English_Bob Posted May 23, 2008 Report Share Posted May 23, 2008 How about the collective wit of TF share their best jokes - then we don't have to remember them... we can get them here! OK Here goes.... A man goes home with a duck under his arm. His wife meets him at the door and he say, "Darling, this is the pig I've been f#cking." His wife says, "That's not a pig, it's a duck." He replies, "I wasn't talking to you!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
English_Bob Posted May 23, 2008 Author Report Share Posted May 23, 2008 An English guy, Scottish guy and Irish guy are discussing the best bar in the world.... The English guy says, "In my local after you buy a drink, the landlord buys you one back. Then you buy another and he buys you one back... It's really friendly." The Scottish guy says, "There's a bar in Scotland where your FIRST drink is always free. And after you buy one someone ALWAYS rings the bell and buys everyone a drink... AND they have free food every Friday night. It's fantastic fun." The Irish guy says, "Well there's a bar in my home town. Your first drink is free, so is the next one and the next one and the next one. In fact you can drink there ALL night free, until you're really p#ssed. Then there's a room out back where you go and get laid!" The other two men are duly impressed - "That sounds great - what's the name of the bar?" The Irish guy replies, "I don't know... but my sister goes there all the time." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
English_George Posted May 23, 2008 Report Share Posted May 23, 2008 ....A bear is having a poo in the woods......and having difficulties.... ....along comes a rabbit..... ..Bear: "Does it stick to your fur too?" ..Rabbit: "No....not at all.....my fur is immaculate" ...So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his arse....... ...then the rabbit complains about a misquote or something and takes the bear to court.... ..79 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
English_George Posted May 23, 2008 Report Share Posted May 23, 2008 ...How many TF'ers does it take to change a light bulb??? ....3... ...One to Google it...to see how it's done... ..One to Google it to check that how it's done is correct.... ...One to realise that the lightbulb never needed changing.....they'd just spent so long concentrating on erroneous shite... ...they didn't see day turn into night ..7.9 ....on the clown scale Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeeMarc Posted May 24, 2008 Report Share Posted May 24, 2008 why do elephants drink so much? to forget. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
samy5000 Posted May 24, 2008 Report Share Posted May 24, 2008 why do elephants drink so much?to forget. ............................ Have you heard about the elephant with diarrhea? Yes... It's all over town! What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung Why wouldn't the butterfly go to the dance? It was a moth ball What disease can you get from kissing birds? Chirpes (It's a canareal disease, but it's tweetable) Two cows are in a field. First Cow: "Do you worry about getting Mad Cow Disease?" Second Cow: "Nah, I'm a penguin." Two goldfish are in a tank. One says, "Do you know how to drive this thing?" How does a cat commit suicide? It shoots itself in the head nine times. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper? Getting fingered by Captain Hook. A couple had an argument whilst driving and then passed a pigfarm. Husband asked sarcastically: ?Relatives of yours?? wife responded: ?Yip, my in-laws!? What's a good holiday tip? Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeeMarc Posted May 24, 2008 Report Share Posted May 24, 2008 Two cows are in a field.First Cow: "Do you worry about getting Mad Cow Disease?" Second Cow: "Nah, I'm a penguin." hahaha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
English_Bob Posted May 24, 2008 Author Report Share Posted May 24, 2008 Guy comes home from work, slumps down in front of the TV with the remote and says, "Wife, get me a beer... it's gonna start soon." His wife is a little put out but gets him a beer anyway. He drains it and says, "OK get me another, it's gonna start in a minute." She stomps off to the fridge, opens another beer and hands it to him. Once again he drains it and says, "OK another quick one... It's gonna start any second." His wife says, "Is that all you're going to do all night? Sit in front of the TV and drink beer?" The guy answers, "See? .....It's started..." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
funky_house Posted May 24, 2008 Report Share Posted May 24, 2008 An officer get posted to Afghanistan to command a military post. Whilst being shown around the camp by the sergeant major, he sees a tethered camel. What's that for? He asks. "Oh! The boys use that when they want sex sir". Replies the RSM. "A bit unusual". Thinks the officer. "But difficult times and all that". Well a few weeks pass, and the officer is feeling rather sex-starved. He goes and finds the camel, drops his trousers and mounts it, in front of the other officers. After satisfying himself, he pulls up his trousers and says to the watching officers "Bloody good that chaps. Is that how the boys do it?" No Sir! Replies one of the watching men. They usually just ride it into town to the brothel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iBatch Posted May 24, 2008 Report Share Posted May 24, 2008 Wife knows Best A husband is watching footie when his wife interrupts, "Honey, the hallway light has been flickering for weeks. Can you fix it?" He angrily looks at her and says, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E Logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!" "Well, what about the fridge door. It doesn't close right" "Fix the Fridge Door??? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so!" "Ok", she says, "then you could at least fix the front door steps. They're about to break." "I ain't no damn Carpenter and I don't wanna fix any steps," he says. "Does it look like I've got ACE hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough. I'm off to the bar!" After a couple of hours at the local, he feels guilty and decides to go home and make up with his wife. As he walks up to the house he notice the steps are fixed. As he goes into the house he sess the hall light is working, and as he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed." "Darling, how'd you get all this fixed?" She replies: "Well, after you left I was sitting outside crying when a nice young man asked what was wrong. I told him, he offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was to either bake a cake or go to bed with him." He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" She replied, "Helllllloooooo.......Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
