kiddo Posted November 27, 2006 Report Share Posted November 27, 2006 The Act of Insertion If the man is ready (same vice-versa) 1/4 calories If the woman is not (same vice-versa) 274 calories Satisfying Partner (organ size) Most experts agree that size means nothing. Shape is what counts, and the man with a shaped organ can write his own ticket. In those rare instances where a man has a genuinely small member, he may have to compensate by working slightly harder, but this is good for weight loss. A man with a really large organ, while he might not have to work as hard once inside, may exhaust himself just trying to convince his partner to let him put it inside. Normal size 22 calories Oversize 15 calories Tremendous 8 calories Teensy-weensy 163 calories -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Positions Man on top, woman on bottom (facing each other) 20 calories Woman on top, man on bottom (Many women find that in addition to its inherent sexual possibilities, this position affords a better view of the clock.) 25 calories From the rear (Mysterious variation) 40 1/2 calories Standing: Both partners of equal height 18 calories Standing: Woman 1 foot taller than a man 90 calories While in traction (very useful during ski season) 124 calories -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Locations On a bar stool 20 calories Rear of a Honda Civic 38 calories In a phone booth, standing 14 calories In a phone booth, lying down 274 calories On an airliner, aisle seat 24 calories On an airliner, middle seat 42 calories On an airliner, window seat 30 calories On an airliner, in the lavatory 100 calories -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Possible Side Effects of Intercourse Bouncing 7 calories Sliding around 9 calories Serious Skidding 12 calories Full cartwheel 20 calories Whiplash 27 calories Knee burn 6 calories Chafed elbows 5 calories Chafed nose 11 calories -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sex Related Noises Short gasps (per gasp) 3 calories Wheezing 5 calories Squeals 4 calories Ecstatic moaning 11 calories Low growling 8 calories Squishing 10 calories Shouting 16 calories Screaming 18 calories Urgent begging 22 calories Any short speech giving partner directions ("Please don't stop," "Faster," "Just a little more" are common examples.) 25 calories -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Approaching Orgasm Letting go 5.5 calories Controlling yourself 79 calories Digging nails into your partner's back 11 calories Trembling 15 calories Shaking 20 calories Shuddering 25 calories Trying to keep eyes open 33 calories -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Orgasm Real 27 calories Faked 160 calories -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Orgasmic Intensity Scale Expression didn't change 1/2 calorie Face turned purple 15 calories Orchestra swelled 6 calories Magical explosions 10 calories Blazing Sheets 25 calories Earth moved 30 calories Vesuvius erupted 47 calories You began moaning in Latin 60 calories -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Pulling Out After orgasm 1/4 calorie A few moments before orgasm 500 calories -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Multiple Orgasms For women: 2 14 calories 5 30 calories 8 47 calories (Depending on greed her rate of recovery a woman can enjoy around 8 orgasms within an hour period without losing consciousness or disarranging her hair. As the number increases, however, she may begin to experience a form of "reduced sanity" that will temporarily interfere with her ability to cook, worship ,and ride a Moped.) For Men: 2 21 calories 3 39 calories 4 57 calories (For a man, its a different situation, perhaps due to physiological and biological reasons. Many men can enjoy up to 4 orgasms in an hour with little discomfort except for the slight ringing in the ears. With few exceptions, however, a man who tries to achieve more than 10 orgasms within that same period is flirting with irreversible brain damage.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Special Orgasms Clitoral. 15 calories Vaginal 21 calories Penile 21 calories Scrotile 15 calories Rectal 25 calories Oral (can also occur during an especially good meal) 30 calories -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Premature Ejaculation* During insertion 2 calories During intercourse (Approximately. 2 sec's or 3 thrusts after insertion, whichever comes first.) 5 calories During foreplay 3 calories Immature ejaculation (Similar to premature ejaculation except male acts childish and throws a tantrum.) 