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bigKus

Tell your jokes ..!

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..I would like to invite everyone tell/share jokes here which you think it's funny..

Start with mine,forwarded email, which i found in my email inbox this morning .. :D

"New Truck"

One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.

Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"

"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.

"She gave it to you? "

I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, " but a new truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened.

We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere.

Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,

"Bubba, take whatever you want."

So I took the truck!

"Bubba, you're a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!" :lol:

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A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and chesse with broccoli."

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner things the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man, that will confuse the fkr." Mary complies sticks it down her breeks gives it a good rub and hands her husband the fork back.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey! I didn't know that Mary worked here!"

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Morris, an 82-year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart mummer and be careful.

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2 Eggs are boiling in some hot water.The first egg strt to talk to the second one and say:

it is damm hot here!

the other one reply :

Oh my godddddddd!

an egg who can talk :shock:

I dont know if it is funny ,but that one make me laugh every time.

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DEEP THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE FISHING

Two men are out ice fishing at their favourite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, "I think I'm

going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You

better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Link to newspiece in CNN : http://archives.cnn.com/2002/TECH/science/10/03/joke.funniest/

Found it quite ghastly but refined.... :D:D

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PENIS DAY OFF AND MANAGEMENT

I, THE PENIS, HEREBY REQUEST A RAISE IN SALARY FOR THE FOLLOWING REASONS:

1. I DO PHYSICAL LABOR

2. I WORK AT GREAT DEPTHS

3. I PLUNGE HEAD FIRST INTO EVERYTHING I DO

4. I DO NOT GET WEEKENDS OFF OR PUBLIC HOLIDAYS

5. I WORK IN A DAMP ENVIRONMENT

6. I DON'T GET PAID OVERTIME

7. I WORK IN A DARK WORKPLACE THAT HAS POOR VENTILATION

8. I WORK IN HIGH TEMPERATURES

9. MY WORK EXPOSES ME TO CONTAGIOUS DISEASES.

DEAR PENIS,

AFTER ASSESSING YOUR REQUEST, AND CONSIDERING THE ARGUMENTS YOU RAISED, THE ADMINISTRATION REJECTS YOUR REQUEST FOR THE FOLLOWING REASONS:

1. YOU DO NOT WORK 8 HOURS STRAIGHT

2. YOU FALL ASLEEP ON THE JOB AFTER BRIEF WORK PERIODS

3. YOU DO NOT STAY IN YOUR ALLOCATED POSITION AND OFTEN VISIT

OTHER AREAS

4. YOU DO NOT TAKE INITIATIVE- YOU NEED TO BE PRESSURED AND STIMULATED IN ORDER TO START WORKING

5. YOU LEAVE THE WORK PLACE RATHER MESSY AT THE END OF YOUR SHIFT

6. YOU DON'T ALWAYS OBSERVE NECESSARY SAFETY REGULATIONS, SUCH AS WEARING THE CORRECT PROTECTIVE CLOTHING

7. YOU'LL RETIRE WELL BEFORE REACHING 65

8. YOU'RE UNABLE TO WORK DOUBLE SHIFTS

9. YOU SOMETIMES LEAVE YOUR ALLOCATED POSITION BEFORE YOU HAVE COMPLETED THE DAY'S WORK

10. AND IF THAT WEREN'T ALL, YOU HAVE BEEN SEEN CONSTANTLY ENTERING AND LEAVING THE WORK PLACE CARRYING 2 SUSPICIOUS LOOKING BAGS.

SINCERELY, THE MANAGEMENT

There are no mistakes in life ONLY LESSONS!!!!!!!!

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Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None.", replied Johnny "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third sucking the cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."

Huh! I put that one in my journal last week! Good to see you keep a close eye on things around here :P lol

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POSSIBLY THE VERY BEST CHICKEN JOKE EVER

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is sitting up against the headboard

smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says,

"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

.. :roll: I dont get a joke's gag..Help !

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I have one in Danish ..

To aeldre veninder sidder og snakker:

1 : AAh, Jeg synes ikke min mand kan holde saerligt laenge i sengen efterhaanden

2 : Naa, jeg husker godt sidste gang Borge og jeg havde sex. Det varede i 1 time og 5 minutter

1 : Saa laenge

2 : Ja, det var den nat vi gik over til sommertid..

:D

P' Nicky..I dont get your joke's gag :?

Actually i cant read danish.. :(

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I have one in Danish ..

To aeldre veninder sidder og snakker:

1 : AAh, Jeg synes ikke min mand kan holde saerligt laenge i sengen efterhaanden

2 : Naa, jeg husker godt sidste gang Borge og jeg havde sex. Det varede i 1 time og 5 minutter

1 : Saa laenge

2 : Ja, det var den nat vi gik over til sommertid..

:D

P' Nicky..I dont get your joke's gag :?

