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PeterH61

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Blog Entries posted by PeterH61

  1. PeterH61
    A boy who was just coming up to his 8th birthday told his father he wanted a cowboy outfit for a birthday present.  So the father bought him a block of shares in BP
  2. PeterH61
    Ten reasons why we know Santa is a man
     
    1.                  No dress sense
    2.                  Never replies to your letters
    3.                  The chances of getting what you ask for are nil
    4.                  Beer belly
    5.                  Only commits to one day a year
    6.                  Obsessed with stockings
    7.                  He never stops to ask for directions
    8.                  Too lazy to shave
    9.                  Always wears the same clothes
    10.              Only willing to do a job when people leave food and booze out for him – and even then he doesn’t wash up afterwards
     
    HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE  -  Ho  Ho  Ho
  3. PeterH61
    1. A blonde and a brunette were in an elevator with a man. They both noticed he had some dandruff on his shirt, but were too nice to say anything to him about it.  When he finally got out two floors later, the brunette said, "Wow, somebody should give that man some Head n Shoulders" and the blonde replied, "How do you give him shoulders?"
     
    2. A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.  After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, she shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.  Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "****, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
     
    3. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.  The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.  The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
     
    4. A blonde went to a flying school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.  He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.  After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."  After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, then watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said: "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan..."
     
    5. A blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions.  She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within a half an hour, she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.  During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately flipping the coin, swearing and sweating.  The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.  She replied, "I finished the exam in half and hour. But, I’m rechecking my answers!!"
     
    6. One day, a blonde goes into a store. She gets an item and walks up to the cashier. She says, "I'd like to buy this TV".  He says, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes".  The next day, she dyes her hair red and goes back in the store, but the same thing happens.  Finally, she shaves her head and goes back in. When she tries to buy it for the third time, the man refuses again for the same reason.  She says, "How the hell do you know I'm blonde?"  He replied  “That's a microwave."
  4. PeterH61
    When men were all asleep the snow came flying, In large white flakes falling on the city brown, Stealthily and perpetually settling and loosely lying,     Hushing the latest traffic of the drowsy town; Deadening, muffling, stifling its murmurs failing; Lazily and incessantly floating down and down:     Silently sifting and veiling road, roof and railing; Hiding difference, making unevenness even, Into angles and crevices softly drifting and sailing.Robert Seymour Bridges (1844 - 1930)  
  5. PeterH61
    It's that time of the year again, when TFers go around grovelling for votes.  Each vote between 6 and 12 December inclusive for those signed up for the event will earn 1 baht (or more, depending on the individual's commitment) for charity.So PLEASE PLEASE keep the votes coming in folks, the more we vote, the more we can raise for the orphans.  It's a gr8 way of making merit just by clicking vote buttons.
    Thanks
  6. PeterH61
    A guy went out on a pub crawl one Friday night.  After drinking all he could manage he went to Trafalgar Square and climbed on the back of one of the four bronze lions guarding the base of Nelson's Column, where he sat shouting "Giddy up"Two policemen turned up and tried to persuade him down, but it took some doing and after he had knocked off both their helmets and pushed them around a bit, out came the handcuffs.  As he was led away he screamed at the top of his voice "The whole country's being run by a bunch of idiots"After Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights in the police cells he was up in front of the magistrates.  Thay fined him 100 pounds for drunk and causing a nuisance, 200 pounds for assaulting police officers and sent him to prison for two years under the Official Secrets Act.
  7. PeterH61
    One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo-keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts. So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before anyone comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people, even pee on them, and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on branches and tyres. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo-keeper comes and gives him a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his pay keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!" but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion puts a paw across his mouth."Shut up" sbarls the lion, "Do you want to get us both fired?"
  8. PeterH61
    You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this.   For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on... 
     
