Jump to content

Blog Hazel

Sign in to follow this  
  • entries
    9
  • comments
    0
  • views
    949

:( Not Again!!!

Sign in to follow this  
Hazel

544 views

First of all, I must apologize to Admins and TFers that nowadays I seldom pop into TF (not that I will be missed much anyway, I'm sure haha) and when I do, it is always to make some petty grouses.

Ok, *not again!!!* that another guy this year who has told me that he likes me (and whom I also like a little and thinks he's cute) and wants to be my BF is again insisting that he has a Facebook account but is no longer using it and will not like to use it again. U see, he's an international student and who knows, without FBK, he may have a wife or girlfriend lurking somewhere. Sometimes I just wonder what bad karma I have, and if ever I will ever have a guy who's sincerely interested in a relationship with me.... :(

I think I have already tried my best to be a "good person" since many, many years ago but things just don't seem to be working out. I know I have been a bit of a flirt during my adolescence, sometimes having more than one BF at a time and having hurt some of my ex-BFs in the past . I don't want to make excuses for myself or try to justify my past misdeeds. Although I will say that this associated with some bad past I had in some earlier part of my life, and my resulting insecurity and inability to trust my partner, I know I as a human being with relative freewill, is still responsible for my own actions utlimately (sorry if this sounds like some sort of weird confession)...

I mean, I have not explicitly been looking for a BF cos there's a part of me that's worried of hurting myself again through falling in love with the "wrong" type of guy, but when I do get to know guys who eventually said that they want to be with me, things often don't turn out the way I hope it to be. I mean, all I want, if I really were to be in a relationship again, is just a faithful, sincere, kind-hearted and responsible man. I don't need someone with lots of money because I believe that so long as both parties are responsible beings, they can always work hard together to build a better future together, which means working hard together to earn and save money for a future together. However, it seems no matter what I do, I will never be able to have happiness and sincerity from someone I love and who love me too. There have been some nice guys whom I feel have been sincere in wanting to be with me, but these guys are either not someone I have feelings for, or else at that time, I was still on the road to emotional repair and was just not ready to commit (and some of them are married now a couple of years or so later). It is so important to me that I do not hurt myself and my family again, cos I really, honestly have worked very, very hard to climb back on my feet and get to where I am currently although it is not much being who I am today anyway. Actually, I don't know if my blog is really asking a question. Probably, it just gives me an opportunity to express my feelings I have pented up for so long, and for that, I thank TF.

Sign in to follow this  


0 Comments


Recommended Comments

First of all, I must apologize to Admins and TFers that nowadays I seldom pop into TF (not that I will be missed much anyway, I'm sure haha) and when I do, it is always to make some petty grouses.

Ok, *not again!!!* that another guy this year who has told me that he likes me (and whom I also like a little and thinks he's cute) and wants to be my BF is again insisting that he has a Facebook account but is no longer using it and will not like to use it again. U see, he's an international student and who knows, without FBK, he may have a wife or girlfriend lurking somewhere. Sometimes I just wonder what bad karma I have, and if ever I will ever have a guy who's sincerely interested in a relationship with me.... :(

I think I have already tried my best to be a "good person" since many, many years ago but things just don't seem to be working out. I know I have been a bit of a flirt during my adolescence, sometimes having more than one BF at a time and having hurt some of my ex-BFs in the past . I don't want to make excuses for myself or try to justify my past misdeeds. Although I will say that this associated with some bad past I had in some earlier part of my life, and my resulting insecurity and inability to trust my partner, I know I as a human being with relative freewill, is still responsible for my own actions utlimately (sorry if this sounds like some sort of weird confession)...

