Stramash Posted January 25, 2010 Report Share Posted January 25, 2010 A student of criminal psychology decides to do his thesis on people who sexually abuse animals, and in particular, men who shag sheep. He takes a flight to Australia, and meets a sheep farmer and, amongst other things, asks him how he actually has sex with the sheep."Well its quite simple, cobber - you grab the bastard by the tail, hold tight and slip your cock in." The student later travels to New Zealand and asks a farmer there the same question. "Ah, we're with the Aussie jokers on that one - grab it by the tail, hold on and f*ck it from behind." Finally, the student goes to Wales and asks a farmer there how he does it. "Well it's bloody awkward, see - first you find your sheep, then you finds a stone wall, then you grabs the sheep by the front paws, bend its back over the wall and fucks it like that." The Student replies "Why don't you f*ck it from behind like they do in Australia and New Zealand?" "f*ck it from behind? How am I supposed to kiss it?" A lady who lived on a hill Used dynamite sticks for a thrill They found her vagina In North Carolina And bits of her **** in Brazil This is a letter sent to Dear Deirdre of the Sun newspaper; I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton is married to a guy from Liverpool. My mother and father have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters who are prostitutes. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for the rape and murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other is currently being held in Wandsworth on charges of incest on his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who is still a part time 'working girl' in a brothel, however her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancé utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as a manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets, and hopefully the heroin. My problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family, and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a scouser? You are the only member on TF which don't need to acknowledge the sources, isnt it? em, since when does anyone reference the source of jokes? News articles, quotes and song lyrics are waaaaaay different as they will have a specific source, while jokes, unless by famous comedians, are never referenced. Who made this new rule, not to acknowledge the source from where the text of anything got copied??? :roll: Not a rule, just common practice. You quote from a song, an author, a poet or a publication, then it is normal practice to reference the source. Someone down the pub tells you a joke, then you don't stick it on a website with 'Big Alf, 2010' beside it. And to think I credited you with a modicum of intelligence...sigh. :roll: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
olympos Posted January 25, 2010 Report Share Posted January 25, 2010 A student of criminal psychology decides to do his thesis on people who sexually abuse animals, and in particular, men who shag sheep. He takes a flight to Australia, and meets a sheep farmer and, amongst other things, asks him how he actually has sex with the sheep."Well its quite simple, cobber - you grab the bastard by the tail, hold tight and slip your cock in." The student later travels to New Zealand and asks a farmer there the same question. "Ah, we're with the Aussie jokers on that one - grab it by the tail, hold on and f*ck it from behind." Finally, the student goes to Wales and asks a farmer there how he does it. "Well it's bloody awkward, see - first you find your sheep, then you finds a stone wall, then you grabs the sheep by the front paws, bend its back over the wall and fucks it like that." The Student replies "Why don't you f*ck it from behind like they do in Australia and New Zealand?" "f*ck it from behind? How am I supposed to kiss it?" A lady who lived on a hill Used dynamite sticks for a thrill They found her vagina In North Carolina And bits of her **** in Brazil This is a letter sent to Dear Deirdre of the Sun newspaper; I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton is married to a guy from Liverpool. My mother and father have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters who are prostitutes. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for the rape and murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other is currently being held in Wandsworth on charges of incest on his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who is still a part time 'working girl' in a brothel, however her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancé utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as a manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets, and hopefully the heroin. My problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family, and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a scouser? You are the only member on TF which don't need to acknowledge the sources, isnt it? em, since when does anyone reference the source of jokes? News articles, quotes and song lyrics are waaaaaay different as they will have a specific source, while jokes, unless by famous comedians, are never referenced. Who made this new rule, not to acknowledge the source from where the text of anything got copied??? :roll: Not a rule, just common practice. You quote from a song, an author, a poet or a publication, then it is normal practice to reference the source. Someone down the pub tells you a joke, then you don't stick it on a website with 'Big Alf, 2010' beside it. And to think I credited you with a modicum of intelligence...sigh. :roll: Your pseudo intelligence and so called "common practice" does not count any and i am sorry we are NOT down the pub :roll: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted January 25, 2010 Report Share Posted January 25, 2010 A student of criminal psychology decides to do his thesis on people who sexually abuse animals, and in particular, men who shag sheep. He takes a flight to Australia, and meets a sheep farmer and, amongst other things, asks him how he actually has sex with the sheep."Well its quite simple, cobber - you grab the bastard by the tail, hold tight and slip your cock in." The student later travels to New Zealand and asks a farmer there the same question. "Ah, we're with the Aussie jokers on that one - grab it by the tail, hold on and f*ck it from behind." Finally, the student goes to Wales and asks a farmer there how he does it. "Well it's bloody awkward, see - first you find your sheep, then you finds a stone wall, then you grabs the sheep by the front paws, bend its back over the wall and fucks it like that." The Student replies "Why don't you f*ck it from behind like they do in Australia and New Zealand?" "f*ck it from behind? How am I supposed to kiss it?" A lady who lived on a hill Used dynamite sticks for a thrill They found her vagina In North Carolina And bits of her **** in Brazil This is a letter sent to Dear Deirdre of the Sun newspaper; I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton is married to a guy from Liverpool. My mother and father have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters who are prostitutes. