English_Bob Posted September 24, 2008 Author Report Share Posted September 24, 2008 Just read a Chinese joke doing the rounds due to all the food hygiene problems.... Two guys go into a coffee shop. The waitress comes over and says, "Can I take your order please?" "I'll have a cappuccino." says the first guy. The second guy says, "Give me a latte... and make sure the cup is clean." The waitress goes into the kitchen for a couple of minutes and then returns. "Sorry..." she says, "Which one of you wanted the clean cup?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StevieJR Posted September 24, 2008 Report Share Posted September 24, 2008 Woman goes to the doctors. "Help....everytime i open my legs my flower starts singing " Three Lions" that famous england football song "... "Oh dont worry" says the Doc....."Lots of fannies sing that" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BkkPilot Posted September 24, 2008 Report Share Posted September 24, 2008 What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? One of them stops sucking when you slap them... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
English_Bob Posted September 25, 2008 Author Report Share Posted September 25, 2008 Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp? He bought a warehouse. Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac? He lay awake all night, thinking about the dog. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
English_Bob Posted September 28, 2008 Author Report Share Posted September 28, 2008 Wendy Liebman.... My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. I just moved his chair closer to the one we already have. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
English_Bob Posted September 28, 2008 Author Report Share Posted September 28, 2008 Emo Philips - Cellphones are like a dog's nipples. You don't have to shout into them! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
English_Bob Posted September 28, 2008 Author Report Share Posted September 28, 2008 A young man called directory assistance. "Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona." "There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?" The young man hesitated, and then said, "Well, most people call me Ice Man." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund? Someone told him to get a long little doggy. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Psychiatry students were in their Emotional Extremes class. "Let's set some parameters," the professor said. "What's the opposite of joy?" he asked one student. "Sadness," he replied. "The opposite of depression?" he asked another student. "Elation," he replied. "The opposite of woe?" the prof asked a Cowboy. The Cowboy replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddyup." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
menospeakthai Posted September 28, 2008 Report Share Posted September 28, 2008 Whats the difference between a slice of toast and an Italian?????? You can make soldiers out of a slice of toast..boom boom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
English_Bob Posted September 28, 2008 Author Report Share Posted September 28, 2008 Whats the difference between a slice of toast and an Italian??????You can make soldiers out of a slice of toast..boom boom On the same lines... Advert on Ebay... For sale - French Rifle... Never fired, only dropped once! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randyballacks Posted October 2, 2008 Report Share Posted October 2, 2008 A man was leaving a cafe with his morning tea when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second hearse was walking a solitary man with a pitbull on a leash Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog. 'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file. Whose funeral is it?' The man replied, 'Well, the first hearse is for my wife.' 'What happened to her?' The man replied 'My dog attacked and killed her.' He inquired further, 'Well, who is in the second hearse?' The man answered 'My Mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.' A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. 'Can I borrow the dog?' 'Join the queue' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Win Posted October 2, 2008 Report Share Posted October 2, 2008 How do you recognize a german person on the highway... by looking at the license plate :idea: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
English_Bob Posted October 2, 2008 Author Report Share Posted October 2, 2008 David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments. He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what did the chicken do?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
English_Bob Posted October 2, 2008 Author Report Share Posted October 2, 2008 A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled, "This is great! "Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks. "No," says the psychic, "in biology class." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iam_sweethoney Posted October 2, 2008 Report Share Posted October 2, 2008 This particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mum, what is butt dust?' xoxo B. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
English_Bob Posted October 2, 2008 Author Report Share Posted October 2, 2008 That reminds me of a true story from when I was a kid in Sunday School... Our teacher asked us, "What is it that we all have inside us, no-one can see it, but Jesus loves it very much." I whispered the answer to my friend, "Our souls." Unfortunately, he misheard me and called out, "Arseholes!" which just happened to match all of the criteria too. I saw him last year (33 years after the event) we both remembered it vividly and laughed like drains... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