I mean, I have not explicitly been looking for a BF cos there's a part of me that's worried of hurting myself again through falling in love with the "wrong" type of guy, but when I do get to know guys who eventually said that they want to be with me, things often don't turn out the way I hope it to be. I mean, all I want, if I really were to be in a relationship again, is just a faithful, sincere, kind-hearted and responsible man. I don't need someone with lots of money because I believe that so long as both parties are responsible beings, they can always work hard together to build a better future together, which means working hard together to earn and save money for a future together. However, it seems no matter what I do, I will never be able to have happiness and sincerity from someone I love and who love me too. There have been some nice guys whom I feel have been sincere in wanting to be with me, but these guys are either not someone I have feelings for, or else at that time, I was still on the road to emotional repair and was just not ready to commit (and some of them are married now a couple of years or so later). It is so important to me that I do not hurt myself and my family again, cos I really, honestly have worked very, very hard to climb back on my feet and get to where I am currently although it is not much being who I am today anyway. Actually, I don't know if my blog is really asking a question. Probably, it just gives me an opportunity to express my feelings I have pented up for so long, and for that, I thank TF.

Share this comment


Link to comment

And that's what blogs are for!

The best part is looking back at these times for reflection. Maybe you were on the right path, maybe not. Regardless, it gives you a good perspective.

Share this comment


Link to comment

I think relationship has karma too. We all do stupid stuff when we're younger and I think our first few relationships when we're finally ready to get serious end up turning out bad to make up for all the bad stuff we did before :-)

Share this comment


Link to comment
And that's what blogs are for!

The best part is looking back at these times for reflection. Maybe you were on the right path' date=' maybe not. Regardless, it gives you a good perspective.[/quote']

:) Thanks... N this is the only reason that's stopping me from "liking" TF on FBK, although I do like TF. Cos so that TF will always be there in a relatively anonymous way as my secret hideaway to vent any emotions or thoughts I am otherwise too embarrassed to confide in my other friends n family in case they start judging me...

^^ Sorry, what do you mean by "maybe you were on the right path, maybe not"? I mean I know the words, but I'm not quite sure the meanings... Do you mean something like maybe I am reading this guy (let's call him X) wrongly? Actually I do have reservations about my own interpretations, so recently I went to ask a guyfriend here, A, who does not know him, to ask for his male perspective. Then he told me that although he could not rule out the chance that X likes me cos he feels that I am a nice gal, he more than not feel that 1) X is just lonely, being away from home and being here for less than 3 mths (this, I agree with very much, even before I asked A), 2) that X does not really like me that much; he just wants company and someone to listen about him and know about him (I feel this 50%/50% before I asked A), 3) that X and I are just too different to be able to make it work in the long-run (this, I 100% agree), and 4) that X seems to be wanting to be with me more for XXX than anything else (I 50%/50% agree before asking A but it is still painful to know my 6th sense is somehow agreed to by another person, and a man too at that).

I guess (4) is the one I am most disappointed about, cos I really just don't want any of my future partners to treat me just like a XXX object again (anyway I did not do anything that's remotely XXX with X). I mean, some of my last few BFs are able to like me for beyond that. However, some of my first few BFs, especially the first and second ones, have been like that (they just used me, my feeling but totally did not care for me as a person) and I was very traumatised by it many years later, so I really don't want it to repeat itself again. Esp cos X comes across as a really nice, decent guy at first so I am quite sad that many things in life are just not what it appears to be. I'm still not 100% sure that X really has no real feelings for me, but I guess I am not going to want to take things further with him anymore. N why oh why do some guys just like to cheat vulnerable people's feelings when they already have so many things in life n they have been largely successsful in life?

Share this comment


Link to comment

agree -- 50-50 -- agree---50-50 ....move along Hazel, you have many fantasitic men coming along; and your whole life is front of you. just keep your heart and eyes open. there is little 100% in this world.... but much more good than bad. hang in there!

