Stramash Posted June 11, 2011 Report Share Posted June 11, 2011 Ironically, The Dog Inn pub has a really small car park. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kaunitz Posted June 20, 2011 Report Share Posted June 20, 2011 Ricky Pointing and Graheme Smith are walking down the road when they come across a sheep with its head stuck in the fence. Ricky immidiatly drops his rods and begins to shag the sheep when he is finished he turns to Graheme and says now its your turn. So Graheme drops his rods and sticks his head in the fence. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted June 20, 2011 Report Share Posted June 20, 2011 Boy: So, sex at my place? Girl: Yeah! Boy: OK, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother and he thinks we're making sandwiches so this is the code. Cheese= Faster. Tomato= Harder. Girl: OK ~Later~ Girl: CHEESE CHEESE TOMATO CHEESE! Brother: Stop making sandwiches! You're getting mayo all over my bed! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted June 22, 2011 Report Share Posted June 22, 2011 I met a beautiful woman by the lake the other day; there was a spark between us and she fell at my feet. As we lay together making love i thought to myself... ...these ******* tazers are well worth the money. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alan675 Posted June 23, 2011 Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 I thought the wife would be an ideal candidate for a new reality TV show. Turns out I got it all wrong and the programme's called Fact Hunt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kaunitz Posted June 23, 2011 Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 Son: "Dad, may I borrow your flashlight?" Dad: "What for?" Son: "We want to go to the park this night having a bit fun with the girls!" Dad: "In my times, we didn't need a flashlight for that!" Son: "That's what mum is looking like!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted June 23, 2011 Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 Son: "Dad, may I borrow your flashlight?"Dad: "What for?" Son: "We want to go to the park this night having a bit fun with the girls!" Dad: "In my times, we didn't need a flashlight for that!" Son: "That's what mum is looking like!" and cue tumbleweed... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kaunitz Posted June 25, 2011 Report Share Posted June 25, 2011 One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin. 'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments. David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I.' The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?' Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..' The postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.' 'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded. 'Your name came up 7 times.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kaunitz Posted July 5, 2011 Report Share Posted July 5, 2011 Finally, the elderly playboy got the 16year-old in his appartment. Naked, he is standing in front of her pointing his fingers between his legs. "Girlie, do you know what this is?" he asks. "This is the Pee-Pee-Man", the girl replies. Smiling, the playboy explains: "No, my dear, this is the penis, the prick, the cock! So what is it now?" "This is the Pee-Pee-Man", the girl says again. "No, my darling", says the playboy, "this is the part of my body that will make you shiver and it is called cock or prick, so what is it now?" The girl replies:" Well, I've seen a couple of pricks and ***** up to now but this definitely IS a Pee-Pee-Man!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted July 5, 2011 Report Share Posted July 5, 2011 As I sat naked on the edge of the bed sobbing, my wife consoled me. "Hey, chin up, I'm sure it happens to lots of guys" she sympathised "Is there anyone we can call?", "No!" I wailed, "They'll say the usual 'try again later' or 'try something different', I'm a failure", "Hey" she whispered, "You never fail me, I love you no matter what. We'll get there in the end" "Promise?" I sniffed, "I promise." She smiled and stood up; "Now, come on, forget the Guinness book of Records, let's get those 27 smarties out from under your foreskin". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teila Posted July 7, 2011 Report Share Posted July 7, 2011 Not dirty but made me laugh. A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?” The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?” The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wife’s first husband.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StevieJR Posted July 7, 2011 Report Share Posted July 7, 2011 As I sat naked on the edge of the bed sobbing, my wife consoled me."Hey, chin up, I'm sure it happens to lots of guys" she sympathised "Is there anyone we can call?", "No!" I wailed, "They'll say the usual 'try again later' or 'try something different', I'm a failure", "Hey" she whispered, "You never fail me, I love you no matter what. We'll get there in the end" "Promise?" I sniffed, "I promise." She smiled and stood up; "Now, come on, forget the Guinness book of Records, let's get those 27 smarties out from under your foreskin". **** sake...and u say my jokes are shite! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted July 7, 2011 Report Share Posted July 7, 2011 **** sake...and u say my jokes are shite! They are. Much worse than that... How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? 