It's been ages since I last post anything on TF. I must admit I miss writing and ranting, but it's so difficult to find time to just sit down and let words come to me. Time seems to fly much faster here in the West. I used to have much more time to browse the Internet and typing up thoughts and life events. Not so much anymore.
It's been a bit over a year since I arrived in the land of gray sky. I had such high hope that everything would be just as great as my life back home. Yet, I only set myself up for disappointment. The first 2 months was very boring and somewhat frustrating. Having no job and no income, I felt like I lost my freedom. It wasn't that I didn't have good food to eat, warm bed to sleep in, nor couldn't afford anything at all. But being dependent on my husband financially frustrated me and made me feel worthless.
I was lucky enough to be accepted in a job after 3 months of job hunting and only 2 interviews. Being hired by one of the biggest companies in the country, not having to work shifts, and not having to rely on my labor should have been enough to keep me happy. On the contrary, I found myself struggling to get out and wanting the job in my previous field. I found the opportunity at a company under the same umbrella as my previous job back home. Although the vacancy was for a lower position, I didn't hesitate to apply. I was full of hope, and big dream that this would be my way back to the industry and the job that I enjoy.
I was called in for an interview and the interviewers seemed to be impressed by my knowledge of how the company operates, all the internal terms used within the company and even how to manage the internal systems. Then the job was postponed, I waited for almost 2 months more for the second interview. As great as I thought my skills in English were, I couldn't compete with the local. This was the company that I had shown really good performance, and much greater chance in getting the job, yet I already lost that chance.
I was devastated. I hated my current job even more and sharing the same house as the in laws made it much harder for me. I looked for other opportunity to get back into the same industry but there seemed to be no open door for me. I didn't want to go to work, but I didn't want to be home either. I felt like I had nowhere to go. I felt so depressed that I would just cry for no reason. I could be doing the dishes and tears would well up. I stopped laughing and only smiling when appropriate, not because I felt like smiling. I dislike myself much worst than I had ever done.
The only thing that kept me in this strange land is my husband. He has been amazing and I feel so lucky being his wife. So many times I ask myself what on Earth I am doing here. The only answer is to be with him. I had much more in my country of birth, family, friends, great job, great salary, good food, good weather, etc. If I had known I would have to give up so much coming here, I don't think I would ever come. :twisted:
I decided to go see a doctor about my mental health. I was prescribed anti-depression medications. I didn't think the medication did me any good. What healed me was the fact that we decided to move out to be on our own. Rented accommodation, but it gave me a big peace of mind.
Since I arrived, things hasn't been easy for my husband. I feel guilty having to put him into many difficult situations, especially financially. He used to live comfortably, and spoiled himself, which he couldn't do as much having me here. But he never once mentioned that he regrets having me with him.
Once we moved out, I found that I am able to be myself again. I started getting better at my job, although I still don't enjoy it, it has become bearable. The most important part is that I smile and laugh again.
I have to learn to cook, clean and keep the place tidy. Luckily that the accommodation we live in right now is on the smaller side. It's spacious enough for two people but small enough to only take a few hours to clean. For the first time in my life, I learn to enjoy my independence.
Life has been treating me much better the past few months. I don't seem to mind a lot of things that used to bother me. It could be that I have been here long enough that I slowly adjust to the country, the people and the way of life. But one thing that still bothers me from time to time is my personal finance. I used to earn more in the third world country, where cost of living is relatively cheap. Now I am earning much less, but living in one of the most expensive country in the world. A thousand baht is a lot of money to me now, nice things are only for special occasion, and there are things that I have to tell myself that I can no longer afford. I know I won't be earning any more than I do now moaning about it. I want to make more money and I will definitely make it happen. That is my main goal for next year.
2013 has been a real roller coaster of my life. I had never been so unhappy, frustrated and depressed. But at the same time, I am happy that I am here with my loving and supportive husband. Without all of the bad rides, I wouldn't realize how great and wonderful he is. There are a few weeks left of this year and I am hoping to end it on the high. I am also looking forward to a more positive year in 2014. I hope to also have a bit more time to vent out my frustration on here more often.
Until then, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you all.