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for the rape and murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other is currently being held in Wandsworth on charges of incest on his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who is still a part time 'working girl' in a brothel, however her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancé utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as a manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets, and hopefully the heroin. My problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family, and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a scouser? You are the only member on TF which don't need to acknowledge the sources, isnt it? em, since when does anyone reference the source of jokes? News articles, quotes and song lyrics are waaaaaay different as they will have a specific source, while jokes, unless by famous comedians, are never referenced. Who made this new rule, not to acknowledge the source from where the text of anything got copied??? :roll: Not a rule, just common practice. You quote from a song, an author, a poet or a publication, then it is normal practice to reference the source. Someone down the pub tells you a joke, then you don't stick it on a website with 'Big Alf, 2010' beside it. And to think I credited you with a modicum of intelligence...sigh. :roll: Your pseudo intelligence and so called "common practice" does not count any and i am sorry we are NOT down the pub :roll: **sigh** If you had understood the statement at all, you may have realised that at no point did I intimate that we were down the pub; I actually stated that it is not common practice to reference the source of jokes unless they come from a famous comedian such as Bill Hicks or Robin Williams, and that should you hear a joke in the pub or read it on another site where it has been posted by an everyday member of the public, then there is no real moral obligation to credit the original source. Whereas, trying to pass the intellectual property of an author, musician, politician etc is a whole different ball game. And au contraire, Inspector Clouseau, I think you will find that what I state as 'common practice' is indeed just that. Browse the journals and threads; jokes go uncredited (except again where the comedian is noteworthy and/or famous) but excerpts from songs, publications etc etc, do not. :roll: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
olympos Posted January 25, 2010 Report Share Posted January 25, 2010 A student of criminal psychology decides to do his thesis on people who sexually abuse animals, and in particular, men who shag sheep. He takes a flight to Australia, and meets a sheep farmer and, amongst other things, asks him how he actually has sex with the sheep."Well its quite simple, cobber - you grab the bastard by the tail, hold tight and slip your cock in." The student later travels to New Zealand and asks a farmer there the same question. "Ah, we're with the Aussie jokers on that one - grab it by the tail, hold on and f*ck it from behind." Finally, the student goes to Wales and asks a farmer there how he does it. "Well it's bloody awkward, see - first you find your sheep, then you finds a stone wall, then you grabs the sheep by the front paws, bend its back over the wall and fucks it like that." The Student replies "Why don't you f*ck it from behind like they do in Australia and New Zealand?" "f*ck it from behind? How am I supposed to kiss it?" A lady who lived on a hill Used dynamite sticks for a thrill They found her vagina In North Carolina And bits of her **** in Brazil This is a letter sent to Dear Deirdre of the Sun newspaper; I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton is married to a guy from Liverpool. My mother and father have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters who are prostitutes. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for the rape and murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other is currently being held in Wandsworth on charges of incest on his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who is still a part time 'working girl' in a brothel, however her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancé utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as a manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets, and hopefully the heroin. My problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family, and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a scouser? You are the only member on TF which don't need to acknowledge the sources, isnt it? em, since when does anyone reference the source of jokes? News articles, quotes and song lyrics are waaaaaay different as they will have a specific source, while jokes, unless by famous comedians, are never referenced. Who made this new rule, not to acknowledge the source from where the text of anything got copied??? :roll: Not a rule, just common practice. You quote from a song, an author, a poet or a publication, then it is normal practice to reference the source. Someone down the pub tells you a joke, then you don't stick it on a website with 'Big Alf, 2010' beside it. And to think I credited you with a modicum of intelligence...sigh. :roll: Your pseudo intelligence and so called "common practice" does not count any and i am sorry we are NOT down the pub :roll: **sigh** If you had understood the statement at all, you may have realised that at no point did I intimate that we were down the pub; I actually stated that it is not common practice to reference the source of jokes unless they come from a famous comedian such as Bill Hicks or Robin Williams, and that should you hear a joke in the pub or read it on another site where it has been posted by an everyday member of the public, then there is no real moral obligation to credit the original source. Whereas, trying to pass the intellectual property of an author, musician, politician etc is a whole different