Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that.
The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
"Dear wife. You must realise that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter w
A young couple decided that a painless way for them to be able to save money would be for the husband to put all his change into the bedside china piggy bank each time they had sex.
One night, while things were hot and heavy, the husband accidentally knocked the bank onto the floor where it smashed into pieces. Much to his surprise, among the masses of coins, there were also numerous five and ten dollar bills.
"What?s up with all these bills?" he asked his wife.
"Not everyone is cheap as you
Two elderly residents were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing
home one evening.
The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what
you?re wanting; for $5 I?ll have sex with you right over there in that
rocking chair."
The old lady looked surprised but didn?t say a word.
The old man continued, "For $10 I?ll do it with you on that nice soft
sofa over there, but for $20 I?ll take you back to my room, light some
candles, and give you the most romantic evening you?ve
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says,
Two men who work in a railway junction-box are switching shifts, as one goes up the metal steps, the other comes down and they meet half way.
"Hey Ron, you should have been here last night, man, it was great. I noticed something down on the railway track and when I went to check, it was a beautiful naked woman tied to the track. I untied her and man, I'm still trying to convince myself it happened. We went into the junction-box and had wild sex in every position, it was amazing."
"Wow, you luc
A blonde heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. The milkman thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
"I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"
"I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."
"Pasteurised?"
"No, just up to my breasts."
A boss walked into the office one morning not knowing that his zipper was down, and his fly wide open.
His secretary walked up to him and said, "Boss this morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?"
This was not a phrase that her boss understood, so he went into his office looking a bit puzzled.
When he was about done with his paper work, he suddenly noticed that his zipper was not zipped up. He zipped up and remembering what his secretary had told him, finally understo
Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Alan for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" The Fairy Godmother replied "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there, and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid that the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't w
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by terrible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by terrible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your
Tiger Woods goes to Ireland in his BMW.
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick
"hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What ar
Dr. Phil was conducting a therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother he said, "You are so obsessed with eating you've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third mom: "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mothe
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon t
A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."
The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka."
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses
On a farm lived a chicken and a horse, and both loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Porsche Carrera GT. Finding the keys inside
Three blondes are talking about their boyfriends.
"It's funny," says Samantha, "Peter's balls are always cold as ice when I'm sucking his ****."
"You know what?" replies Jenny. "It's exactly the same with my Richard..."
They turn to the third blonde and ask, "When you blow Chris, are his balls cold, too?"
"Ugh! That's disgusting! I never put Chris's thing in my mouth!"
"You're crazy," one of the blondes pipes up. "A good blowjob is the best way to keep a guy. You should try it."
She says s
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half, but accidentally sends her the bottom half of the picture.
He is really worried when he realises that he has sent the wrong half! But then he remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter f
Three adventurers on a lost island get captured by a primitive tribe. After being kept in a cage for several days, they are brought to the center of the village where all the tribes people have gathered. They are told by the village elder that they are being judged and will have a hand in their fate.
They take the first adventurer out and give him the option of death or poonta. He asks what poonta is but they just point their spears at him and order him to choose. He says, "I don't know what po
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" h
More story about........................
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer,and at a point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him 2 enter his password,he made it obvious to his wife that he was keying in.+PENIS+ His wife fell off her chair laughing when the com
A black guy and a white man were sitting in the
> park. The white man had a pet monkey and a black guy
> was selling bananas. So the black guy said "Mr. can
> u look after my bananas I am going to the toilet".
> "Oh yes go ahead" said the white guy. When the black
> guy came back there were no more bananas and he goes
> mad, "where are my bananas?" The white guy says "ask
> your brother", pointing at his monkey. The black guy
> just chilled. Then the white guy sai
An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar in Cardiff. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.
"Y'know," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."
"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after
