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Dirty jokes


amarone
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Maybe this has been done before but lets share some dirty jokes.

Superman is out flying around and being a bit bored.

With his superyeys he spots superwoman in her bedroom naked and with her lags wide apart.

He gets extremely horny and figures that since he is superman he can fly in there and f*ck her with superspeed so fast she wont even see him.

He aims for the bedroom and fly in there and do her so fast nobody can see him.

Superwoman screams:what the hell was that

The invisible man say I dont have a clue but suddenly my ass burns as hell.

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I Demand Proper Manners in Bed

The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances

on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely.

"I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the

dinner table!"

Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and

climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a

hint of a smile.

"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."

"Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind

as to please pass the p*ssy."

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Not dirty, but this is funny.:wink:

A little boy goes up to the counter in a drugstore and asks the clerk for a box of Tampax.

The clerk puts them into a paper bag and says to the boy.

'Are these for your mommy?'

'No,' says the boy.

'Well, then,' says the clerk, 'are they for your sister?'

'Uh-uh,' says the boy.

'Well, then,' says the clerk,

'Who are they for?'

'They're for me.' says the boy.

'For you?' says the surprised clerk.

'What are you going to do with them?'

'I don't know yet.' says the boy.

'All I know is that I keep seeing on TV that if you buy these, you can go horseback riding, swimming, camping....'

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Not dirty, but this is funny.:wink:

A little boy goes up to the counter in a drugstore and asks the clerk for a box of Tampax.

The clerk puts them into a paper bag and says to the boy.

'Are these for your mommy?'

'No,' says the boy.

'Well, then,' says the clerk, 'are they for your sister?'

'Uh-uh,' says the boy.

'Well, then,' says the clerk,

'Who are they for?'

'They're for me.' says the boy.

'For you?' says the surprised clerk.

'What are you going to do with them?'

'I don't know yet.' says the boy.

'All I know is that I keep seeing on TV that if you buy these, you can go horseback riding, swimming, camping....'[/quote

Too lame :P

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Your mum begged me to give her 12 inches and make her bleed the other day.............. So I f*cked her twice (2 times 6 inches) and punched her in the fooking mouth!

:roll: Not funny!!! Not funny at all!!!!

Did anyone laugh?

Next!!!

OK, Ready??

I had a wet dream about you last night. I pissed myself laughing as I fell out of bed

***********

Edited by pandorea

***********

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Your mum begged me to give her 12 inches and make her bleed the other day.............. So I f*cked her twice (2 times 6 inches) and punched her in the fooking mouth!

:roll: Not funny!!! Not funny at all!!!!

Did anyone laugh?

Next!!!

OK, Ready??

I had a wet dream about you last night. I pissed myself laughing as I fell out of bed

***********

Edited by pandorea

***********

and in the red corner....

popcorn.jpg

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A little old lady goes into a sex shop, shaking like she has Parkinson's walks up to the counter and says to the assistant,

"Young maaaan, have you got a viiiibraaaatoor?"

He's a bit taken aback and not sure if her heard her correctly because of her shaky voice, but he picks out a modest-sized model and places it on the counter.

"Nooooo, nooooo, bigger than thaaat"

So he brings her the next size up.

"Noooooo, noooo, bigger than thaaaat"

This happens a few times until finally he places the biggest vibrator in the entire shop on the counter. It's eighteen inches long with a girth that would make even Jenna Jameson's eyes water.

"Yeeeees, yeeeees, thaaaat's the one. Hoooow do you tuuuurn it off?"

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Your mum begged me to give her 12 inches and make her bleed the other day.............. So I f*cked her twice (2 times 6 inches) and punched her in the fooking mouth!

:roll: Not funny!!! Not funny at all!!!!

Did anyone laugh?

Next!!!

OK, Ready??

I had a wet dream about you last night. I pissed myself laughing as I fell out of bed

***********

Edited by pandorea

***********

Didn't want to a prude or ruin your fun but please keep it in good taste and not something that can be seen or taken as offensive to others.

Too much to ask?

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A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, “What are these things daddy?” His dad said, “Condoms son.” The boy asked, “Why do they come in packs of 1, 3 and 12?”

The dad replied, “The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night. The ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday. And the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March…”

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Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can’t see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

“Honey…” she signs, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.” The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis… fifty times.”

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Some people think that being a hostage is difficult.... not me - I could do it with my hands tied behind my back!

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I was wondering the other day, why a frisbee gets bigger while flying.... then it hit me.

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My neighbour is in the Guiness book of records for the person having the most concussions - 47 last month!

He lives quite close to me... just a stone's throw.

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When it comes to plastic surgery, a lot of people turn their noses up.

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It's easy to distract fat people... in fact, it's a piece of cake.

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Rodney Rude at his very best

>Politically incorrect!!!!

A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got 30

> seconds to get out!'

> The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts...................... 'you c#*t!'

> -------------------------------------------------------------------

>

> Why are women like clouds?

> Eventually they f#*k off and its a really nice day.

>

> ---------------------------------- --------------------------------

>

> What's the difference between light and hard?

> You can sleep with a light on.

>

> -------------------------------------------------------------------

>

> A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a Kit Kat

> Chunky?'

> The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to

> him.

> 'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat b!+ch.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------

> My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood

> rings so she could monitor my mood.

> We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am

> in a bad mood, it leaves a big f#*king big red mark on her forehead.

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I was at an ATM when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance.

So I pushed her over...........................................................

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Zebu, a half blind five year old south African orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no

brakes.

Give just small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you the video, it's f#*king hilarious....

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I had a dog named Minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks.

Bad Minton.

------------------ ----------------------------------------------------

Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'.

The reply from his friend......'You're so f#*king lucky...Mine's still

alive...'

>

> -----------------------------------------------------------------------

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; 'F#*k off,.................................you won't bring it back.'

----------------------------------------------------------------------

2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10 minutes.

'Geeeeez mate , that was impressive!'

'I get lots of practice' Replied the other guy.................. 'My wife's an epileptic'

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