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Calorie burned during sex..

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The Act of Insertion

If the man is ready (same vice-versa) 1/4 calories

If the woman is not (same vice-versa) 274 calories

Satisfying Partner (organ size)

Most experts agree that size means nothing. Shape is what counts, and the man with a shaped organ can write his own ticket. In those rare instances where a man has a genuinely small member, he may have to compensate by working slightly harder, but this is good for weight loss. A man with a really large organ, while he might not have to work as hard once inside, may exhaust himself just trying to convince his partner to let him put it inside.

Normal size 22 calories

Oversize 15 calories

Tremendous 8 calories

Teensy-weensy 163 calories



Man on top, woman on bottom (facing each other) 20 calories

Woman on top, man on bottom

(Many women find that in addition to its inherent sexual possibilities, this position affords a better view of the clock.) 25 calories

From the rear (Mysterious variation) 40 1/2 calories

Standing: Both partners of equal height 18 calories

Standing: Woman 1 foot taller than a man 90 calories

While in traction

(very useful during ski season) 124 calories



On a bar stool 20 calories

Rear of a Honda Civic 38 calories

In a phone booth, standing 14 calories

In a phone booth, lying down 274 calories

On an airliner, aisle seat 24 calories

On an airliner, middle seat 42 calories

On an airliner, window seat 30 calories

On an airliner, in the lavatory 100 calories


Possible Side Effects of Intercourse

Bouncing 7 calories

Sliding around 9 calories

Serious Skidding 12 calories

Full cartwheel 20 calories

Whiplash 27 calories

Knee burn 6 calories

Chafed elbows 5 calories

Chafed nose 11 calories


Sex Related Noises

Short gasps (per gasp) 3 calories

Wheezing 5 calories

Squeals 4 calories

Ecstatic moaning 11 calories

Low growling 8 calories

Squishing 10 calories

Shouting 16 calories

Screaming 18 calories

Urgent begging 22 calories

Any short speech giving partner directions

("Please don't stop," "Faster," "Just a little more" are common examples.) 25 calories


Approaching Orgasm

Letting go 5.5 calories

Controlling yourself 79 calories

Digging nails into your partner's back 11 calories

Trembling 15 calories

Shaking 20 calories

Shuddering 25 calories

Trying to keep eyes open 33 calories



Real 27 calories

Faked 160 calories


Orgasmic Intensity Scale

Expression didn't change 1/2 calorie

Face turned purple 15 calories

Orchestra swelled 6 calories

Magical explosions 10 calories

Blazing Sheets 25 calories

Earth moved 30 calories

Vesuvius erupted 47 calories

You began moaning in Latin 60 calories


Pulling Out

After orgasm 1/4 calorie

A few moments before orgasm 500 calories


Multiple Orgasms

For women:

2 14 calories

5 30 calories

8 47 calories

(Depending on greed her rate of recovery a woman can enjoy around 8 orgasms within an hour period without losing consciousness or disarranging her hair. As the number increases, however, she may begin to experience a form of "reduced sanity" that will temporarily interfere with her ability to cook, worship ,and ride a Moped.)

For Men:

2 21 calories

3 39 calories

4 57 calories

(For a man, its a different situation, perhaps due to physiological and biological reasons. Many men can enjoy up to 4 orgasms in an hour with little discomfort except for the slight ringing in the ears. With few exceptions, however, a man who tries to achieve more than 10 orgasms within that same period is flirting with irreversible brain damage.)


Special Orgasms

Clitoral. 15 calories

Vaginal 21 calories

Penile 21 calories

Scrotile 15 calories

Rectal 25 calories


(can also occur during an especially good meal) 30 calories


Premature Ejaculation*

During insertion 2 calories

During intercourse

(Approximately. 2 sec's or 3 thrusts after insertion, whichever comes first.) 5 calories

During foreplay 3 calories

Immature ejaculation

(Similar to premature ejaculation except male acts childish and throws a tantrum.) 4 calories


Consequences of Premature Ejaculation

Even if you have a good heart, it takes much understanding not to feel like a victim when your partner climaxes after 3 sec's of intensive sex, especially if he immediately sits up to watch the football on tv.

For Women

Frustration 8 calories

Anger 15 calories

Violent mood swing 20 calories

Surpressing rage 25 calories

Not surpressing anger

(In extreme cases, this can include cursing, nose tweaks, and gently massaging partner's head with a tire iron.) 65 calories

For Men:

Cursing 10 calories

Apologising 3 calories

Snivelling 5 calories

Pleading for mercy 8 calories

Begging for another chance

(Note how unfair: Men never seem to mind if a woman has an orgasm after 3 seconds of sex.) 15 calories


Possible Side Effects of Good Sex

The first indication that sex was a positive experience will be a buzzing in the pelvic area and a clear complexion. You might also feel pleasantly light, as though you were dozing in a vat of cream cheese. If sex was really terrific, you feel dangerously drained, as though your body had been connected to a large milking machine for several days. Additional reactions include:

