English_Bob Posted June 25, 2008 Author Report Share Posted June 25, 2008 Thailand jails Thaksin lawyers in "snack box" caseReuters Reuters - 31 minutes ago BANGKOK (Reuters) - Thailand's Supreme Court jailed a lawyer and two legal advisers of ousted Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra on Wednesday after an apparent attempt to bribe court officials with $60,000 (30,400 pounds) hidden in a paper grocery bag. (Advertisement) Pichit Chuenban and two associates representing Thaksin and his wife in a pending land-deal case were responsible for the 2 million baht left in the bag at the Supreme Court compound earlier this month, the court ruled. The bag was found on the day that Thaksin, ousted in a coup in 2006, and his wife were due to appear on charges of violating graft laws that prevent serving politicians and their spouses from striking deals with state agencies. The three lawyers denied the charge of misbehaviour in a court, but Judge Mongkol Tabthieng was unimpressed. "The action of the three accused was a blatant offence committed in the compound of the Supreme Court. Given the fact that they are in the legal profession, their joint action has tarnished the court's image," he said in his verdict. Pichit's associate, Thana Tansiri, had already admitted to the court that the money belonged to him but said it had not been intended for use as a bribe. Instead, he said his driver had mistakenly picked up the bag with the money instead of an identical one that contained chocolates he had meant to give to court officials. (Reporting by Chalathip Thirasoonthrakul; writing by Vithoon Amorn; Editing by Ed Cropley and Sanjeev Miglani) This is an excellent joke, isn't it? :twisted: It's f#cking unbelievable.... straight to jail? Or six years of appeals and bullsh#t until everyone forgets about the case. (Can't happen? Samak is a convicted criminal. His case has been 'under appeal 'for almost seven years) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
English_Bob Posted June 26, 2008 Author Report Share Posted June 26, 2008 In deference to The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal > Commission for > Political Correctness, it was announced today that the > local climate in the > UK should no longer be referred to as 'English > Weather.' > > Rather than offend a sizable portion of the population, it > will now be > referred to as 'Muslim Weather.' > > > > > In other words, "Partly Sunni, but mostly > Shi'ite"........ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
biachung Posted July 2, 2008 Report Share Posted July 2, 2008 A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, ?Hey, Dave! How ya doin??? His wife is puzzled and asks if he?s been to this club before. ?Oh, no,? says Dave. ?He?s on my bowling team.? When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he?d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, ?How did she know that you drink Budweiser?? ?She?s in the Ladies? Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.? A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says ?Hi Davey. Want your usual lap dance, big boy?? Dave?s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, ?Looks like you picked up a real ***** tonight, Dave.? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Administrator Posted July 3, 2008 Report Share Posted July 3, 2008 How do you know when you are at a gay picnic? The hot dogs taste like sht. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
preemo Posted July 3, 2008 Report Share Posted July 3, 2008 TEACHER; james why is your cat at school today? JAMES; (crying) replies , I heard the postman tell mummy when the kids go to school im going to eat you *****.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
funky_house Posted August 3, 2008 Report Share Posted August 3, 2008 Man teases ex-wife's new husband: "How's the second hand *****?" The new husband says: "Its great thanks!...After the first 2 inches, its brand new!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pinkcandygirl Posted August 4, 2008 Report Share Posted August 4, 2008 A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face. "Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside. He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud. "Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home." The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep. "You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said. "Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?" "You left your wheelchair at the bar again." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
English_Bob Posted August 4, 2008 Author Report Share Posted August 4, 2008 A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face."Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside. He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud. "Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home." The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep. "You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said. "Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?" "You left your wheelchair at the bar again." nice one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted August 4, 2008 Report Share Posted August 4, 2008 If I buy a teddy bear for £10 and call it Mohammed, then sell it for £20 5 days later, have I made a prophet?? :twisted: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pinkcandygirl Posted August 4, 2008 Report Share Posted August 4, 2008 If I buy a teddy bear for £10 and call it Mohammed, then sell it for £20 5 days later, have I made a prophet?? :twisted: silly but funny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted August 4, 2008 Report Share Posted August 4, 2008 If I buy a teddy bear for £10 and call it Mohammed, then sell it for £20 5 days later, have I made a prophet?? :twisted: silly but funny just like me!!!! :twisted: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pinkcandygirl Posted August 4, 2008 Report Share Posted August 4, 2008 Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a ****." The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and ****." The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass." The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?" The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll use that!" He left and came back with **** all over his hands and clothes. His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?" The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stramash Posted August 4, 2008 Report Share Posted August 4, 2008 nice turn around from the usual blonde jokes!! :twisted: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iBatch Posted August 4, 2008 Report Share Posted August 4, 2008 Adult Humor of the Day A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner." The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner." The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?" She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper." Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub." He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
English_Bob Posted September 23, 2008 Author Report Share Posted September 23, 2008 Sylvester Stallone, Jean Claude Van Damme, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Steven Seagal are sitting in a bar discussing movie projects... Stallone says, "Why don't we join forces and make a movie about Classical Music. I've always fancied playing Beethoven." "Brilliant!" Says Van Damme, "I could play Tchaikovsky." "And I could play a cool Rimsky-Korsakoff." Says Steven Seagal. Arnie downs his pint, looks at the others and growls, "I'll be Bach." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
English_Bob Posted September 23, 2008 Author Report Share Posted September 23, 2008 I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife... Filthy, dirty and covered in cobwebs... but she's good with the kids. (thanks Tommy Cooper) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
