward my rush decision which could mean I would regret later on. I was made up my mind so I’m just listen even deep down inside I was fear of changing... On that day before I left the office I walked to GM room to say good bye.

GM: oh, you leaving now?

Me: Yes, and I wanted to say good bye to you.

GM; right, I see you going to settle down, and welcome to hell.

Me: perhaps hell is only for a guy not for girl.

GM: both guy &girl, you think you are in love and make love is fun but relationship is about committed and accepted. And probably you experiencing some plates or stuffs flying in the air in your room.

That day I was back home feeling fear & freak, I don’t know what to do I tried to call my bf twice but no answer and I was thinking maybe he change his mind. Then I called my cousin asking her if I have made a rush decision and asked, should I postpone till next year? She was just said “ I told you to do it quiet like Mrs. Grasshoper, our cousin”

 

That night I was lay in bed crying, fearing, freaking and thinking all night long and when I woke up in a next day. My bf called at 10 AM said he was hanging over last night and that’s why he can’t answer my call. I was telling him everything of how I feel and what happen, then he told me that “I’m not scare or freak or anything”. Up on hear that it help a lot I’m back to normal again, even though I know he has same feeling but what he said it made my day.

A couple days ago my brother called telling that he be kept lock in a nurse apartment for 2 days and she rape him by force. And he asked me not to tell anyone.

Me: I don’t tell anyone but I shall write a journal which no one know, so don’t worry.

Bro: I use to be a STUD HORSE but now look at me I am treated as if I’m a sex slave, I feel small & insignificant. I was bruised because she squashes me. I have to play dead or picking my nose while she enjoying me. How embarrassed!!!

Me: you have to pay for what you’ve done, remember your past your break their hearts.

Bro: how humiliated to be lured like this, I mean there were 3 girls did this to me. I don’t want sex now I’m under stressed my business is not good now.

I wanted to serve my brother right but I don’t want him feeling so I shut up. I have enough problems too, I think I got migraine due to noisy sound of construction nearby driving me crazy. From 8 to 11 at night the sound of crane, drilling, electrical saw are killing me.  I lose my concentrate on reading, watching movies and playing guitar.

 

I’m a little jumpy these days and yesterday I was received a pm from a friend. Once I read his pm I was in shocked and don’t know what to do, last night I was thinking sometime we have to learn by trading with a high price pay. Its apart of life it’s about live and learnt. Everybody hurts. I feel guilty that I post his pm even though I wanted to help its no good to do such a thing. I remember before that how much he adores his gf and not long this pm is come. So I decided to hide my previous journal because it’d do no one good…forgive me of my impulsive act!!!

 

One thing that seems to be new to me is I can access internet at my apartment since last night. but I can’t sit in front of pc most of day.

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My life is in changing mode, I no longer work since end of last month. Oct 01, 2010 I went to office to pick up my compensate payment and do little email checking and corresponding. At noon there was a called from a mgr who was at at site work that day telling me to think it over again toward my rush decision which could mean I would regret later on. I was made up my mind so I’m just listen even deep down inside I was fear of changing... On that day before I left the office I walked to GM room to say good bye.

GM: oh, you leaving now?

Me: Yes, and I wanted to say good bye to you.

GM; right, I see you going to settle down, and welcome to hell.

Me: perhaps hell is only for a guy not for girl.

GM: both guy &girl, you think you are in love and make love is fun but relationship is about committed and accepted. And probably you experiencing some plates or stuffs flying in the air in your room.

That day I was back home feeling fear & freak, I don’t know what to do I tried to call my bf twice but no answer and I was thinking maybe he change his mind. Then I called my cousin asking her if I have made a rush decision and asked, should I postpone till next year? She was just said “ I told you to do it quiet like Mrs. Grasshoper, our cousin”

 

That night I was lay in bed crying, fearing, freaking and thinking all night long and when I woke up in a next day. My bf called at 10 AM said he was hanging over last night and that’s why he can’t answer my call. I was telling him everything of how I feel and what happen, then he told me that “I’m not scare or freak or anything”. Up on hear that it help a lot I’m back to normal again, even though I know he has same feeling but what he said it made my day.