12. One to screw it in, one to excoriate men for creating the need for illumination, one to blame men for inventing such a faulty means of illumination, one to suggest the whole "screwing" bit to be too "rape-like", one to deconstruct the lightbulb itself as being phallic, one to blame men for not changing the bulb, one to blame men for trying to change the bulb instead of letting a woman do it, one to blame men for creating a society that discourages women from changing light bulbs, one to blame men for creating a society where women change too many light bulbs, one to advocate that lightbulb changers should have wage parity with electricians, one to alert the media that women are now "out-lightbulbing" men, and one to just sit there taking pictures for her blog for photo-evidence that men are unnecessary. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teddy Posted July 28, 2011 Report Share Posted July 28, 2011 Amy Winehouse arrives at the gates of heaven to be greeted by Michael Jackson and St Peter.Amy says, "Oh Michael are you here to greet me because I'm a musical genius like you?"Michael turns to St Peter and says, "Who is that horse faced junkie, and where are all these Norwegian kids you promised me?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
English_Bob Posted July 28, 2011 Report Share Posted July 28, 2011 How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? How many premenstrual women does it take to change a lightbulb? IT JUST DOES!!! ALRIGHT??!! How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb? I'm better than you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CiaranM Posted July 28, 2011 Report Share Posted July 28, 2011 Amy Winehouse arrives at the gates of heaven to be greeted by Michael Jackson and St Peter.Amy says, "Oh Michael are you here to greet me because I'm a musical genius like you?"Michael turns to St Peter and says, "Who is that horse faced junkie, and where are all these Norwegian kids you promised me?" u sick motherfucker !!! but i did laugh !!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teddy Posted July 28, 2011 Report Share Posted July 28, 2011 Terrorists have hidden small bombs in 100’s of tins of alphabet spaghetti. If they go off, they could spell disaster. ....................... Jeremy Beadle had a really small cock. On the other hand... ...................... One for the scientists among us. A hydrogen atom walks into a bar and says "I think I've lost an electron" the bar man says, "are you sure" "Yeh", says the atom, "I'm positive" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admin_2 Posted July 28, 2011 Report Share Posted July 28, 2011 Terrorists have hidden small bombs in 100’s of tins of alphabet spaghetti. If they go off, they could spell disaster........................ Jeremy Beadle had a really small cock. On the other hand... ...................... One for the scientists among us. A hydrogen atom walks into a bar and says "I think I've lost an electron" the bar man says, "are you sure" "Yeh", says the atom, "I'm positive" These were awesome. I was rolling on the floor, laughing my ass off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JTHM Posted July 28, 2011 Report Share Posted July 28, 2011 (edited) Amy Winehouse arrives at the gates of heaven to be greeted by Michael Jackson and St Peter.Amy says, "Oh Michael are you here to greet me because I'm a musical genius like you?"Michael turns to St Peter and says, "Who is that horse faced junkie, and where are all these Norwegian kids you promised me?" hehe hillarious :-) I have to wait a couple of weeks before telling it to my collegues though ;-) Edited July 28, 2011 by JTHM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StevieJR Posted July 28, 2011 Report Share Posted July 28, 2011 A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. How much for the beer? asks the neutron For you? replies the bartender, "no charge" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
English_Bob Posted July 28, 2011 Report Share Posted July 28, 2011 If we're being intellectual... Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? To get to the same side. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
English_Bob Posted July 28, 2011 Report Share Posted July 28, 2011 And if we're being childish (which I obviously prefer)... A Polar bear walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a pint of........................................................ ....................................lager." The bartender asks, "What's with the big pause?" To which the Polar Bear laughs, "Always had 'em!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StevieJR Posted July 28, 2011 Report Share Posted July 28, 2011 Whats the difference between an egg and a wank? You can beat an egg! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKYWARRIOR Posted July 28, 2011 Report Share Posted July 28, 2011 What do you get when you cross breed an onion and a donkey? 99% of the time you'll get an onion with ears, but 1% of the time, if all conditions are right, you'll get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes. Whats the difference between a womans track team and a bunch of pygmies? Well...one's a cunning bunch of runts.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StevieJR Posted July 28, 2011 Report Share Posted July 28, 2011 The police call an Arsenal supporter at work " Im sorry to inform you sir but you're house has been broken into, they've drunk all you're beer then raped you're wife" "Oh my god" screams the gunner......"I cant believe they shagged my missus after only 4 beers" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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