    If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:
    COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
    A:         Super Duper computer store.  Can I help you?
    C:         Thanks.  I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
    A:         Mac?
    C:         No, the name's Lou.
    A:         Your computer?
    C:         I don't own a computer.  I want to buy one.
    A:         Mac?
    C:         I told you, my name's Lou.
    A:         What about Windows?
    C:         Why?  Will it get stuffy in here?
    A:         Do you want a computer with Windows?
    C:         I don't know.  What will I see when I look at the windows?
    A:         Wallpaper.
    C:         Never mind the windows.  I need a computer and software.
    A:         Software for Windows?
    C:         No.  On the computer!  I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business.  What do you have?
    A:         Office.
    C:         Yeah, for my office.  Can you recommend anything?
    A:         I just did.
    C:         You just did what?
    A:         Recommend something.
    C:         You recommended something?
    A:         Yes.
    C:         For my office?
    A:         Yes.
    C:         OK, what did you recommend for my office?
    A:         Office.
    C:         Yes, for my office!
    A:         I recommend Office with Windows.
    C:         I already have an office with windows!  OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal.?  What do I need?
    A:         Word.
    C:         What word?
    A:         Word in Office.
    C:         The only word in office is office.
    A:         The Word in Office for Windows.
    C:         Which word in office for windows?
    A:         The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
    C:         I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers!  What about financial bookkeeping?  You have anything I can track my money with?
    A:         Money.
    C:         That's right.  What do you have?
    A:         Money.
    C:         I need money to track my money?
    A:         It comes bundled with your computer.
    C:         What's bundled with my computer?
    A:         Money.
    C:         Money comes with my computer?
    A:         Yes.  No extra charge.
    C:         I get a bundle of money with my computer?  How much?
    A:         One copy.
    C:         Isn't it illegal to copy money?
    A:         Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
    C:         They can give you a license to copy money?
    A:         Why not?  THEY OWN IT!


    A FEW DAYS LATER

     
    A:         Super Duper computer store.  Can I help you?
    C:         How do I turn my computer off?
    A:         Click on "START".............
  9. PeterH61
    After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't exactly travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
     
    “Excuse me, Your Holiness,” says the driver, “would you please take your seat so we can leave?”
     
    “Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.”
     
    ”I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I can’t let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?” protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
     
    ”Who's going to tell?” says the Pope with a smile.


    Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. He quickly regrets it when, after exiting the airport, his boss floors the pedal, accelerating the limo to 200 kph (remember, the Pope is German).


    ”Please slow down, Your Holiness!” pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal on the floor until they hear sirens.


    ”Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license - and my job!” moans the driver.


    The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.


    ”I need to talk to the Chief,” he says to the dispatcher.


    The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 200 kph.
     
    ”So bust him,” says the Chief.
     
    ”I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,” said the cop.


    The Chief exclaimed, “All the more reason!”
     
    ”No, I mean really important,” said the cop with a bit of persistence.


    The Chief then asked, “Who do you have there, the mayor?”
     
    Cop: “Bigger.”


    Chief: “A senator?
     
    Cop: “Bigger.” 
     
    Chief: “The President?”
     
    Cop: 'Bigger.'”Well,” said the Chief, 'who the f**k is it”
     
    Cop: “I think it's God!”


    The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, “What makes you think that?”


    Cop: “His chauffeur is the Pope”
  10. PeterH61
    I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me - her beautiful younger sister.


    My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.  She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.  It had to be deliberate, because she never did it near anyone else.


    One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.  She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings for me that she couldn't overcome.  She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
    Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.  She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last fling before you commit yourself for life, just come up and have me.'
    I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.  I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.  I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
    And  there standing outside, all clapping, was my future family!  With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better husband for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
    And the moral of this story is:
    ALWAYS KEEP YOUR CONDOMS IN YOUR CAR
  11. PeterH61
    33 days to go until the opening test of the Ashes series, and news from both camps.For England, Andrew "Freddie" Flintoff is well on the way to recovery from surgery on his knee and expects to be fully fit for the Ashes.  Great news for the Three Lions.
    On the other side, Andrew Symonds has been sent home for what are simply described as "alcohol related incidents".  Not such good news for the Aussies.So Flintoff is on the mend and Symonds is on the way home (after being on the p*ss)!!!Cue a barbershop quartet singing with Australian accents:"Goodbye Ashes ...... Goodbye Ashes ...... Goodbye Ashes ...... You're going to leave us now"
     