A couple days ago my brother called telling that he be kept lock in a nurse apartment for 2 days and she rape him by force. And he asked me not to tell anyone.

Me: I don’t tell anyone but I shall write a journal which no one know, so don’t worry.

Bro: I use to be a STUD HORSE but now look at me I am treated as if I’m a sex slave, I feel small & insignificant. I was bruised because she squashes me. I have to play dead or picking my nose while she enjoying me. How embarrassed!!!

Me: you have to pay for what you’ve done, remember your past your break their hearts.

Bro: how humiliated to be lured like this, I mean there were 3 girls did this to me. I don’t want sex now I’m under stressed my business is not good now.

I wanted to serve my brother right but I don’t want him feeling so I shut up. I have enough problems too, I think I got migraine due to noisy sound of construction nearby driving me crazy. From 8 to 11 at night the sound of crane, drilling, electrical saw are killing me.  I lose my concentrate on reading, watching movies and playing guitar.

 

I’m a little jumpy these days and yesterday I was received a pm from a friend. Once I read his pm I was in shocked and don’t know what to do, last night I was thinking sometime we have to learn by trading with a high price pay. Its apart of life it’s about live and learnt. Everybody hurts. I feel guilty that I post his pm even though I wanted to help its no good to do such a thing. I remember before that how much he adores his gf and not long this pm is come. So I decided to hide my previous journal because it’d do no one good…forgive me of my impulsive act!!!

 

One thing that seems to be new to me is I can access internet at my apartment since last night. but I can’t sit in front of pc most of day.

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Life is unpredictable.

Once when one hurts you just forgive and forget.

Again when you do a mistake, do regret and realize.

also ignore if you can't really fix it.

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hang in there darling

your life is going though some wonderful possibilities

you will choose some that work well; so will not

but since you are a good one and good overall sense

things will bet better...don't freak

now enjoy your music and keep us informed now and then :) :)

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It is very very normal to be scared with the decisions you have made. You have made life changing decisions. The thing to remember now to help you get through those days of fear, scared, and freak, is that now it is you 2, it is no longer just you having to deal with these normal fears Soda.

For the rest of your life it will now be you 2. Your feelings, and his. You have made the commitment to no longer be alone for the rest of your life, and that by itself can be scary, but that should also be filling your heart with joy Soda. You have someone that WANTS to be with you for the rest of your life, and his.

There will be good times, and there will be bad times, that is the same with life anyway, but now you both have made the commitment to share it all with each other. Now you will be able to fear life, be scared of life, and enjoy life, with someone holding your hand, walking beside you Soda, sharing those same experiences for ever. Those are scary words right now, "for ever", but no longer will you be alone for ever. That should also be filling your heart with happiness, and joy:)

Another great journal Soda. Thank you for again sharing a day in the life of Soda with us. I always look forward to your writings.

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You are just scare of being free ,having risk is a great feeling when you over come ...you will be just fine with this settlement :). I quit my job 2 months ago and did not even know when I will have work again but I like the feeling of what tomorrow has for offer ! Now ,enjoying my work here and there , going back to my safe zone in the dream land in a month . My fortune is actually is on my hand and I love this feeling :)

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"I use to be a STUD HORSE but now look at me I am treated as if I’m a sex slave. there were 3 girls did this to me." Sounds like such a hard life. What a shame. I guess someone has to do this.

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Well Soda change is always frightening------however, changes give you the opportunity to evaluate your life and what you really want.

I wish you the best in your new adventure-----follow you dreams.

Good Luck to you.

jack

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Do not think anything anymore if you already made decision. Do not wasted the time to hesitate. No one knows the future dear. the important things is ; Are you happy now? if you get the answer of this question. You won't feel fear ja , Congrats Best of luck na ka :)

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You are brave enough:-)....I always like your journal..:-) Do I will still read it after your big change? I'm sure you will be happy:-) Cheer!

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