4 calories -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Consequences of Premature Ejaculation Even if you have a good heart, it takes much understanding not to feel like a victim when your partner climaxes after 3 sec's of intensive sex, especially if he immediately sits up to watch the football on tv. For Women Frustration 8 calories Anger 15 calories Violent mood swing 20 calories Surpressing rage 25 calories Not surpressing anger (In extreme cases, this can include cursing, nose tweaks, and gently massaging partner's head with a tire iron.) 65 calories For Men: Cursing 10 calories Apologising 3 calories Snivelling 5 calories Pleading for mercy 8 calories Begging for another chance (Note how unfair: Men never seem to mind if a woman has an orgasm after 3 seconds of sex.) 15 calories -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Possible Side Effects of Good Sex The first indication that sex was a positive experience will be a buzzing in the pelvic area and a clear complexion. You might also feel pleasantly light, as though you were dozing in a vat of cream cheese. If sex was really terrific, you feel dangerously drained, as though your body had been connected to a large milking machine for several days. Additional reactions include: Swooning 6 calories Palpitations 10 calories Shortness of breath 5 calories Perspiring 8 calories -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Possible Side Effects of Bad Sex A less-than-sunny desposition 1 calorie -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Recovering Un-entwining 3 calories Regaining motor control of pevis (After especially tiring sex, you may feel numb from below the waist to the opposite wall. The result will be an inability to walk [put one foot in front of the other], which will seriously impair your chances of going to the bathroom or getting some juice.) 7 calories Standing up 9 calories Getting some juice 11 calories -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Rolling Over and Going to Sleep After intercourse (Classic behavior for shiftiness men who believe they've done their job and are now entilted to a rest. This "rest" may include snoring.) 18 calories During intercourse (Women find this to be a subtle, yet direct way of suggesting dissatisfaction.) 32 calories During foreplay (Indicates either an advance case of fatigue or a serious lack of interest.) 12 calories Avoiding the wet spot 80 calories -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Trying Again If the woman is ready 5 calories If the man is not 156 calories -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dreaming Regular dream 2 calories Wet Dream Add 5 calories if it occurs while in bed with your partner; Add 20 calories if your partner notices 16 calories Wet Trance (Usually occurs in the presence of a sensual hypnotist.) 20 calories -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Group Sex Introducing yourself 3 calories Overcoming shyness 8 calories Swapping partners, willingly 4 calories Swapping partners, unwillingly 62 calories Jealousy (Partner having more fun than you are) 16 calories Mixed doubles 26 calories Being nice to everyone 100 calories Anger (You suddenly realize that you're wanted for you body and not your mind. Difficult to cope with, especially if you have a Ph.D.) 10 calories Finding your clothes 5 calories -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Masturbation For pleasure only 6 calories For exercise, too 10 calories For relief from tension 12 calories To pass the time 7 calories To avoid overeating 16 calories To get in touch with inner self 10 calories To get in touch with outter self 10.5 calories To avoid insanity 24 calories To avoid spending money on a date (In addition to being a viable alternative to television, shopping, and binges, masturbation is a quick and inexpensive way to get warm.) 9 calories Using your hand(s) 11 calories Using your finger(s) 9 calories Using tweezers 2 calories Using an inflatable doll 24 calories Using Any fruit or vegetable (Except watermelon or a sprig of parsley) 19 calories Using a vibrator, hand-operated 12 calories Using a vibrator, windup 9 calories Using a vibrator, electric 5 calories Using anything not mentioned here 50 calories In a pornographic movie theater - purchasing the ticket 2.5 calories In a pornographic movie theater - finding isolated seat 78 calories In a pornographic movie theater - adjusting raincoat 3 calories -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Typical Sex-Related Fears Partner hates me for what I did 4 calories Partner hates me for what I didn't do 8 calories Forgetting the instructions in the sex manual 10 calories Climaxing too soon 5 calories Climaxing too late 6 calories Not climaxing 20 calories Partner thinks of me as a sex object 9 calories Partner doesn't think of me as a sex object 47 calories Partner will neglect to adminster last rites should I not recover from orgasm 88 calories -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Personal Fears Gigantic cellulite that shake and ripple during orgasm 6 calories Stretch marks that look like a plowed field 8 calories Penis envy 72 calories Body odor of a disgruntled yak 25 calories -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Getting Caught By partner's spouse 60 calories By your spouse 60.5 calories Trying to explain 165 calories Stuttering 28 calories Throwing up (Calorie counts here are flexible, depending on type of spouse-whether understanding and open-minded, or narrow-minded and armed) 40 calories -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Almost Getting Caught Trying to remain calm 100 calories Fright (includes trembling) 66 calories Leaping out of bed 25 calories Getting dressed in one large motion 300 calories Thanking partner quickly 2 calories Jumping out of window add 5 calories if window