An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?' 'Just water,' says the priest. The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?' The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'
A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning
his sister from a telephone box. So he
calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice:
'Is there money in the box?
'Naw, it's just me,' he replies.
A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says:
'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken'
'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from?
'Fae my knickers tae ma feet. '
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire? "
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: " A Billionaire"
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.
Manufactured: January 26th 2526
Factory: Bom and Bang, Udon Tsay, Issan
Production no: 0004...Limited Edition
Number of Owners: 3 careful ones; 296 not so careful.
Modifications: Many over the years including hair braiding; extra brightwork including metal inserts.
Bodywork: In good overall condition for the age. Minor cracks on the backside and scuffing on the knees and elbows. Some tasteful custom artwork added over the years...mainly dragons and scorpions(see pics). Some chippi
BARGIRL FOR SALE.
No key money, just take over payments. Great exterior condition. Attitude may need slight adjustment. Will cook if hungry. Will clean for jewellery. Expert in hand phone operation, sofa management and budget mishandling. Genuine reason for sale - owner bankrupt! Call now, this offer won't last.
08-SKINT56
Wife: You always carry my photo in your briefcase to the office. Why?
Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, 'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?' To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, 'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!'
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work. "The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon........ You got nice house."
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for £19.95, Shopping Barbie for £19.95, Beach Barbie for £19.95, Disco Barbie for £19.95, Ballerina Barbie for £19.95, Astronaut Barbie for £19.95, Skater Barbie for £19.95, and Divorced Barbie f
The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers." Woody Allen
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." - George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." - Sharon Stone
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
Tom Clancy
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex --no matter what
An elderly American gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. 'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. 'Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready.' The elderly gentleman says, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.' 'Impossible. All Americans have t
A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something." A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything t
Recent research has revealed that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bole of Baileys, a butle of Kehuha, a pockage of Tim Toms , tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke, some saltins an a bax a cholates. Yu haf no idr who gud I fel.
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education than any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cop’s expense! Glasgow cop says, 'Licence and registration, please.'
London lawyer says, 'What for?'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
London lawyer
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, APPEARS TO kiss her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a
An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.'How many children?' asks the council worker '10' replies the Essex girl'10???' says the council worker.. 'What are their names?''Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne''Doesn't that get confus ing?''Naah...' says the Essex girl 'its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it...''What if you want to sp
Two Essex girls walk up to a perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle, Debbie sprays it on her wrist and smells it, 'That's quite niceinnit, don't you fink Trace?' 'Yeah, what's it called?''Viens a moi' 'VIENS A MOI, what the f**k does that mean?' At this stage the assistant offers some help. 'Viens a moi, ladies is French for 'come to me''Debbie takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again, saying, 'That doesn't smell like come to me Trace. Does it smell like come to you?'
A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs. The sign says: 'SEX FROGS' Only $20 each! Comes with 'complete' instructions. The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!' As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!' The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon
A young couple wanted to join the church, the pastor told them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.'
The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.
When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed. 'You are back so soon... Is there a problem?' the pastor inquired.
'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstai
