In late 2009 I was with friends at Climax, in follow next day I was sick for a couple days because music too loud I don’t know how that affected me but ears problem is a part of it. Since then I don't go night out except for hang out places. I quit my job by end of September last year, since then I’ve been drinking Pepsi 2 to 4 bottles a day (about 500cc per bottle) and I become Pepsi addicted which later on causing my heart burnt & short breathing as well as nightmare follow. On Christmas Eve Mr. Grizzly asked I to mind his place while he’s away with his gf by saying that he have to do a good bf’s duty. When I asked what is a good bf’s duty? His answer was “shagging” (what a hard duty!!!)  I stayed at his place on Dec 25-26, 2010 and it was first time in last 3 moths that I have no Pepsi which drove me crazy because thirty Mr. Grizzly’s frize has only coke cans which weren’t help much but better than nothing. On Dec 27, 2010 I was tired and feel sick all day and on 28.12.10 I was back to my room and feel like I want Pepsi so bad. So, I was cranky all day and in the afternoon my brother called telling that he got his gf pregnant by accident after agreed to separate during New Year but once his gf pregnant he decided to be together again.

A couple years ago I was afraid that if I turn 40 and would want a baby like my friend, Kat who begged me to find her a guy for making baby. Kat was 41 and I was 38 by that time. When I told her that she is 40 already she yelled at me saying that doctor said she’s healthy for having a baby. I didn’t mean to hurt my friend but I just try to say that even if I found her a guy he wouldn't want a kid immediately but she didn’t listen because her time is too short. Then a few months passed by she called and tell me that she lives with a young 20 years old boy which I was happy for her and since then I talk to her once in a while and in early Dec 2010 I called see if she conceives a child yet but she said she still hoping and waiting me to find her a stud man. I was at a loss since she has been living with her bf for couple years and when asked how about her bf, can’t he get her pregnant? She told me that her bf is not a boy but she is a tom girl. God!!!

Once I first reach 40 the feeling of wanting a child is gone with the wind. I feel old and can’t handle kid anymore, especially when one of my cousins’s kid, a 2 years old boy splashing Pepsi into my spread sheet and used blue pen drawn on my spread sheet, as well as ruin my stuffs. Also a work friend from my last job who has 2 kids a boy 2 years and a girl 3, on weekend she brought her kids to office and the office become a playground they used magic pen, pen, pencil drawn office walls and on floor as well as litter the paper works everywhere. On working day maid told her about her kids messed up and asked if she could keep her kids away from office supplies. What she told a maid was “shut up!!! It’s your duty to clean up”. And that’s why I don’t want to have a child because I afraid I love him too much and forget to be discipline. But once hearing my brother said he having a child I was envied him thinking he was younger than me and now he’s going to be dad which make me feel much old. And with my crankiness I spoke not so nice to my brother but later on I get over from Pepsi addicted I’m guilty of such behave. He never success in anything in his life and having a child is his first accomplishes.

31.12.10 at New Year Eve I have dinner with relatives and my bro & sis. My sis with her husband and her son and his wife. I asked my nephew if he is 20 years. He said no, he is 23 now I was shocked and felt so old again. That evening I begged him not to have kid before me and a male cousin who’s in 35 but looks older than his age about 5 years he made feel older than usual every moment I look at him….after dinner was over I back my room its almost mid night. When the fire crackers starting blown up I look at how they shining in the sky are so beautiful, I feeling happy and sad at the same time. Sad because I feel old as well as ppl around me are also old. I was happy because this is New Year it’s the time of ppl have new positive hope & expect miracle thing to happen, new dreams to pursuit/grip.

All in all from 2009 and up until now I am quite satisfied. I met my husband on April 2009 and our long distant relationship was rough & rocky at the first start but in the end it turns out miracle. I always amazed of how we met since there are so many hot and beautiful girls on TF and he was a member since September 2004. I couldn’t stop thinking what make him want to meet me. I don’t expect much in life as far as I know, I want to grow old with someone special and if I have a chance to marry like others, one thing that I’d love to do is throwing a bouquet which I’ve accomplished so the dream is completed. Thailand is sweet home to me, I love Thailand very much but I will be where ever my husband be.

Anyway, there are some good and bad news over friends and relatives lives, some happy with their life but some are in struggling moment. Most of them are in their mid thirties, some planned to marry sometime this year and most of them are looking for serious/solid relationship which could lead to something interesting. One of my cousin who moved to Phuket 2 years ago now she wanna be back and live with me again because her bf whom she hope/wish to spend the rest of her life with is having affairs with another two women and he used and abuse her mentally. She loses her money over 100 k as well as her stuffs. I’m sad about her but to let her live with me its reluctant. she threaten his another wife by calling 30-40 times a day to get her revenge but turn out they threaten to take her life in return. I still remembered what she said that the reason she chosen this man because he is the most ugliest man that any girls wouldn’t consider to date/want him and she wanted to have her own family because it’s the right age to settle down. Now she learnt something…

I always tell my friends and relatives over relationship that “if you don’t want to be alone by 50-60, and if you are in mid twenties up to mid thirties it is a good age to look for serious/solid relationship because you are not too young and not too old. It’s considering as in market demand it’s a green light period. When you are over mid thirties green light would gone but yellow light will take place and keep winking at you to warn you that no longer it going to be red light. And I don’t have to explain about red light……

A couple years ago I used to be afraid of being alone when I reach 50-60 but I can’t imagine myself being alone at all. At this age my body is still same I like to take care of my health and stand naked in front mirror every morning see if any alteration and if I could fix but my mental is tell me that I’m a fully grown up. Some women who’s in same age are having grown up children and some being grandmother. My sister who older than me 2 years has daughter in law 5 months ago. Sometime I feel like I was born too long hehe….

A friend told me about her friend who’s in her late forties was now back to her home in Isaan due to no work and no skill. In the past 20 years duration she used to work in one place for a couple months then changed to another and then left again and again and it become her habit because she didn’t focus on career path at all but she enjoy go out at night and at the same time she has bf who take care of her so she’d never worry even if she doesn’t work, but now she is nearly fifty, her body and her look changed. She used to have a large sum of money given by her bf but she spent as if there is no tomorrow. Some people learnt in their old age but better late than never. If we can learn as early age as we could it would be huge benefit…..

I like to jot down my period every month for over 2 years by now, see if it any skip or late because this is an indicator of my health. I don’t like deep fry or oily food because my body doesn’t accepted it and if I have two oil, or deep fry meals in a row I will be sick for a couple days. I used to take sleeping pills, migraine pills etc… etc.. a lot but in the past three months I take nothing. Since I am a jobless I don’t have to worry about my work and co work anymore and it’s a time to live purified life. I do aerobic dance or soft exercise at home to resilient/adjust my body every evening…. I rarely have sweet or desert but fruit instead. I feel old but I try to live as long as possible..hehe… I try to understand people around me as much as I try to understand myself.

Skimmed through it, but I learned that you don't want a baby because you feel you are too old.

Completely understandable as you might have passed the expiration date, but for some reason I want to see your baby as much as I want to see Vince and Anna's baby. You two would make great parents...I'll leave it at that and always trust your big decisions.

Fantastic journal as always, Soda. There are so many topics you touch on that are worthy of commenting but I'll just pick one for now (might come back for more later, LOL).

Your friend who had to go back to Isaan . . . yes, I know many girls like that in Thailand. When they're young they think they're going to be young forever (I think we all think this when we're young). They spend money as fast as they get it never putting away a single baht for their future. I know one girl who was getting 100,000 baht a month sent to her from her farang boyfriend. They were together almost 2 years before his wife wiped him out financially in a divorce and he couldn't send any more money (at least that was the excuse he gave her). Did she have a home? No. A car? No. Gold? No. She had nothing and was working a job making 7000 baht a month. I asked her how she could possibly spend 100,000 baht per month and she said she didn't know. She said she took all of her friends out every night, went shopping, etc, etc. It's a shame.

now control the Pepsi ...and find some activities that need your help

--you can help (and already do help)

--- and smile as you adjust your success

....BTW you will love disciplining your child

to growth the general directions that you know are correct for their lives

4 bottles of Pepsi a day? How many spoonfuls of sugar is that?

soda you will get to fifty, and have no teeth. LOL

Good Buddy

Sounds like you are taking good care of yourself and will live a long time with a very fruitful life. My wife and I had babies after she was 40 and they turned out really well. Believe me 50 year old people are not old and have many years left to enjoy the pursuits of life. I was 50 many years ago and these have been some of the best years of my life.