English_Bob Posted August 15, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 15, 2009 A Scottish Solder in full dress uniform marches into a chemist's. Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it. The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically. ?How much to repair it?? the Scot asks the chemist. ?Six pence,? says the chemist. ?How much for a new one?? ?Ten pence,?says the chemist. The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging. A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout. The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face. ?The regiment has taken a vote,? he says. ?We?ll have a new one.? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted August 15, 2009 Report Share Posted August 15, 2009 A bomb went off in the hotel that manchester United were due to stay in the next day. Let this be a lesson to everyone and not to make the same terrible mistake I made, never ever buy your timers on eBay How do you confuse a Man United fan? Give him a map of manchester Buying Cristiano Ronaldo -; 80 million Wages per week - ;225,000 Signing on bonus - ;3 million Future goal and assist bonusses - ;1.5 million The look on manchester United fans faces next season when they realise they were in fact a one-man team - Priceless. Just watched a program on Channel 4 about some canadian blokes who go out trying to catch crabs two months a year! Surely 90% of men in manchester do that every weekend? What does manchester United and a prostitute have in common? They have both made a shitload of money by selling their c*nt. I had to go to a conference in manchester today. Whilst walking around town I couldn't help wishing that Myra Hindley had been given a few extra years freedom. So it looks like manchester United have gone for a hollywood line up next season. They already had shrek up front now they have a donkey. Shame they let the princess go.... What's about 6 inches in diameter, red and stretches over an arsehole ! A manchester United hat ! Just read this headline: "La Liga Star Dies of Heart Attack" My heart-skipped a beat until it turned out it was some Espanyol player It reminded me of the time I read: "manchester United Star in Ferrari Tunnel Crash" I realise now I should always read the story before getting excited about the conclusion What do you call a manchester United fan at Wembley? To be honest, they're wankers wherever they are. :wink: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
claretandblue61 Posted August 16, 2009 Report Share Posted August 16, 2009 Wise Old Jewish Man A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview. "Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?" "Morris Fishbien," he replied. "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?" "For about 60 years." "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man." "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" "Like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
claretandblue61 Posted August 16, 2009 Report Share Posted August 16, 2009 Man Stories 1.. I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy Crouching down behind a tombstone. I said "morning." He said "no just taking a ****". 2. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I Realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked him to Forgive me. 3. My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting out "get this out of me? Give me the drugs." She looked at me and said, "You did This to me you bastard!" I casually replied, "If you would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, "it'll be too painful." 4. I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual Checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and She told me, "because I am trying to examine you." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
olympos Posted September 4, 2009 Report Share Posted September 4, 2009 An Ukrainian immigrant goes to the Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver's license. He has to take an eye test. The clerk shows him a card with the letters: C Z W I X N O S T A C Z "Can you read this?" the clerk asks. Read it?" the Ukrainian replies, "I know the guy." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
digitalcat Posted September 4, 2009 Report Share Posted September 4, 2009 An Ukrainian immigrant goes to the Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver's license. He has to take an eye test. The clerk shows him a card with the letters: C Z W I X N O S T A C Z "Can you read this?" the clerk asks. Read it?" the Ukrainian replies, "I know the guy." thats a polish last name u turk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
olympos Posted September 4, 2009 Report Share Posted September 4, 2009 An Ukrainian immigrant goes to the Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver's license. He has to take an eye test. The clerk shows him a card with the letters: C Z W I X N O S T A C Z "Can you read this?" the clerk asks. Read it?" the Ukrainian replies, "I know the guy." thats a polish last name u turk Do you know him? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
digitalcat Posted September 4, 2009 Report Share Posted September 4, 2009 of course i do, he's in Pattaya! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted September 4, 2009 Report Share Posted September 4, 2009 My girlfriend is a porn star. She is going to be so pissed off when she finds out. Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy. A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend, "You won't believe what happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to the rails. I untied her, and we had sex over and over again. All the positions; everything!" His friend replies, "That's great! Did you get a blowjob?" "No, I couldn't find her head." A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GoodKarma Posted September 4, 2009 Report Share Posted September 4, 2009 An Ukrainian immigrant goes to the Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver's license. He has to take an eye test. The clerk shows him a card with the letters: C Z W I X N O S T A C Z "Can you read this?" the clerk asks. Read it?" the Ukrainian replies, "I know the guy." that was funny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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