ball game. And au contraire, Inspector Clouseau, I think you will find that what I state as 'common practice' is indeed just that. Browse the journals and threads; jokes go uncredited (except again where the comedian is noteworthy and/or famous) but excerpts from songs, publications etc etc, do not. :roll: However, the sooner you apologize for your mistake, the more likely it will be viewed by everyone here :wink: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted January 25, 2010 Report Share Posted January 25, 2010 A student of criminal psychology decides to do his thesis on people who sexually abuse animals, and in particular, men who shag sheep. He takes a flight to Australia, and meets a sheep farmer and, amongst other things, asks him how he actually has sex with the sheep."Well its quite simple, cobber - you grab the bastard by the tail, hold tight and slip your cock in." The student later travels to New Zealand and asks a farmer there the same question. "Ah, we're with the Aussie jokers on that one - grab it by the tail, hold on and f*ck it from behind." Finally, the student goes to Wales and asks a farmer there how he does it. "Well it's bloody awkward, see - first you find your sheep, then you finds a stone wall, then you grabs the sheep by the front paws, bend its back over the wall and fucks it like that." The Student replies "Why don't you f*ck it from behind like they do in Australia and New Zealand?" "f*ck it from behind? How am I supposed to kiss it?" A lady who lived on a hill Used dynamite sticks for a thrill They found her vagina In North Carolina And bits of her **** in Brazil This is a letter sent to Dear Deirdre of the Sun newspaper; I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton is married to a guy from Liverpool. My mother and father have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters who are prostitutes. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for the rape and murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other is currently being held in Wandsworth on charges of incest on his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who is still a part time 'working girl' in a brothel, however her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancé utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as a manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets, and hopefully the heroin. My problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family, and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a scouser? You are the only member on TF which don't need to acknowledge the sources, isnt it? em, since when does anyone reference the source of jokes? News articles, quotes and song lyrics are waaaaaay different as they will have a specific source, while jokes, unless by famous comedians, are never referenced. Who made this new rule, not to acknowledge the source from where the text of anything got copied??? :roll: Not a rule, just common practice. You quote from a song, an author, a poet or a publication, then it is normal practice to reference the source. Someone down the pub tells you a joke, then you don't stick it on a website with 'Big Alf, 2010' beside it. And to think I credited you with a modicum of intelligence...sigh. :roll: Your pseudo intelligence and so called "common practice" does not count any and i am sorry we are NOT down the pub :roll: **sigh** If you had understood the statement at all, you may have realised that at no point did I intimate that we were down the pub; I actually stated that it is not common practice to reference the source of jokes unless they come from a famous comedian such as Bill Hicks or Robin Williams, and that should you hear a joke in the pub or read it on another site where it has been posted by an everyday member of the public, then there is no real moral obligation to credit the original source. Whereas, trying to pass the intellectual property of an author, musician, politician etc is a whole different ball game. And au contraire, Inspector Clouseau, I think you will find that what I state as 'common practice' is indeed just that. Browse the journals and threads; jokes go uncredited (except again where the comedian is noteworthy and/or famous) but excerpts from songs, publications etc etc, do not. :roll: However, the sooner you apologize for your mistake, the more likely it will be viewed by everyone here :wink: :? :? :? :? :? :? :? :? :? My only mistake has been in maintaining a level of optimism that you might actually be worth debating with... For that I wholeheartedly apologise. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
olympos Posted January 25, 2010 Report Share Posted January 25, 2010 A student of criminal psychology decides to do his thesis on people who sexually abuse animals, and in particular, men who shag sheep. He takes a flight to Australia, and meets a sheep farmer and, amongst other things, asks him how he actually has sex with the sheep."Well its quite simple, cobber - you grab the bastard by the tail, hold tight and slip your cock in." The student later travels to New Zealand and asks a farmer there the same question. "Ah, we're with the Aussie jokers on that one - grab it by the tail, hold on and f*ck it from behind." Finally, the student goes to Wales and asks a farmer there how he does it. "Well it's bloody awkward, see - first you find your sheep, then you finds a stone wall, then you grabs the sheep by the front paws, bend its back over the wall and fucks it like that." The Student replies "Why don't you f*ck it from behind like they do in Australia and New Zealand?" "f*ck it from behind? How am I supposed to kiss it?" A lady who lived on a hill Used dynamite sticks for a thrill They found her vagina In North Carolina And bits of her **** in Brazil This is a letter sent to Dear Deirdre of the Sun newspaper; I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton is married to a guy from Liverpool. My mother and father have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters who are prostitutes. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for the rape and murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other is currently being held in Wandsworth on charges of incest on his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who is still a part time 'working girl' in a brothel, however her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancé utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as a manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets, and hopefully the heroin. My problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family, and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a scouser? You are the only member on TF which don't need to acknowledge the sources, isnt it? em, since when does anyone reference the source of jokes? News articles, quotes and song lyrics are waaaaaay different as they will have a specific source, while jokes, unless by famous comedians, are never referenced. Who made this new rule, not to acknowledge the source from where the text of anything got copied??? :roll: Not a rule, just common practice. You quote from a song, an author, a poet or a publication, then it is normal practice to reference the source. Someone down the pub tells you a joke, then you don't stick it on a website with 'Big Alf, 2010' beside it. And to think I credited you with a modicum of intelligence...sigh. :roll: Your pseudo intelligence and so called "common practice" does not count any and i am sorry we are NOT down the pub :roll: **sigh** If you had understood the statement at all, you may have realised that at no point did I intimate that we were down the pub; I actually stated that it is not common practice to reference the source of jokes unless they come from a famous comedian such as Bill Hicks or Robin Williams, and that should you hear a joke in the pub or read it on another site where it has been posted by an everyday member of the public, then there is no real moral obligation to credit the original source. Whereas, trying to pass the intellectual property of an author, musician, politician etc is a whole different ball game. And au contraire, Inspector Clouseau, I think you will find that what I state as 'common practice' is indeed just that. Browse the journals and threads; jokes go uncredited (except again where the comedian is noteworthy and/or famous) but excerpts from songs, publications etc etc, do not. :roll: However, the sooner you apologize for your mistake, the more likely it will be viewed by everyone here :wink: :? :? :? :? :? :? :? :? :? My only mistake has been in maintaining a level of optimism that you might actually be worth debating with... For that I wholeheartedly apologise. Accordingly to Yoma's birthday: You are a Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
English_Bob Posted January 26, 2010 Report Share Posted January 26, 2010 Welcome back Iain. Love the Scouser joke.... (Who did you nick that from?) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted January 26, 2010 Report Share Posted January 26, 2010 Welcome back Iain.Love the Scouser joke.... (Who did you nick that from?) have seen the Scouser one on a few sites, which makes the Turkish waiter's demands that I reference every joke rather difficult... What's the smartest thing to have come out of a woman's mouth? Einstein's cock. (credit to big Dave @ The Halt Bar, 24/1/2010) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
English_Bob Posted January 26, 2010 Report Share Posted January 26, 2010 What's the smartest thing to have come out of a woman's mouth? Einstein's cock. Thanks - I was reading that in a public toilet. I snorted really loudly. Fortunately it sounded like a big fart, so that was ok. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iBatch Posted January 27, 2010 Report Share Posted January 27, 2010 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paulgh3rd Posted January 27, 2010 Report Share Posted January 27, 2010 Oh and now a dirty one.My wife was in labour giving birth to our first child. I tried to hold her hand, but she said, "Don't touch me! It's your fault I'm in so much pain, right now!" I just smiled and said, "If you remember, Darling. I wanted to stick it in your a*s, but you said it would hurt too much!" OMGGGG that is soo funny! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iBatch Posted January 27, 2010 Report Share Posted January 27, 2010 Oh and now a dirty one.My wife was in labour giving birth to our first child. I tried to hold her hand, but she said, "Don't touch me! It's your fault I'm in so much pain, right now!" I just smiled and said, "If you remember, Darling. I wanted to stick it in your a*s, but you said it would hurt too much!" OMGGGG that is soo funny! Paul, either ya live in a cave or just woke up from a coma ... Thats just an old news. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted January 30, 2010 Report Share Posted January 30, 2010 Little boy disturbs his parents having sex, mum was on top, the boy asks what are you doing. mum says dad has a big belly so i get on top of it and help flatten it, little boy replies your wasting your time because when you go out shopping the lady next door gets down on her knees and blows it back up again. (Shuggy, The Halt Bar, 2010) My local pub has recently undergone a make-over to attract a younger crowd, they've done it all out in black and are targetting the emo/goth kids in the area. It's now called The Self Arms. (Tam, The Living Room, 2010) I'm building an extension on to my house, exclusively for holding bukkake parties. If I build it, they will come. (Dylin, his house, 2010) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CiaranM Posted January 31, 2010 Report Share Posted January 31, 2010 Oh and now a dirty one.My wife was in labour giving birth to our first child. I tried to hold her hand, but she said, "Don't touch me! It's your fault I'm in so much pain, right now!" I just smiled and said, "If you remember, Darling. I wanted to stick it in your a*s, but you said it would hurt too much!" OMGGGG that is soo funny! Paul, either ya live in a cave or just woke up from a coma ... Thats just an old news. he's not called Paul the Turd because of his unbelievably high IQ !!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chang Doe Posted February 15, 2010 Report Share Posted February 15, 2010 The Pope and Tiger Woods died on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to hell and Tiger Woods went to heaven.The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in hell, and after checking the paperwork clerk admits that there is an error. "However", he explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified". Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell. On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from heaven and they stop to have a chat. "Sorry about the mix up", apologies the Pope. "No problem" replied Tiger Woods. Pope: "I am really anxious to get to heaven"..... Tiger: "Why is that?" Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary". Tiger: "Uh, u're a day late" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admin_2 Posted February 18, 2010 Report Share Posted February 18, 2010 Sure, there are some pretty stupid criminals out there. Yet this excerpt from a Washington Post article proves that not all criminals are dumb – in fact, some are so clever that the Post labeled this article, "The Best Comeback Line Ever" In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, Picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's... just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Darn...is it midnight already?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admin_2 Posted February 18, 2010 Report Share Posted February 18, 2010 One weekend a lawyer from New York decided to go bird hunting in Vermont. The lawyer drove to Vermont and found a good hunting spot near a farm. The lawyer sees a bird, shoots it and watches fall to the ground on the other side of the barns fence. The lawyer, thinking to himself that's my bird I have to go get it, climbs the fence retrieves the bird and climbs back. Just as he gets back over the farmer comes up to him and says, "give me my bird." The lawyer says to him " your bird no no no I shot this bird it is mine." "No" says the farmer,"it landed on my property it is mine." "Look" says the lawyer, "I am a lawyer, I will sue you , you will lose and I will get the duck." "No" says the farmer, "that's not how we do it here in Vermont, we use the three kick rule." "Ok" says the lawyer, how does that work?" "I kick you three times as hard as I can, than you kick me as hard as you an three time and we keep going until one of us gives up." "Fine" says the lawyer, "let's go." "I'll go first" says the famer. So the famer kicks layer as hard as he can in the groin. And just as lawyer is bent over in pain the famer kicks him right in the face. now just as the lawyer is thinking what did IU get myself into the farmer kicks him in the stomach. after the lawyer gets over the agonizing pain he says ok now it's my turn. No the farmer says, "I quit you can have the duck." ******************************** Smart Student The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family. A 'smart' student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look. "Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iBatch Posted March 3, 2010 Report Share Posted March 3, 2010 EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS 1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . ..' My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one. Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco 2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,'. . .replied the patient. Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA 3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.' Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg 4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.. ' Which one ?'. . . I asked. 'The patch...The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it !' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA 5.. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered . . . ' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.' Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR 6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?' ' It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. . . Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.' Submitted by Dr.. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, 7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.' Submitted by RN no name AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . 8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.... To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . . ' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . . ' No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . . ' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.' ' Dr. wouldn't submit his name.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Geee Posted March 3, 2010 Report Share Posted March 3, 2010 5555555555555 those are really good ones : thanks Kunny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CaptainSW Posted March 3, 2010 Report Share Posted March 3, 2010 Farm Boy A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. 'Not yet,' said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. 'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks. 'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk.' Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, 'Are you going to tell him, or should I?' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iBatch Posted March 3, 2010 Report Share Posted March 3, 2010 Farm BoyA little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. 'Not yet,' said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. 'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks. 'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk.' Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, 'Are you going to tell him, or should I?' ya so 2008 captainhoe... bring us lil more extremely drool. (but make sure No hoe, ass, ****, lube and whips... EB is lil old fashioned ya know) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CaptainSW Posted March 3, 2010 Report Share Posted March 3, 2010 Manners in Bed The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table!" Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile. "Yes," replied the girl, "much better." "Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the *****." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iBatch Posted March 3, 2010 Report Share Posted March 3, 2010 Manners in BedThe nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table!" Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile. "Yes," replied the girl, "much better." "Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the p*ssy." Again so so earlier of 2008. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iBatch Posted March 3, 2010 Report Share Posted March 3, 2010 How are women and tornadoes alike? They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
English_Bob Posted March 3, 2010 Report Share Posted March 3, 2010 (but make sure No hoe, a*s, ****, lube and whips... EB is lil old fashioned ya know) A recent study at the University of Missouri Medical School shows that the type of men's facial features that a woman finds attractive can differ, depending upon where she is in her menstural cycle. For example: Most of the month a woman is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with smooth, clean-shaven features. During her period or if she is menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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