  12. PeterH61
    The following are all supposed to be comments made in interviews by members of the medical professions.  Just how reliable the sources are is open to discussion, but hey - enjoy!
    1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, Lifted the lady's
    dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one.
    2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
    slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
    instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
    3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart".
    4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!  The instructions now include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
    5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
    6. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.  When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass".  Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
  13. PeterH61
    These are genuine extracts from letters complaining to local councils in Britain:
     
    1.      My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
     
    2.      He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

    3.      It's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.

    4.      I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

    5.      I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly then he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

    6.      And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

    7.      I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

    8.      My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

    9.      I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

    10.  Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

    11.  I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

    12.  50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

    13.  I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

    14.  The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

    15.  Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

    16.  I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

    17.  The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

    18.  Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

    19.  I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

    20.  Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

    21.  I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
     
    22.  This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
  14. PeterH61
    A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things
    were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and
    wanted to give up, She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as
    one problem was solved, a new one arose.
    Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and
    placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she
    placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed
    ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.
    In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots
    out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a
    bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to
    her daughter, she asked, ' Tell me what you see.'
    'Carrots, eggs, and coffee,' she replied.
    Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did
    and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take
    an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard
    boiled egg.
    Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter
    smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, 'What does it
    mean, mother?'
    Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same
    adversity: boiling water.. Each reacted differently The carrot went in
    strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the
    boiling water, it softened and became weak the egg had been fragile. Its
    thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting
    through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee
    beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had
    changed the water.
    'Which are you?' she asked her daughter. 'When adversity knocks on your
    door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
    Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain
    and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?
    Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat?
    Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial
    hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my
    shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff
    spirit and hardened heart?
    Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the
    very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it
    releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things
    are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.
    When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate
    yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot,
    an egg or a coffee bean?
    May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you
    strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.
    The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they
    just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest
    future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in
    life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
    When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling..
    Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone
    around you is crying.
    May we all be COFFEE!!!
  15. PeterH61
    Today, 23 April is the birthday of one of the greatest dramatists and poets in history, if not THE greatest.Born in Stratford-upon-Avon, Warwickshire, England 23 April 1564, William Shakespeare grew up to the age of about 20 in that small market town.  At 18 he married Anne Hathaway, 9 years his elder - he married young even by the standards of his day (of Capulet's daughter Juliet, 2 weeks short of her 14th birthday, he wrote "Good mothers are younger than she made").  The likely reason for marriage so young was that he had already made a mother of Ms. Hathaway, she was carrying his twin daughters at the time of the wedding.Faced with a difficult marriage and a domineering wife who was growing increasingly bitchy, he made the 100 mile (160km) journey to London, where he fell in with a group of travelling players led by Richard Burbage.  As was normal in the late 16th century, a group of players would stick together with one or two of them writing most of their material.  So it was with Burbage's group, the principal playwright being Shakespeare.In 1599 the band of players moved into their new base, the Globe Theatre in Southwark.  The old wooden building has not survived, but its location is marked and about 300m away a full size replica was built in the 1990s which presents his work each summer season much as it would have been performed in his day.Among the greatest of his 37 plays are Hamlet, Macbeth, A Midsummer Night's Dream, Romeo and Juliet, Othello and the great histories including Henry IV in two parts, Henry V, Henry VI in three parts and Richard III.He returned to Stratford around 1608 and lived out the remainder of his camparitively short life, dying there on his 52nd birthday, 23 April 1616.  He is buried in Stratford.Happy birthday Bill! Some of his most famous lines:"To be or not to be, that is the question" (Hamlet)"Is this a dagger that I see beforre me?" (Macbeth)"A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse" (Richard III)"Once more unto the breach dear friends, once more" (Henry V)"What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet" (Romeo and Juliet)"Ill met by moonlight, proud Titania" (A Midsummer Night's Dream)"If music be the food of love, play on" (Twelfth Night)"He must have a long spoon that would eat with the Devil" (A Comedy of Errors)"The quality of mercy is not strained, it droppeth as the gentle rain from Heaven upon the place beneath" (The Merchant of Venice)"All the world's a stage" (As You Like It)"A woman moved is like a fountain troubled, muddy, ill-seeming, thick, bereft of beauty. And while it is so, none so dry or thirsty would deign to sip or touch one drop (The Taming of the Shrew)"Blow, blow, thou winter wind" (The Tempest)
  16. PeterH61
    A man worked for the US Mail whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.  One day, a letter came addressed in shaky handwriting to God with no address or zipcode. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:   Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $150 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is  my birthday, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.  Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Please help me? Sincerely, Edna   The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her billfold and came up with a few dollars.  By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $140, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman   The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.   A few days later, another letter came addressed to God and in the same hand. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:   Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.   By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it might have been those thieving bastards in the mail office. Sincerely,  Edna
  17. PeterH61
    On 31 March 1909, the first keel plates were laid in yard 401 at Harland & Wolff’s Belfast, Northern Ireland shipyard.  The construction of the second of three huge 45,000 ton plus “Olympic” class liners for the White Star Line had commenced.
     