biachung Posted September 23, 2008 Report Share Posted September 23, 2008 A husband said to his wife, "Get your coat on love, it?s time to go to the pub." "But you NEVER take me out," she replied. "I?m not," said the husband, "but I?m turning the heating off before I go." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iam_sweethoney Posted September 23, 2008 Report Share Posted September 23, 2008 well, too lazy to post several replies so here you go!! A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?" The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't! The older is nine and the younger is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?.... Do you really think they look alike, you dickhead?" "Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!" ****** 'A retired Italian wine maker went to the village church to make his confession for the first time in many decades. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. I hid her in my attic." The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! You have no need to confess it." "It's worse than that, Father," he continued. "She quickly started to repay me with sexual favors." "People in wartime sometimes act in ways they wouldn't under normal conditions. If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven." "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. May I ask a question?" "What, my son?" "She is pretty old now, should I tell her the war is over?" ' ****** Digging to a depth of 1,000 meters in rural France last year, archaeologists found traces of copper wire dating back 1,000 years. The French concluded that their ancestors had a telephone network centuries ago. Not to be outdone by the French, English scientists dug to a depth of 2,000 meters. Shortly thereafter headlines in the U.K. newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces of 2,000-year-old fiber-optic cable and have concluded that ancestors had an advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the French." One-week later, Israeli newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 5,000 meters in a Jerusalem marketplace, scientists found absolutely nothing. They thus concluded that 5,000 years ago Jews were using wireless technology. ****** Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy. 'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?' The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him... ......... Sum Ting Wong ****** 'The teacher says, "Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today's word is "beautiful". Little Sally, would you please come up here and use "beautiful" in a sentence?" Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world." Teacher says, "Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn." Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen." Teacher says, "Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it's your turn." Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said, "Beautiful, just ******* beautiful." ' ****** wo cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?". xoxo B. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iam_sweethoney Posted September 23, 2008 Report Share Posted September 23, 2008 and this is my most favourite one... what's the difference between freezers and women??? freezers - you put the thing in and it gets hard women - you need to get hard before you put the thing in is it too naughty? xoxo B. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joefarang Posted September 23, 2008 Report Share Posted September 23, 2008 what's the difference between a woman and a toilet? a toilet doesn't follow you around complaining after you've finished using it ..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Administrator Posted September 23, 2008 Report Share Posted September 23, 2008 A man walks into a butchers and says "I bet you 1,000 baht, you can't reach that beef on the top shelf". The butcher replies "No way, the stakes are too high". ********************** What goes "clippity clop, clippity clop BANG BANG" An Amish drive-by ********************* ...........OK, I'll get my coat haha, gotta love dry humor. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
digitalcat Posted September 23, 2008 Report Share Posted September 23, 2008 I think that joke goes like this: Bear and a rabbit are taking a $h*t in the woods. The bear asks the Rabbit: "Hey Rabbit, does **** stick to your fur?" "No," said the rabbit "Why?" The bear picked him up and wiped his ass with him. Er Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iam_sweethoney Posted September 24, 2008 Report Share Posted September 24, 2008 Law Court Transcript These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Q: Are you sexually active? A: No, I just lie there. __________________________________ Q: What is your date of birth? A: July 15th. Q: What year? A: Every year. ______________________________________ Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ______________________________________ Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? _____________________________________ Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. _____________________________________ Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. ______________________________________ Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. ______________________________________ Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? A: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ___________________________________ Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? _____________________________________ Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? ______________________________________ Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? ______________________________________ Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? ______________________________________ Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? ______________________________________ Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female? ______________________________________ Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. ______________________________________ Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. ______________________________________ Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at! the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. ______________________________________ Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? ______________________________________ Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere xoxo B. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joefarang Posted September 24, 2008 Report Share Posted September 24, 2008 Horse walks into a bar.Barmaid says... "why the long face?" Lol. A bear joins the the horse and says "I'll have a beer and ............................................................................................................................................................................................and a packet of crisps" The barman replies "What's with the big pause?" bear walks into a bar with his arm in a sling and says "i'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
English_Bob Posted September 24, 2008 Author Report Share Posted September 24, 2008 Lol. A bear joins the the horse and says "I'll have a beer and ............................................................................................................................................................................................and a packet of crisps" The barman replies "What's with the big pause?" (Isn't the punchline missing here?) The bear says... "Always had 'em." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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