After work yesterday it was one of my happiness day went out with my new friend, Babe shopping arround. After I've been through worse moment last month.
Late last month it was my first time I felt I was loosing trust in ppl which is sad. Also a Combodian friend came to me on 19-Feb-13 asked me to hug her tell me she's leaving soon and on a break she was crying said she's lonely and have no one. I'm trying not to cry while she was wiping her tear it made me think she's been living here for 9 years and still lonely and noone, how about me who's being here 1 year and 3 months. I have no one too I told her. I was so sad when I think of what she kept telling me " I know you wouldn't mad at me if I said anything to you coz we came from similar culture". During her working there she's always bring me some food which which I told her that i don't want anything coz I know she has two kids. Now she's gone and I really miss sitting next to her on my break.
Last week my closed mate was given verbal warning which turns her to from a talkative person to more silence. I know her spirit being killed but I don't want to make the matter worse by showing sympathy. She is one of a good worker and cooperate, I love her but I couldn't imagine what would be like if I lost her coz I have no one. Yesterday on lunch break I saw her eyes were in tear it made me sad I know what it is. When you are adult you're not cry like baby but this is what adult cope with sadness or insecure. Afew days before she given warning, we were fighting once she knows I like someone I know she affraid I could be hurt but later I told her even I like someone I've never thought of bothering him coz I know who I am. I am trying to make she gets better by saying little this & that but I know it'd take time. I can't loose her and I would do anything to keep her here with me.
I don't know anyone here I mean someone that I trust, someone I wanted to share. During down time I saw that guy passing I thought " this is only I thought I like you it seemed some ppl's problem, what if it more...would I get lynch?" LOL. coz after or same day that I talked to him, Jen a girl who works next room to me was standing and look at me that day I don't know for how long she did that but I felt someone staring at me, when I turn I saw her lonely eyes and full of question, more like why you again or something like that. I wanted to tell her that I'm no different to her but affraid it would be no end so I was resuming my work. I heard she wants a bf, she is 23-24 yrs old now, which is rare for someone at this age being single here. she witnessed Ronan talk to me for most of time coz she was sitting there at the same table and by that time we didn't know each others coz we both new. She later on asked me to advise her how to attract guy and if I can introduce someone to her but that time I didn't know she means Ronan coz I'm not sure if she heard he said he looks for someone his age. I witnessed she made her move to him which quite embarrasing but she is young and at least she's tried. She asked infront of him one day and when i'm not say a word she kept repeating loud and louder " Are you going to leave your husband?" I couldn't take any longer when she gets loud so I said " No, and why you asked me such question?". She keep saying that ppl are mean to her, included me. I didn't mean to but she forces me. I washed my dish she throws her spoon to a sink and tell me to wash for her, at first I did, the second I said no and the third I told her "you are an ugly person" which I think it would hurt her somehow. Two weeks ago she asked to be nice and sing for her. I feel sorry for her and I didn't know what I should give her and when she asks to sing for her I did sing her "kiss me" and "Ho hey by the Lumineers" which are two songs of my guitar playing. I saw her eyes satisfied... On Friday a week ago she gave me hug twice when she saw me i guess she'd probably know that I'm fighting with one of my workmates. And that work mate came to apologize to me later which i told her never mind coz I never expected ppl to be nice to me.There was only one incident that I took as abusive which made me wanted to leave my job after 6 months but up until now 8 months I still here lol. They are not that bad i think sometimes ppl can be aggressive and wild, maybe our closedness. Normally I don't like to fight I prefer calm and quiet moment, sometimes I let some say what they want coz it can not bring me down which my closed mate couldn't take it when i told her that "she told me to go in that room and have sex with a tall guy. My closed mate said why don't you tell her to faak off. There is one incident at a kitchen while I was waiting to wave my lunch and I was laughing out loud at a guy, when a work mate saw she yelled at me "why you get excited? I tell you this, Indian man never married other nation women, except Indian women" then she turns to him tell him in their native language. I was pissed off and when we're back to work she told everyone at workplace that I get excited bla bla.... I tried to interupt but it didn't work so I waited untill she finished then I say "You know what, I like blue eyes". The reason I laugh at kitchen coz the guy kept saying he was single 3 times it kind of funny coz I knew since we sent to clean his work place before FDA came to inspect last year. That day a guy brought him in, where we're cleaning and asked "Is there any girl single or available here?" My closed mate joked by point at me "she is available" I said "no, I'm not available, i'm taken" and someone said "double taken" from our back it was Ronan. During Valentine's day, last month my work mates asked me where I went after lunch. I told them I went to toilet and a second person asked "how many minutes you sit in toilet room?" it caused my jaw drop open coz do I have to count how many minutes I sit in toilet room? since this is my privacy.
I don't care what ppl saying about me coz I'm not a bad person at all I never bother anyone as far as I know but some say that I do this and do that to show off or attract guys. I'm just nobody which noone cares. Last Friday I talked to a guy (project mgr) whom my closedmate told me not to talk to if I don't want to hear gossip but I don't care now. I can't pleased ppl. I thought of a guy's quote on internet say " Don't try to understand women coz women who understand women well, they hate each others" LOL i think he's right. However, there is nothing too good or too bad and I don't hate or have problem with my workmates even sometimes some may abit harsh or ask about my private life which can be worse than men talk sometimes but nobody perfect... Anyway, yesterday it was one of my day, Babe turns on raido and we sang along out loud like teenagers with the police, I be watching you. I enjoyed intimate friendship with Babe, this is our first day out together. When i first knew that I'm going to lose my combodian friend I started make a new one with Babe and it satisfied me, we naked in fiting room together, try on new cloths I told her I like her complexion and she told me she likes my legs and told me to dress up like 19 yrs old girl by get my hair done and change dress up style, also says "you should wear two pieces, walk on the beach" (she mimick model walking on a cat walk while she's saying) . When I got home I realized that Babe is a lonely woman she told me she's been a single mom for many years before she met her husband. In her homeland she said if you're single mom ppl'd think you worthless to associate with, and I said most asian countries think that way. she told me she kept praying for so long before god sent her this man. When I left her, she's still shopping around. Next weekend she will take me to lady shop at sylvia park which I can't wait to spend time with her.
Last week, a cousin told me to talk and give emotional support to my bro since he is in his down moment, I saw he posted on fb says " It isn't his fault to not believe in god and between the good & the bad he stands in the middle, why he got punished by took away what he loved most in life" I just can't do a thing since there are so many ppl around me down which made me numb and I prefer to be numb...There are so many things in my head, something I prefer to keep as secret...the secret that I would never tell anyone coz it do no good... On my bed time I'm lie awak thinking of one of my favorite song "Daylight" since I become two person, one is in realistic world and another I am in my fantasy world. My fantasy keep me energy and make me want to survive, so I recharge my energy before bed time every day... I learned not to hold on to something beyond my power and let it be if something mean to be coz I can't force against nature when it is supposed to be....