Share this comment


Link to comment
I think relationship has karma too. We all do stupid stuff when we're younger and I think our first few relationships when we're finally ready to get serious end up turning out bad to make up for all the bad stuff we did before :-)

:) Bill, thanks for telling about this philosophy. I have to say I do agree with it. Even if it is just our imagination and is not alway true, it still makes me feel better. Anyway, I think he has given up after I rejected to be his GF twice, and is now focused on chasing other skirts haha. Better for me this way I guess cos each time we met, I always feel so happy. But each time when we parted way for home, I am so depressed and my mind wanders wild about how much the things he said to me were just to play with my feelings. A advised me it is better for me not to meet up with him anymore and also that to just let him be if he does not want to contact me anymore. I guess so, but you know how my head n my heart doesn't match at times...

Hopefully, a blessing in disguise one of these days after all these ^^

Share this comment


Link to comment
On the other hand - if you are always afraid of being hurt again, you might miss your prince in shining armour! So I think some risk has to be taken!

:) Heinz, thanks for your response. Actually, I really felt that I have already missed the boat on at least two occasions, and each of the two guys is already happily married. On the first occasion, I was 17 and dating a 16YO younger guy. At that time, I had really low self-esteem (sometimes I still have low self-esteem today), and worried that he is not really loving me and that he will soon leave me for a younger girl. Moreover, I was still pretty much in denial of my own feelings and dreams at that time, and left him within a few weeks for an older guy who was a wild party animal (and of course, the older guy and I also broke up soon after). At that time, I was too ashamed to admit to the younger BF that I still wanted to party very hard cos he was really a good BF to me, treating me as a real person and serious with me, so I cooked up a lie and tell him that I was "just" returning to my ex BF who came back to me cos he kept asking me why we seemed to be getting on well but why I suddenly wanted to break up with him.

In the end, it appeared that my mistrust in him about leaving me for a younger girl was unfounded cos a couple of years or so after we broke up, he dated another older girl (my age) and is now happily married to her for some years. He is definitely one BF I really feel I have not fully cherished cos there were too many fears in me of being let down and used again. But it's too late...

Share this comment


Link to comment
you are a nice person and i'm sure you will find someone......... :)

:) Thanks Soda sweets for your kind words of encouragement. Hopefully all will turn out well in the end...

Share this comment


Link to comment
agree -- 50-50 -- agree---50-50 ....move along Hazel, you have many fantasitic men coming along; and your whole life is front of you. just keep your heart and eyes open. there is little 100% in this world.... but much more good than bad. hang in there!

:) Dan, thanks for your kind words of encouragement. I know what you mean and that there's no 100% or perfect men out there. I don't need perfect men or 100% (cos I know they don't exist) - I just don't want to fall in love with the "wrong" type of guys and be hurt again :( It seems that more often than not, I am still having the hots for the wrong type of guys (the kind who will never love me in return wholeheartedly). I just don't know why. Maybe my brain is still programmed offttrack, I wonder?

Just the other day, I saw on my FBK that my guyfriend is touring alone with his female friend (whom he labelled as his BFF). Alone with her! I'm so envious. Envious that some guys and some gals just have all the luck to have someone of the opposite sex as their BFF n get away with it. But for me, no such luck too :(

I'm also mindful that I have just turned 30 this year. What this means to me is that most guys my age or older are either already married or in a steady relationship, or else I have to go for the younger guys. N we all know that however we may try to explain it away, it remains a phenomenon that guys (be them younger or older) mostly prefer to have younger gals as their partners. So there's that thing too.

Share this comment


Link to comment

hi hazel have you ever considered going to see a therapist? Someone that is truely independant and able to help with some of the decisions you are going to make about men!!! There are plenty of good men and women around although not easy to find I know!!!!

Share this comment


Link to comment
hi hazel have you ever considered going to see a therapist? Someone that is truely independant and able to help with some of the decisions you are going to make about men!!! There are plenty of good men and women around although not easy to find I know!!!!

:) Hi Dave, thanks for your response. That may be a good idea... N agree that sometimes it's not easy to find someone whom we like and who is sincere about us too... So you did come back to TF once in a while haha! ^^

Share this comment


Link to comment
Guest
Add a comment...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...