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Jokes!!


English_Bob
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...and that was a wonderful one from you Mark,

...following a near perfect one from Bob

...can I follow suit?

...."why did the man cross the road?

....because he had his tongue up the chicken's arse"

I heard a slightly different version - Why did the pervert cross the road?.... 'Cos his **** was stuck in the chicken!

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Pixar Pictures, the computer animated movie makers are planning a brand new film based on the terrible destruction wrought on New Orleans by Hurricane Katrina....

It's gonna be called "Finding *****."

C'mon c'mon it's just a JOKE!

Think like on the Vic Reeves show that was a tumbleweed moment!!!

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  • 2 weeks later...

An elderly couple had been dating for several months and were talking about taking their relationship to the next level....

The old guy said to the old lady, "How do you feel about sexual relations?"

Embarrassed, the old lady answered, "I like it infrequently."

The guy thought for a couple of minutes and then asked quietly, "Is that one word or two?" :lol::lol::lol:

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The difference between having Guts and having Balls...........

Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being

assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are

you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls- is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling

of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the

ass and having the balls to say, "You ' re next."

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A woman is waiting for the bus with her baby in her arms.

When the bus arrives, she climbs aboard and buys a ticket. The bus driver says, "By the way Madam, I just want to tell you, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen in my life."

The woman is astounded and distraught. She takes a seat and starts crying to herself, clutching her baby even tighter.

A guy sitting on the next seat asks her, "What's the matter, why are you crying?"

She answers, "The bus driver just insulted me and really made me angry."

"Well, you should tell him how you feel. He's a governtment employee... you pay his salary... don't let people like that upset you." The guy tells her.

She says, "You know? You're right. I'm sick of taking **** from people. I'm gonna march down there and give that bastard a piece of my mind."

The guy smiles and says, "You go girl! While you're down there, do you want me to look after your monkey?"

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

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hmmm hmmmm why it's hardly to laugh? I really don't get some of your jokes... I mean I can translate but just don't laugh....

Like I have seen the Black Adder... I just sit in front of TV see that series... and my face stay still trying to laugh but don't know why it's funny...

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hmmm hmmmm why it's hardly to laugh? I really don't get some of your jokes... I mean I can translate but just don't laugh....

Like I have seen the Black Adder... I just sit in front of TV see that series... and my face stay still trying to laugh but don't know why it's funny...

Ditto for Thai humour...

I went to see a Thai comedy movie with a farang friend and a Thai girl... she laughed all the way through and we found it totally unfunny.

Vive la difference!!

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hmmm hmm

and here is a Danish joke. Funny? :roll:

............................................

Danish Joke :

A : Min onkel ejer en avis!

B : Og hvad saa? Saadan en koster da kun 7 kroner!

..........

A : My uncel owns a newspaper

B : and so what? It costs only 7 kroner!!!

...........................................

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

Now that is funny :!:

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hmmm hmm

and here is a Danish joke. Funny? :roll:

............................................

Danish Joke :

A : Min onkel ejer en avis!

B : Og hvad saa? Saadan en koster da kun 7 kroner!

..........

A : My uncel owns a newspaper

B : and so what? It costs only 7 kroner!!!

...........................................

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

Now that is funny :!:

Not for me.... just a little bit funny.

Now how about some more jokes? Can anyone translate a few Thai jokes for us please? Might be interesting...

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hmmm hmm

and here is a Danish joke. Funny? :roll:

............................................

Danish Joke :

A : Min onkel ejer en avis!

B : Og hvad saa? Saadan en koster da kun 7 kroner!

..........

A : My uncel owns a newspaper

B : and so what? It costs only 7 kroner!!!

...........................................

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

Now that is funny :!:

Not for me.... just a little bit funny.

Now how about some more jokes? Can anyone translate a few Thai jokes for us please? Might be interesting...

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Just remembered another one....

Prince Charles takes up jogging to keep fit... his daily route takes him through the red light area in Soho, where every day he runs past a 50 year old hooker standing on the corner...

After a couple of days, the woman calls out to him, "150 quid... full service!"

Joking, Prince Charles says, "What can I get for a five pounds?"

The next day as he runs past, she calls out once again, "150 quid... full service." And he replies, "But what about for five pounds?"

This continues for a couple of weeks until one day Camilla asks to go jogging with him and he agrees.

It's only as they are jogging towards Soho that Charles realises the old hooker will be there. He wonders if she will call out to him today and how he can explain it to Camilla.