Actually i cant read danish.. :(

Actually u prefer french jokes :-)...

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I have one in Danish ..

To aeldre veninder sidder og snakker:

1 : AAh, Jeg synes ikke min mand kan holde saerligt laenge i sengen efterhaanden

2 : Naa, jeg husker godt sidste gang Borge og jeg havde sex. Det varede i 1 time og 5 minutter

1 : Saa laenge

2 : Ja, det var den nat vi gik over til sommertid..

:D

P' Nicky..I dont get your joke's gag :?

Actually i cant read danish.. :(

Actually u prefer french jokes :-)...

Yeah.. probably.. but for the kisses , may i reserve the right for INTERNATIONAL :wink:

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A bus stops and two Asian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, cool down lady," said the man. "I'm just telling my friend how to spell Mississippi."

:D

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..::A desperated looking guy asks a girl who sitting at the library office desk that he could not find "How to" books about happy suicide tactics. Library girl tells him that did you find it in the books shelf at the left end conner I have about 5 ? He says yes, but I could not find one.

A girl raise her voice madly "What the bad borrowers, no one never ever return my books ! ! !"

" Umm.. It must be very works out 'how to' book " ( HA ) 8)

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..::A desperated looking guy asks a girl who sitting at the library office desk that he could not find "How to" books about happy suicide tactics. Library girl tells him that did you find it in the books shelf at the left end conner I have about 5 ? He says yes, but I could not find one.

A girl raise her voice madly "What the bad borrowers, no one never ever return my books ! ! !"

" Umm.. It must be very works out 'how to' book " ( HA ) 8)

Suicide for dummies...

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..::A desperated looking guy asks a girl who sitting at the library office desk that he could not find "How to" books about happy suicide tactics. Library girl tells him that did you find it in the books shelf at the left end conner I have about 5 ? He says yes, but I could not find one.

A girl raise her voice madly "What the bad borrowers, no one never ever return my books ! ! !"

" Umm.. It must be very works out 'how to' book " ( HA ) 8)

They still have the one called "Suicide for Dummies" so I heard. :lol:

I'm toooo f*cking late haha

as long as ur not a girl and too late that's ok...

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I have one in Danish ..

To aeldre veninder sidder og snakker:

1 : AAh, Jeg synes ikke min mand kan holde saerligt laenge i sengen efterhaanden

2 : Naa, jeg husker godt sidste gang Borge og jeg havde sex. Det varede i 1 time og 5 minutter

1 : Saa laenge

2 : Ja, det var den nat vi gik over til sommertid..

:D

P' Nicky..I dont get your joke's gag :?

Actually i cant read danish.. :(

Actually u prefer french jokes :-)...

Yeah.. probably.. but for the kisses , may i reserve the right for INTERNATIONAL :wink:

some kind of international kiss contest... :wink:

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Two Old Lady in their mid 60's was driving down the road. Bertha was driving and Maggie was sitting in the passenger seat of Bertha's car. Maggie was looking about and notice that they're coming to a Red Stop Light, but Bertha was not slowing down to stop the car. Maggie figure Bertha was probably gonna slam on the brake at the last minute but she didn't. She drove the car straight through the Red Stop Light without ever slowing down. Maggie then beging to question herself if she was seeing things but eventually let it go. They then came to another Red Stop Light and Maggie was determine to find out if it was Red or Green. Again, Bertha drove through the Red Stop Light without ever slowing down. Maggie knew it was a Red Light and yelled out, "Bertha!! You just drove through another Red Light!!" Bertha yelled back, "Oh s**t!, I'm driving!!"

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Actually u prefer french jokes :-)...

Yeah.. probably.. but for the kisses , may i reserve the right for INTERNATIONAL :wink:

some kind of international kiss contest... :wink:

n'oublions pas que c'est une anglaise en francais

(sorry about the keyboard) :lol:

PS: this is bad for your eyes, stick to masturbation plz!

Why masturbation.. ? we were just whispering :evil:

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..Whatever.. :?

here is my re-post joke.. :wink:

..:: Once upon a time, Adam has assignment from The God to gathering animal together up hill because of flood on the earth. Therefore, to avoid cross species sexual intercourse Adam ruled everyone must deposit their "Sexual Device" with deposit centre and keep receipt for get it back later.

After flood gone everything back to normal, a monkey whisper to his sweetheart ear that "Honey, please get yourself ready for ?huge? pleasure tonight" His sweetheart asks back "Why, anything special?" a monkey answer " Yes, because i just stole elephant receipt" ...:-p

Note : Hope you guys get my gag.. hehehehe?

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P' Nicky..I dont get your joke's gag :?

Actually i cant read danish.. :(

Actually u prefer french jokes :-)...

Yeah.. probably.. but for the kisses , may i reserve the right for INTERNATIONAL :wink:

some kind of international kiss contest... :wink:

Micky dear.. tell your jokes..! :twisted:

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