There is life after 50!!!!!!

jack

You are making me anxious !!

Khun Soda, you are still young at heart & beautiful =D

my mother re-married after my step-father died and she had 2 kids in her late 30's, early 40's. she is 80 this year.

You know your heart very well now Soda. Follow your heart, it will tell you what makes a family a happy family. The decision to have kids is your decision because it is your body, but it is also a shared decision between to caring people. If you make that choice, it was not because of an accident like your brother just made. It will be because you want to extend your family for more generations, rather than end this branch of both of your family trees. Again, it is both of you, but it is your body.

Some people think that they don't want to bring kids into such a messed up world, but it is those same kids that change will come from.

Don't think for a minute that your style of raising kids, together with your husband, will be like everyone else you see. You two are not them, and would raise your kids (if you decide to bring kids into your lives), as you see fit to properly raise them from your experiences, both of your experiences.

You think you are in love now, but it is only preparing you for the love you will experience if you decide to have kids. People have been known to give up their own lives from the strength of this kind of love. Until you personally have kids, there is nothing that is truly a part of you Soda. You are a part of your parents, but right now there is nothing that is a part of you. You have to ask yourself if you are willing to give up a piece of you to give life. The only age limit is when you no longer can physically have kids.

On a basic level, the strongest instinct of any life form is to reproduce, perpetuation of the species. Man/woman is the only life form that has managed to control when, and if, they have kids. You are lucky that you have a choice. If you let your heart decide which choice to make, you can never go wrong Soda. Look where your heart has taken you so far.

It is always such a pleasure to read your journals Soda. Thank you.

Well Soda, getting older is the only way to live longtime...

And life is so nice that we should live it so long as possible. There is a circle: good health helps happy (couple) life and happy (couple) life helps good health...

The body, as well as the mind, send us warnings: if we do not respect their needs, from bad food to noisy environements, they become sick. If other people do not respect them, we do not have to follow these people, even if they are a large part of the "friends".. Searching good friends is also a part of hapy life and of the deal with our mind and body...

To give us a sample of what possible is: i did loose father last year when he was 86. He was never sick before (except "normal colds").

Few months before, he was very happy, still in love with his wife, still studying philosophy in original old greek and chinese texts. He likes music and the culture was a high part of his life. He really looks younger than 86, and when you phone him, he just reacts as fast as young people. In 2003, he did publish doctor thesis from university of "louvain la neuve in belgium", after finishing master. here is the link, but in french (http://dial.academielouvain.be:8080/vital/access/manager/Repository/boreal:5404?site_name=GlobalView)

The sad part is that his doctor did not check up enough the heart, and too late discovered infarctus ends his life after missed surgery. If he did listen better his body signals, i think he can get 5 to 10 years more good life. Well, anyway nothing can be changed now.

Everyday eating, drinking, sleeping, breathing,"sport" behaviours, .... do prepare tomorrow life happy or sad moments. And healthy living also brings happy moments: good food including drinks can be delicious...

We have only one body: we have to listen him carefully. If we do, he can return us good shape to take the best of every age moments.

Now i am 59 and do have a happy couple life (from 10/2009), same as i was 30... I hope to continue long long time, hehe...

About baby: the main is to found Mr or Miss right, and to get, behind everyday deep love, a good dialog about all matters including philosophy of life... If you reach that dialog quality, than you can imagine giving well balanced education, and the child will bring you more happiness than problems...

Education is learning saying yes or no to the child, within one voice, explaining him why this yes or no, and to care he respects these "orders" bringing him gradually to self supporting... The main problems in education comes from separate way to say yes or no from both parents! The second problem is to get real common life philosophy and to share it with our childrens.

Nice to read your journals, always full of real human feelings ! Thanks!