He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK. He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS. He develops a case of RECTAL-ANAL INVERSION.

He is not a SEX MACHINE. He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG. He has SWINE EMPATHY.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT. He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES. He has an INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC MOMENT.

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED-AMERICAN. She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT. She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE. She is not HALF NAKED - She is WARDROBE IMPAIRED. She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED. She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES. She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION. She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE. She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT. She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE. She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION. She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE. She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT. She is not KINKY - She is a NON-INHIBITED SEXUAL COMPANION. She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE. She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED. She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY. She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED. She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is GRAVITY RESISTANT. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED. She is not LOOSE - She is MORALLY IMPAIRED. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR. She does not have THIN LIPS - She is COLLAGEN DEPENDENT.