wasn't open 15 calories Landing 1 calorie Running very fast 50 calories Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aomazon Posted November 27, 2006 Report Share Posted November 27, 2006 i need a 20 digits calculator Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr_Sassy Posted November 27, 2006 Report Share Posted November 27, 2006 I'm getting chubby why? :roll: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aomazon Posted November 27, 2006 Report Share Posted November 27, 2006 I'm getting chubbywhy? :roll: how come ? Semen is just like Pepsi Max or diet coke oops, wrong forum, hahahahahahahhaha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hbkbkk Posted November 27, 2006 Report Share Posted November 27, 2006 and if we are to chew gum at the same time, we would burn another 20 calories. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CiaranM Posted November 27, 2006 Report Share Posted November 27, 2006 i need a 20 digits calculator i need a longer attention span !!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laragirl Posted November 27, 2006 Report Share Posted November 27, 2006 i've actually lost about 25 kilos since august. this is really a great workout... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laz Posted November 27, 2006 Report Share Posted November 27, 2006 no wonder Im still skinny.. after all these foods.. :oops: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BuckHumYai Posted November 27, 2006 Report Share Posted November 27, 2006 I was able to lose nearly 20kg with a vigorous sexual workout daily but,,, it depends a lot on what kind of sex you have too if you have tame, slowed-down meaningful sex, maybe it won't burn so many calories but if you are a screamin' demon and going balls to the wall, then surely it will use up more calories the best option IMHO is to just have LOTS of sex, so you're sure to burn up plenty of calories Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hbkbkk Posted November 27, 2006 Report Share Posted November 27, 2006 btw, us guys usually lose about 400 calories from 1 hours of begging for sex too... and another 1000 calories running away from her thai husband after sex.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babyoiy Posted December 2, 2006 Report Share Posted December 2, 2006 you know now why fake orgasm... 160 cal!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
venus Posted December 2, 2006 Report Share Posted December 2, 2006 this is one of the longest threads but worth posting :shock: yes. good read and good laugh Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Treborz Posted December 3, 2006 Report Share Posted December 3, 2006 it depends a lot on what kind of sex you have too] its ok wanking counts But remember Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr_Sassy Posted December 3, 2006 Report Share Posted December 3, 2006 if there was a forum "what made you laugh today", I would say this kitten killing stuff really made me laugh my axx off *think of the kittens* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
afook06 Posted December 3, 2006 Report Share Posted December 3, 2006 i always thought it was good exercise Eddie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
macca_tirana Posted December 3, 2006 Report Share Posted December 3, 2006 i always thought it was good exercise Eddie What???? Killing kittens Murderer Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
afook06 Posted December 4, 2006 Report Share Posted December 4, 2006 After 30 mins, Viagra doesn't count Eddie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CiaranM Posted December 4, 2006 Report Share Posted December 4, 2006 i always thought it was good exercise Eddie What???? Killing kittens Murderer i thought he was talking about wanking as he is obvioulsy a first class .... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikeAussieGuy Posted December 4, 2006 Report Share Posted December 4, 2006 http://www.c4vct.com/kym/humor/csex.htm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2508 Posted December 20, 2006 Report Share Posted December 20, 2006 How many time of sex to burn these fat! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XCHANELX Posted December 20, 2006 Report Share Posted December 20, 2006 How many time of sex to burn these fat! rotflmfao :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ngairo Posted December 20, 2006 Report Share Posted December 20, 2006 After 30 mins, Viagra doesn't count Eddie Your using the cheap stuff Eddie...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobRay Posted December 21, 2006 Report Share Posted December 21, 2006 Sexercise is such a fun way to lose those unwanted pounds,but you must be prepared to put in the time to see results.One or two hours a day,everyday(3-4 hours for advanced) and you will start to see the results in about 2 weeks.Please note lying back and thinking of England won't get you anywhere, thrusting will. Pelvic action is a must,don't be lazy,if you really want to lose weight the sweat should be pouring off you.Shower and repeat for best results.Good luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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