But as they jog past the od hooker, she says nothing. Charles breathes a sigh of relief until he hears her shout at his back, "That's what you get for five pounds, you cheap bastard!"

:lol::lol:

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hmmm hmmmm why it's hardly to laugh? I really don't get some of your jokes... I mean I can translate but just don't laugh....

Like I have seen the Black Adder... I just sit in front of TV see that series... and my face stay still trying to laugh but don't know why it's funny...

Ditto for Thai humour...

I went to see a Thai comedy movie with a farang friend and a Thai girl... she laughed all the way through and we found it totally unfunny.

Vive la difference!!

I heard this joke years ago and was pleasantly surprised when I was told it again by a Thai lady (retired school teacher) in her 60's, slightly different version but the same joke.

Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms.

The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"

The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get it up, if you know what I mean."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he asked. "I couldn't even jump up on the bed!"

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The only Thai joke I know is as follows....

An old man goes to the temple and prays aloud,

"Please Lord Buddha help me... I'm old and sick. I fear I may not have much time left. I wish only for one thing in my life... I want to see my daughter in Chiang Mai one more time before I die. Please help me - I only need about 500 baht."

Also in the temple is a policeman, who overhears the old man's prayer. He feels bad for him and checks his pockets, inside is 300 baht which he hands over to the old man... "Here you are, father - go and see your daughter in Chiang Mai."

The old man thanks him and wais, and the policeman leaves the temple.

Immediately the old man begins another prayer, "Lord Buddha I thank you for your swift and generous gift and for answering my last prayer. I only have one suggestion, next time can you give the money directly to me? That thieving bastard policeman stole 200 baht!"

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Tragedy...

Al Sharpton is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asks the Rev. Sharpton if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says the Great Al Sharpton,"that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Rev. Sharpton searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand.

In a quiet voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Rev. Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaims Sharpton, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

lol... very funny....

(Who's Al Sharpton? Never heard of her.)

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Tragedy...

Al Sharpton is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asks the Rev. Sharpton if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says the Great Al Sharpton,"that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Rev. Sharpton searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand.

In a quiet voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Rev. Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaims Sharpton, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

I first heard of Rev Al Sharpton back when the Tawana Brawley case broke.

http://www.google.co.th/search?hl=en&client=firefox-a&channel=s&rls=org.mozilla%3Aen-GB%3Aofficial&hs=I52&q=tawana+brawley+al+sharpton&btnG=Search&meta=

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People laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.

Well, they're not laughing now.

I've spilt stain remover on my shirt. How do I get that out?

A cat hijacks a plane: 'Take me to the canaries'.

So tell me smart ass... where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?

(Bob Monkhouse jokes all of them)

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Another Danish joke, not really funny for me but this makes many Danes laugh so hard

....................

Du er den dummeste hund jeg nogensinde har haft!

Naar jeg beder dig om at hente avisen, gaar du ud og laver kaffe!

You are the most stupid dog I ever have!

When I ask you to get a newspaper, you go out and make coffee!!

I dont see the funny side of it too.. :roll:

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Another Danish joke, not really funny for me but this makes many Danes laugh so hard

....................

Du er den dummeste hund jeg nogensinde har haft!

Naar jeg beder dig om at hente avisen, gaar du ud og laver kaffe!

You are the most stupid dog I ever have!

When I ask you to get a newspaper, you go out and make coffee!!

I dont see the funny side of it too.. :roll:

We (Brits) have a similar one....

An elderly woman says to her husband, "If you go to the shops today, don't forget to buy me some biscuits."

The old man sighs and says, "I won't forget."

"Well write it down... you know if you don't write it down you'll forget."

"Damn it woman, I said I won't forget! Biscuits, biscuits, biscuits! I'll bleedin' remember!"

And with that he storms off to the shop.

An hour later he returns with a newspaper and a tin of peaches.

His wife is furious, "You stupid old man, where's my bananas?"

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A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter.

"But we're not a real bank," replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money."

"Don't argue! Just open the safe or I'll blow your head off!" he shouts. She obliges and opens the safe door.

"Take one of the bottles and drink it!" he says.

"But it's full of sperm," the girl replies nervously.

"Don't argue, just drink it," he says. She takes off the cap and gulps it down.

"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one.

Suddenly, the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.

"See, it?s not that difficult is it?" he says.

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