Swooning 6 calories

Palpitations 10 calories

Shortness of breath 5 calories

Perspiring 8 calories


Possible Side Effects of Bad Sex

A less-than-sunny desposition 1 calorie



Un-entwining 3 calories

Regaining motor control of pevis

(After especially tiring sex, you may feel numb from below the waist to the opposite wall. The result will be an inability to walk [put one foot in front of the other], which will seriously impair your chances of going to the bathroom or getting some juice.) 7 calories

Standing up 9 calories

Getting some juice 11 calories


Rolling Over and Going to Sleep

After intercourse

(Classic behavior for shiftiness men who believe they've done their job and are now entilted to a rest. This "rest" may include snoring.) 18 calories

During intercourse

(Women find this to be a subtle, yet direct way of suggesting dissatisfaction.) 32 calories

During foreplay

(Indicates either an advance case of fatigue or a serious lack of interest.) 12 calories

Avoiding the wet spot 80 calories


Trying Again

If the woman is ready 5 calories

If the man is not 156 calories



Regular dream 2 calories

Wet Dream

Add 5 calories if it occurs while in bed with your partner;

Add 20 calories if your partner notices 16 calories

Wet Trance

(Usually occurs in the presence of a sensual hypnotist.) 20 calories


Group Sex

Introducing yourself 3 calories

Overcoming shyness 8 calories

Swapping partners, willingly 4 calories

Swapping partners, unwillingly 62 calories


(Partner having more fun than you are) 16 calories

Mixed doubles 26 calories

Being nice to everyone 100 calories


(You suddenly realize that you're wanted for you body and not your mind. Difficult to cope with, especially if you have a Ph.D.) 10 calories

Finding your clothes 5 calories



For pleasure only 6 calories

For exercise, too 10 calories

For relief from tension 12 calories

To pass the time 7 calories

To avoid overeating 16 calories

To get in touch with inner self 10 calories

To get in touch with outter self 10.5 calories

To avoid insanity 24 calories

To avoid spending money on a date

(In addition to being a viable alternative to television, shopping, and binges, masturbation is a quick and inexpensive way to get warm.) 9 calories

Using your hand(s) 11 calories

Using your finger(s) 9 calories

Using tweezers 2 calories

Using an inflatable doll 24 calories

Using Any fruit or vegetable

(Except watermelon or a sprig of parsley) 19 calories

Using a vibrator, hand-operated 12 calories

Using a vibrator, windup 9 calories

Using a vibrator, electric 5 calories

Using anything not mentioned here 50 calories

In a pornographic movie theater - purchasing the ticket 2.5 calories

In a pornographic movie theater - finding isolated seat 78 calories

In a pornographic movie theater - adjusting raincoat 3 calories


Typical Sex-Related Fears

Partner hates me for what I did 4 calories

Partner hates me for what I didn't do 8 calories

Forgetting the instructions in the sex manual 10 calories

Climaxing too soon 5 calories

Climaxing too late 6 calories

Not climaxing 20 calories

Partner thinks of me as a sex object 9 calories

Partner doesn't think of me as a sex object 47 calories

Partner will neglect to adminster last rites should I not recover from orgasm 88 calories


Personal Fears

Gigantic cellulite that shake and ripple during orgasm 6 calories

Stretch marks that look like a plowed field 8 calories

Penis envy 72 calories

Body odor of a disgruntled yak 25 calories


Getting Caught

By partner's spouse 60 calories

By your spouse 60.5 calories

Trying to explain 165 calories

Stuttering 28 calories

Throwing up

(Calorie counts here are flexible, depending on type of spouse-whether understanding and open-minded, or narrow-minded and armed) 40 calories


Almost Getting Caught

Trying to remain calm 100 calories

Fright (includes trembling) 66 calories

Leaping out of bed 25 calories

Getting dressed in one large motion 300 calories

Thanking partner quickly 2 calories

Jumping out of window

add 5 calories if window wasn't open 15 calories

Landing 1 calorie

Running very fast 50 calories

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I was able to lose nearly 20kg with a vigorous sexual workout daily

but,,, it depends a lot on what kind of sex you have too

if you have tame, slowed-down meaningful sex, maybe it won't burn so many calories

but if you are a screamin' demon and going balls to the wall, then surely it will use up more calories


the best option IMHO is to just have LOTS of sex, so you're sure to burn up plenty of calories

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  • 3 weeks later...

Sexercise is such a fun way to lose those unwanted pounds,but you must be prepared to put in the time to see results.One or two hours a day,everyday(3-4 hours for advanced) and you will start to see the results in about 2 weeks.Please note lying back and thinking of England won't get you anywhere, thrusting will.

Pelvic action is a must,don't be lazy,if you really want to lose weight the sweat should be pouring off you.Shower and repeat for best results.Good luck. :lol:

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