funky_house Posted May 24, 2008 Report Share Posted May 24, 2008 Jock takes his wife to the doctor. She has two broken teeth, a broken nose, two black eyes and two broken arms. What happened? Asks the doctor. Jock replies " She was going through the change." That doesn't happen with the change. Says the doctor. Jock replies. It does when its in my f***ing pocket!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
English_Bob Posted May 24, 2008 Author Report Share Posted May 24, 2008 A guy says to his wife, "Next weekend I want to do something really special... Let's go fishing! It'll be great... just you, me and the dog, up by the lake." The wife isn't very keen, but says, "OK then, whatever." Next Saturday he shakes her awake at 4.30 am. "C'mon, get up. Time to go fishing!!! You, me and the dog up by the lake!" She looks at the clock and says, "WTF!!! It's 4.30 in the morning!" He answers, "You have to get up early to get the best spot, come on the car's all packed." His wife says, "No I'm sorry. I'm not going. I don't feel like sitting by the side of a lake all day watching you fish." The guy is really cheesed off, "You always do this. I try to do something nice for us and you just let me down. How are you going to make it up to me?" She says, "Well what do you want?" With an evil glint in his eye he says, "I want a blow job or to f#ck you in the ass." "Well you're not getting near my ass, so I suppose I'll give you a quick blow job. The guy unzips his fly and his wife goes to work on him. Suddenly she pulls back with a disgusted look on her face, "Oh my God... Your **** tastes disgusting... tastes like ****!" The guy says, "Yeah I know... the dog didn't want to go either." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iBatch Posted May 25, 2008 Report Share Posted May 25, 2008 A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in bed with another man. "Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world." "It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?" The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
English_Bob Posted May 25, 2008 Author Report Share Posted May 25, 2008 A guy is in the pub when a friend staggers in looking exhausted. He asks his friend, "What happened to you? You look like you just went six rounds with Mike Tyson." The friend replies, "Almost mate. I met this nymphomaniac. She's in my car in the car park right now. She's already f#cked me six times tonight. I can't keep up with her!" The first guy says, "She still wants more? How about if I go and have a go?" His friend says, "Be my guest - it's pitch black out there anyway - she'll never know we swapped places." So the guy goes out to his friend's car, climbs in the back seat and immediately the nymphomaniac is all over him. The car is bouncing on it's springs and the windows are steamed up. Just then a policeman knocks on the window and shines a torch in. "What's going on in here then?" The guy answers quickly, "Just getting a little passionate with my wife, officer." "Oh I'm sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife." The policeman says. The guy answers, "Neither did I, until you shone that torch in here!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
English_George Posted May 25, 2008 Report Share Posted May 25, 2008 ...There's two girls looking for love online, ....they join TF and get votes from all around the world... ..they decide to shortlist a few together and see who they like... Girl A : "I've got this guy from Australia who wants to come and visit, he's funny, he's cute, he's handsome and he's got his own buisness.." Girl B: "Hey...that sound like a good lead." Girl A: "Yeah...I've known him five minutes and he's coming to see me tomorrow! What about you???? Huh?? Girl B: "Well I've been talking to this guy from England, he's got his own business too and he thinks I'm really really cute, we're getting married!! Girl A: "Wow! What does he look like?" Girl B: "Don't know, he hasn't sent me a photo" Girl A: "What if he's ugly?" Girl B: "Ugly?.........what's that got to do with anything?" ...79 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iBatch Posted May 25, 2008 Report Share Posted May 25, 2008 Sounds women make during sex. 1) Asthmatic - ah.ahh.ah..ah. 2) Obedient - yes.yes..yes. 3) Unsatisfied - more. more...more. 4) Religious - oh god. oh god. ................................................ Make luv to ur galfriend on Valentine day. She"ll give u gud news on Mothers` day n u"ll hv a child on children`s day. Don"t try this on everybody. U"ll hv bad news on Dec 1 (AIDS day) ..................................................... WARNING! children playing outside the car can cause accidents.. and....Adults playing inside the ar can cause CHILDRENS!! by ACCIDENT.. ..................................................... A True Love Story a mosquito falls in love with a hen. one day they kiss each other The hen dies of malaria and mosquito dies of bird flu. Moral: True love might never die but lovers like these die a horrible death ................................................ Q: Whats the difference between a computer and a woman? A: A computer doesn"t laugh at a 3½ inch floppy. ..................................................... A notice in a factory for girl workers. "If your skirt is long, protect yourself from machines at work.. If it is short, protect yourself from men at work" .......................................................... A dentist was caught raping a girl. Next day headline, "Dentist caught filling wrong cavity". .......................................................... Skin meets Skin When is that the skin meets skin, hair meets hair n balls disappear.. dirty mind its when u BLINK UR EYES .......................................................... Which Part... of a man"s body has no bone full of veins loves pumping and responsible 4 making LOVE! ANSWER: HEART!!! But i luv the way u think... .......................................................... Girl & Boy were having sex. Girl: Darling, I want you to kiss my lips! Boy: Sure, which 1 would you prefer first, lower lip or upper lip? Girl: Middle lips, the ones right in the middle of my legs. .......................................................... Sex is like pizza. When its good, its VERY GOOD. When its bad, its Still pretty good ............................................................... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
samy5000 Posted May 25, 2008 Report Share Posted May 25, 2008 Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
funky_house Posted May 25, 2008 Report Share Posted May 25, 2008 Two flies sitting on a naked backside. Which one is on drugs? The one on the crack... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
English_George Posted May 25, 2008 Report Share Posted May 25, 2008 Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. .....Why couldn't Long John Silver ever get laid in Thailand? ...genuis ..79 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
funky_house Posted June 4, 2008 Report Share Posted June 4, 2008 Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine... Both were rushed to hospital... One's in a korma, and the other has got a dodgy tikka. 555555555555 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mark_CNJ Posted June 5, 2008 Report Share Posted June 5, 2008 MATH LESSON A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: "Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. -- Your Husband" When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
English_Bob Posted June 5, 2008 Author Report Share Posted June 5, 2008 Nice one Marc_CNJ ............................................................................................... There's a radio DJ sitting in his car at a red traffic light. A pretty blonde girl knocks on the window and asks, "Aren't you the guy off the radio?" He laughs and says, "Yes, do you like my show?" "Like it?" she says, "I LOVE it!!! You're the only person I listen to on the radio! I'd do ANYTHING to get a request on your show!!" "ANYTHING?" he says, raising one eyebrow. "Sure... ANYTHING!" She answers. "Why don't you get in and we'll go for a drive?" So they drive off until they find a deserted car park. The DJ says, "So really... you'd do ANYTHING for a request on my show?" "Of course... I love your show!" So he unzips his fly and gets his tackle out - firm and ready for action. He nods down at it and says..."You know what to do, right?" She says, "Sure, I'm not shy." She wraps one hand around the base of his knob and slowly lowers her head, until her mouth is just above the tip... ...and in a loud clear voice she says... "This next song is Robbie Williams and it's for me Mum and me Dad and everyone what knows me from work!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mark_CNJ Posted June 5, 2008 Report Share Posted June 5, 2008 That was a good one English_Bob. ******* "It's just a cold," the doctor said. "There is no cure, and you'll just have to live with it until it goes away." "But Doctor," the patient whined, "it's making me so miserable." The doctor rolled his eyes toward the ceiling. Then he said, "Look, go home and take a hot bath. Then put a bathing suit on and run around the block three or four times." "What!" the patient exclaimed. "I'll get pneumonia!" "We have a cure for pneumonia," the doctor said. ***** A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, 7 feet tall, 350 lb., 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lb. each, Turner Brown. The small guy just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks Are you OK? In a very weak voice the little guys says, Excuse me, but what did you just say to me? The big dude says, When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lb., have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lb. each, and my name is Turner Brown. The small guy says, Thank God I thought you said 'Turn Around' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
English_George Posted June 5, 2008 Report Share Posted June 5, 2008 ...and that was a wonderful one from you Mark, ...following a near perfect one from Bob ...can I follow suit? ...."why did the man cross the road? ....because he had his tongue up the chicken's arse" :) ...79 ..I'm coming down your restaurant soon Bob Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mark_CNJ Posted June 5, 2008 Report Share Posted June 5, 2008 George, that was a good one. **** John's Doctor "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," John asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track." "What sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' John thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history." ***** Salesman Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don't have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000." "Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?" ****** Wall-It A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the wall!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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