I'll be ranting and complaining in this post. Pardon my negativity but I don't think there'd be a better way to express myself than in writing/typing.
It's been extremely hectic month or two starting a new job and preparing for the wedding. It seems impossible juggling between the two. I haven't been in that best of mood to work, worrying about getting things done for the wedding. I have lists of things I have to get done, and I haven't gotten the time to have them done. I feel like I have no one to turn to, no one to help. My groom-to-be is living in another country and he's too busy to do things I wish him to do.
My mom and my family wants things to be super traditional and I don't have enough time to dig into more details of how to get things done the way they want things to be. Partly I don't give a damn of all the minute details of auspicious time, auspicious desserts and all other shits. I don't wanna be explaining why I don't wanna do certain things because I don't think it's necessary. I don't wanna justify why I do what I do, and why I don't do what I don't want to do.
At this very moment, I'm frigging pissed off at everything and I want to cancel it all. I wanna just pack my bag and leave. I question myself many times why I do all that I am doing now. Do I really want this to happen or I just wanna please people around me to see what they want to see. Is it what I want, or what other people want?
This reminds me of a conversation I had with someone in the US many years ago. I told him I wished I could stay longer in the US, having a few more months of fun, but I couldn't. I had to come back and be part of the graduation day, which my family expected me to do. Standing up there for a photo to be taken, and have that big ass photo on the wall of my living room. The American guy said, "are you sure you are living your own life? Or are you living your life according to your family's expectation?" I have been staying in the line that my family wants me to follow, being a good girl, study hard, get a good job, earn a lot of money, and now getting married in a traiditional way and having a big wedding reception.
If I could turn back the time, I'd insist on a small family meal and a trip to either the Maldives to Japan. My life would be much easier.