I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

- I do physical labour

- I work at great depths

- I plunge head first into everything I do

- I do not get weekends off or public holidays

- I work in a damp environment

- I don't get paid overtime

- I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation

- I work in high temperatures

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

- You do not work 8 hours straight

- You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods

- You do not always follow the orders of the management team

- You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas

- You do not take initiative

- You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working

- You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift

- You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing

- You'll retire well before reaching 65

- You're unable to work double shifts

- You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work

- And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and >leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.