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Hitchhiker: You heard of this thing, the 8-Minute Abs?

Ted: Yeah, sure, 8-Minute Abs. Yeah, the excercise video.

Hitchhiker: Yeah, this is going to blow that right out of the water. Listen to this: 7... Minute... Abs.

Ted: Right. Yes. OK, all right. I see where you're going.

Hitchhiker: Think about it. You walk into a video store, you see 8-Minute Abs sittin' there, there's 7-Minute Abs right beside it. Which one are you gonna pick, man?

Ted: I would go for the 7.

Hitchhiker: Bingo, man, bingo. 7-Minute Abs. And we guarantee just as good a workout as the 8-minute folk.

Ted: You guarantee it? That's - how do you do that?

Hitchhiker: If you're not happy with the first 7 minutes, we're gonna send you the extra minute free. You see? That's it. That's our motto. That's where we're comin' from. That's from "A" to "B".

Ted: That's right. That's - that's good. That's good. Unless, of course, somebody comes up with 6-Minute Abs. Then you're in trouble, huh?

[Hitchhiker convulses]

Hitchhiker: No! No, no, not 6! I said 7. Nobody's comin' up with 6. Who works out in 6 minutes? You won't even get your heart goin, not even a mouse on a wheel.

Ted: That - good point.

Hitchhiker: 7's the key number here. Think about it. 7-Elevens. 7 dwarves. 7, man, that's the number. 7 chipmunks twirlin' on a branch, eatin' lots of sunflowers on my uncle's ranch. You know that old children's tale from the sea. It's like you're dreamin' about Gorgonzola cheese when it's clearly Brie time, baby. Step into my office.

Ted: Why?

Hitchhiker: 'Cause you're f*ckin' fired!

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"My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty."

Woody Allen

"I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'. For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds."

Joan Rivers

"I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls."

Groucho Marx

"It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury. Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other half are doing it."

Winston Churchill

"My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often."

Emo Philips.


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If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Never test the depth of water with both feet.

Some days you are the dog. Some days you are the tree.

Good judgement comes from bad experience...and most of that comes from bad judgement.

There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

Never, under any circumstances take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on the same night.

Experience is something we don't get until just after we need it.

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Guest Lollipop

- Dogs never bite me. Just humans.

- Jealousy is a disease. Get well soon.

- Haters only hate the things that they cant get and the people they cant


- I don't give any reason for anyone to hate me. They create their own little drama out of pure jealousy.

- When people you don't even know hate you that's when you know you're the best.

- Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

- Who are you to judge the life i live? I know I'm not perfect and i don't live to be. But before you start pointing fingers make sure your hands are clean.

- No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

- You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself.

- Its better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone.

- You were born an original. Don't die a copy.

- People do not care how much you know until they know how much you care.

- The secret of life is not to do what you like but to like what you do.

- Wise men speak because they have something to say. Fools speak because they have to say something.

- The only man who never makes mistakes is the man who never does anything.

- Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Laugh when you can. Apologize when you should and let go of what you cant change. Love deeply and forgive quickly. Life is too short to be unhappy. Love what you got and always remember what you had. Always forgive but never forget.

Learn from your mistakes but never regret. People change and things go wrong but always remember life goes on.

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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

Have you ever noticed that their stuff is **** and your **** is stuff?

I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that **** out by myself in the third grade.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.

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The last time anybody made a list of the top hundred character attributes of New Yorkers, common sense snuck in at number 79.

He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it.

Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.

The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair.

Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind- bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist's, but that's just peanuts to space.

(all from the genius that was Douglas Adams)

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