    The new liner was launched on 31 May 1911 and completed on 31 March 1912, exactly 3 years after her keel plates were laid.  After a brief series of tests, she was handed over to White Star on 2 April 1912 and spent her first night at sea on the journey from Belfast to her UK base of Southampton on the night of 2/3 April, arriving shortly after mid-day and passing her sister ship “Olympic” in the English Channel.  “Olympic was outbound for Cherbourg, Queenstown (now Cobh) on the south coast of Ireland and New York.
     
    Easter fell over the weekend of 6/7 April in 1912 and for a week, she was docked at Southampton signing on her crew and provisioning for her maiden voyage under the command of White Star’s senior Captain, Edward J. Smith.  By long-standing tradition Smith always commanded new White Star ships on their maiden voyages, and it was rumoured that he was to retire after this return crossing.
     
    She sailed at 1pm on Wednesday 10 April 1912, scheduled to call at Cherbourg in France that evening and Queenstown the next morning before setting off across the Atlantic to New York, with a scheduled arrival date of Tuesday 16 April.  She called at Cherbourg and Queenstown as planned, but after sailing westward from Queenstown, she would next be seen 73½ years later, in September 1985.
     
    At 11.40pm on Sunday 14 April, she collided with an iceberg, sustaining underwater damage to six of her sixteen watertight compartments.  She had been designed to remain afloat with any four of her first five compartments breached, but not all five.  The weight of water flooding into the hull forward would pull her down at the bow until the water spilled over the top of the bulkhead into the sixth compartment, then the seventh and so on until she sank.
     
    The ship was carrying 2,206 passengers and crew, but the 16 wooden and 4 collapsible canvas lifeboats could accommodate only 1,178, little more than half the total number aboard.  1,503 lives were lost in this famous disaster.
     
    The name of this ill-fated giant was R.M.S. Titanic.
     
  18. PeterH61
    HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND CAN'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE
    A 68 year old from Mississippi was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light  on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
    He opened the back door to go and turn off the light but saw that there were burglars in the shed, so he phoned the police.  They asked "Is anyone in your house?" and he said "no".  Then they told him all their patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
    He said, "Okay", hung up, waited half a minute and phoned the police again.  'Hello, I just called you a  few seconds ago because there were burglars in my shed.  Well you don't have to worry about them anymore because I just shot them".Within five minutes six police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a  paramedic and  an  ambulance showed up at the scene and the burglars were caught red-handed.
    One of the cops said to the old man, "I thought  you said that you'd shot them!" He answered, "I  thought you said there was nobody available!"Moral: Don't let officialdom fob you off with excuses
  19. PeterH61
    How many others did it happen to???There I was, enjoying my TF membership, sending and receiving testis, PMs votes, even the occasional VK, then WHAM!!!  my profile suddenly disappearsTurns out there was an unexpected bug in the system and several profiles got deleted by accident, including yours truly.  Suddenly I had to re-register, rebuild my profile and start again from scratch, so now I'm even further behind Papa - have to go out vote-whoring again to rebuild the totalStill, when I got a PM from Admin and explained the problem, I at least got my premium membership back, thx m8Hopefully by the end of this year (with the Ashes back at Lords, please note Ronacoll, Dave, BJ etc!!!) I'll be back somewhere near the total I had at the end of 2008Keep the votes coming folks (is there anything he won't do to get a few extra votes???)
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