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Dirty jokes


amarone
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Wife comes home early and catches her hubby having a wank in the kitchen.

She rushes over and gives him the best blowjob of his life.

Afterwards he asks, "We haven't had sex for six months and suddenly this. Why?"

She answers, "I just washed the floor this morning, I'd rather brush my teeth than clean the fuckin' floor again!"

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Last winter I went on holiday to Thailand. On the last evening, I took three hookers back to my room. At one point, I had one on my c*ck, one on my face and was ramming a vibrator up the other one's a**, while changing channels on TV with the other hand.

So, all in all, I find it most offensive when my wife starts banging on about how men are no good at multi-tasking.

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Wife says to her husband,....."I had the strangest dream last night. It was christmas, and our tree was decorated with all kinds of penises. White ones, black ones, circumcised and uncircumcised, big and small. And on the top of the tree was the *perfect* penis."

Hubby says, "I bet that one was mine?"

She says, "Sorry, honey, it wasn't."

He says, "You know, it's weird, but I had almost the same dream. A christmas tree decorated with *******...shaven and unshaven, thin and thick lips, scented and unscented...and the one on the top was the *perfect* *****."

She says, "I suppose that one on the top was mine?"

He says, "Nope. Yours was holding up the tree!"

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I locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night.

It turns out they get really pissed when you go in and ask them for a coat hanger.

It's ironic how when a girl is saying "No" it's easier to get your cock in her mouth than when she's saying "Yes".

I took my girlfriend for an abortion today. Apparently its considered bad manners to pass round a bag of jelly babies in the waiting room. Ungrateful slags.

Some random woman stopped me in the street today and started telling me a joke. It had all the ingredients of a good joke: child abuse; incestual rape; tears and suffering; but I didn't understand the punchline. Something about £2 a month?

Finally convinced my girlfriend to have an abortion.

All she needed was a nudge in the right direction.

And some stairs.

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A husband, admiring his naked body in the mirror, says to his wife, "Look at that, fourteen stone of pure dynamite!"

His wife replies, "******* shame about the two inch fuse!"

I approached a woman in Tesco who was collecting for vaginal reconstructive surgery.

She had a massive bucket.

After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory.

Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there.

Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.

"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse. "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."

"Well," said the nurse, "the first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks."

"Ahhh, that's really nice!" said Lucy.

"The second is from your husband- he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!"

"Brilliant!" said Lucy. "And the third?"

"That's from Eric in the burns unit," said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears!"

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A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"

The girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit.â€

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A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ELECTRICIAN WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE, THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT.

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE, SHE SAYS, THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK.

I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS, HE SAYS. DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE HOME PRO WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME.

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?

SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO..DO YOU SEE SARA LEE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

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A guy says to his wife - "Honey, we're going fishing this weekend! It's gonna be great... just you, me and the dog out in the countryside! I can't wait!"

The wife agrees, but she isn't convinced, not really being that interested in fishing.

At 5am(!) on Saturday morning the guy starts shaking his wife. "Come on, love. Time to wake up! Gotta get going for our fishing trip!"

His wife says, "For God's sake it's 5am! Who on earth goes fishing at 5am?"

The guy answers, "Everyone! It's the best time! Waters are calm, fish are biting. Come on it'll be great - just you, me and the dog out on the lake!"

The wife sighs and says, "Look I'm sorry - I know you're excited. But I can't be arsed getting out of bed at 5am and dragging myself over to the lake and watching you fishing."

The guy is downcast. "I can't believe you'd ruin this for me. You know how much I was looking forward to this! You spoil everything."

"OK" his wife says, feeling guilty, "How can I make you feel better?"

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Either give me a blow job or let me **** you in the arse."

His wife says, "Well, you're not sticking that in my arse... come here and I'll give you a quick blow job."

She gets her head down and starts work, but immediately pulls back... "Jesus," she says, "Your **** tastes terrible! It tastes like ****!."

The guy looks a little embarrassed and says, "Yeah... well the dog didn't want to go either."

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A man goes into a gun shop and buys a rifle to go bear hunting. Five minutes into the woods, he spots a huge grizzly, takes aim and fires… and when the smoke clears, bear is gone. As he's puzzling over this, he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and there, towering over him, is the bear.

"Well, you took your best shot and missed, so now I'm going to eat you!"

The man begs and pleads not to be killed, and the bear thinks about it and says, "I suppose I COULD let you live… if you give me a blow job."

So the man does the horrible deed and goes back to the gun shop the following day, walking out with an AK-47. He goes back to the woods, sees the same bear, takes aim and empties the whole clip. The smoke clears, and the bear is gone again. Then there's a tap on the shoulder…

"Okay, twice is too much. You missed again, so I'm REALLY going to eat you now."

Once again, the man begs and pleads and, after some thought, the bear relinquishes - except that this time the man has to let the bear take him roughly up the arse.

Back to the shop and this time he walks out with the biggest thing they've got - an ex-Soviet Army rocket launcher. He returns to the forest, spots the bear, fires up the scope and fires. There's a huge explosion and, when the smoke clears, no bear - just a smoking crater. Grinning with satisfaction, he starts to lower the weapon…

…and then there's a tap on the shoulder.

With one hand on his hip, the bear ***** his head and says, "You're not really here for the hunting, are you?"

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So, a man goes to a super market and goes to aisle 12 to ask for a box of condoms.

The lady asks "what size" to which the man replies "I don't know" so the lady asks him to pull down his pants.

The lady reaches down, tugs a few times, and says

"you need a box of x-large condoms".

So then, the man behind him..can't believe what he has seen..asks for a box of condom's, and the lady says "what size" and the man says "I don't know"

So the lady asks him to pull down his pants.

The lady reaches down, tugs a few times and says

"get a box of medium condoms"

A teenager in the next aisle had heard this, can't believe it, and wants some of the action

So he goes to aisle 12 and asks "can I have a box of condoms"

The lady asks "what size" and the teenage says "I don't know"

So the lady asks him to pull down his pants .

When he does, she reaches down, tugs a few times, and announces over the intercom

"Clean up in aisle 12"

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  • 3 weeks later...

By Doctors Orders!

Once upon a time, a woman complained to her doctor that she and her

husband never had sex anymore. So the doctor gave her a bottle of

pills and told her to put them in his drink and she would be

'satisfied.'

The woman, somewhat disbelievingly, put one pill in his coffee that

evening. That night they made out.

The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night they

really got it on.

The next day, she said, "What the hell," and put the entire bottle in.

A few days later, the doctor called to check on her progress. The

woman's son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how she was

doing, the son replied, "Mom's dead; Sis is pregnant; my a**hole

hurts, and Dad is out naked on the front lawn yelling 'Here kitty,

kitty.'"

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The virgin Mary claims she gave birth to Jesus without ever having any sexual intercourse....

'Rohypnol' - Confusing women for the last 2000 years.

My wife nearly walked in on me playing World of Warcraft last night.

Luckily I managed to get my cock out and pretend I was having a wank.

There was a girl at my old school who used to flash her knickers for a fiver and take them off for a tenner.

When I think back on it now it was disgraceful really, the way I used to spend all my teaching salary on her.

:twisted:

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yoga-instructor-yoga-fingers-demotivational-poster-1263404459.jpg

Hmmm I would think that is awesome as a job!

But what did those poor girls say to get that attention......"yes, you can help me by touching me there. Don't forget to strategically place your fingers on my tw@t!" :shock:

Nonetheless I'll be sending my application for TF Yoga Instructor through shortly! :)

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