I lost my best friend and the love of my life recently and, if I knew then what I know now, perhaps this would not have happened. Perhaps the outcome would have been different. I don’t know. I cannot turn back time, but I can try to learn what happened from the whole experience and perhaps, if she is reading this, she can too.

It is both wrong and pointless to lay blame on her or me. In Thai there is a saying: “two hands clapping” and I do believe this is true in this case. It would be easy to say that the problem was all about her anger, but really, as a loving partner, it is also my responsibility to do all I can to care for her well-being and happiness. Anger was not the core problem. The problem was neither of us knew how to deal with it or solve it…or even what it actually is.

Looking back now I realize that, because I didn’t know or really understand what was going on, I actually acted selfishly, judgmentally and self-centeredly. Like a terrible nightmare, the more I seemed to do and the more I reacted, the worst things became in what seemed to be an endless cycle over which I was helpless.

Instead of holding her in my arms when she really needed me the most, I pushed her away, blaming her for the pain I felt she was causing me. In all the confusion and mess and brutal words I failed to listen... I could not hear her tiny whisper asking me to help and to be there for her, and not let her down. It is this that fills me with the deepest regret and sadness. And it is this I believe that caused us to destroy what was an almost perfect loving partnership and friendship.

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In my last journal, I posted some information that I had found about anger, and more specifically what I could see was perhaps the type of anger that caused us our problems. To put things in context, here is the core of that:

Using anger to control

One aspect of anger is that it can be an effective method of control; that is control over situations and control over people.  It can overpower the opposition, and it can create timidity and even fear on the part of other people so that they dare not cross or disagree with the angry one.  But this kind of behavior can be harmful, and even devastating to relationships

In many cases, it is wise to consider the person more than the issue.  One may win an argument, but the other individual may be hurt and alienated.  People frequently get so involved with the subject at hand that this is a fact that escapes them.  Children complain about an angry parent, and, in later years when they look back, they hardly remember the issues, but they do remember the anger.

It is tragic when a person is afflicted with what is called ‘floating hostility’.  This is hostility that is just below the surface and which frequently erupts.  It can spew out on a family member or a fellow worker. The angry one justifies his or her anger by the event, "He deserved it; look what he did."… ignoring the fact that it causes hurt feelings.  The angry one either does not realize it or does not care.

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In hindsight, what could have been done?

It can be a very difficult experience to be in a relationship with someone who acts out in anger. It is often emotionally disturbing, incredibly frustrating and sometimes even frightening.

It is vital to know and remember that for a person with anger control issues, the anger is their problem… it's eating at them. It's not about you at all. You just happen to be the one they are crying out to for help. How you choose to deal with the angry person cannot only help you but perhaps even help lead the angry person to find peace.

Some options.

There are several options open in how to handle an out of control person. The first option would be to run the other way. That's easy to do if you happen to be in a store or something of the sort, but not so easy if you are their loving partner.

The second option is to strike back with a vengeance. This is human nature. When someone hurts you, our first initial reaction is often to return hurt for hurt and pain for pain. But this isn't right. Returning vengeance for a wrong done only makes you look bad, and it only puts a burden on your heart. The angry person is seeking love and acceptance, but often they are so filled with that love simply has no room in their heart.

The third option is the hardest but the most rewarding, and that is to listen to the person and let them throw all the anger they can muster at you because the angry person isn't really striking at us to hurt us, even though that often happens. They are striking at us in hopes that we are strong enough to handle what they are throwing at us, needing someone not to run away, but to listen to them.

It is important to draw a distinction between the feeling of anger and the expression of that anger. Understanding what your partner is going through when he acts angrily can be an enlightening experience, may help you their side of it better, and in itself can be a healing process.

You cannot control your partner’s feelings. And you can’t tell them whether or not s/he “should” be angry. Your partner has the same right to whatever feelings s/he possesses as you do. The feeling of anger in itself is not bad, and therefore there’s no need to address that. Let your partner have her/his angry feelings. They are her/his to have.

But you should be aware that angry action in a relationship can be destructive, especially if it is affecting either you in negative ways.

Having said that, we have to remember that no one is perfect, and there are probably going to be times in your relationship when one or both of you become angry. That is inevitable and it’s natural.

The issue at hand is angry action that happens over and over again without any apparent attempts to control it. This kind of anger is a problem and can poison your relationship.

The truth is that angry action is the angry person’s responsibility. But, there are some things you can do that may help clarify your own expectations in the relationship and perhaps avoid unnecessary angry outbursts.

The first thing to do is have a conversation about his or her angry outbursts, if your partner is capable of it. If you don’t think you can manage this, or if you think s/he can’t manage it without blowing up into an angry fit or becoming defensive, then you might need professional intervention. If you do think there is a possibility, though, talk with your partner about your frustrations with their anger.

This conversation should take place at a time when he is not tired, hungry, or already angry. In this conversation you should take a non-accusatory position (you may even express some understanding of the angry feelings if you do actually understand them), but at the same time you want to make it clear what his angry behavior is doing to you and that it is harming your relationship.

Write down one or more “I” statements (“I feel this when…) that get across your reaction with the least accusatory tone. Be as clear as you can about your expectations. Tell your angry partner specifically what in her/his behavior causes you distress.

If you offer a suggestion such as talking it over with you, then you have to be willing, under stress, to put yourself in listening mode to really understand what s/he is saying, without criticizing him if he is not telling you in a proper or good way.

The other side of this coin is analyzing your own actions and making sure you aren’t doing things to unnecessarily provoke your spouse to anger. You aren’t responsible for their angry actions, but you are responsible for what you do and say. The following is important enough to warrant repeating:

In communicating with the partner who acts out her/his anger your best chance of making a change in the pattern is for you to put yourself in listening and understanding mode as I explained above.

Other tools.

Many loving relationships turn sour just because of the fact that acrimonious words are said during outbursts of anger. This does not mean that the couple does not love each other. These angry exchanges result from differing motives, varied interests and philosophies. But if you truly want to try and make things better between the two of you, there are some solutions that you can try. Neither of these solutions is all-encompassing. No human relationships is identical and what may work for one pair may not work with another couple. Additionally, for some, combinations of these may work best.

Try and listen – Many couples stop actually listening to the other person after spending some initial time together. This can be disastrous to a relationship. A relationship requires sharing information, desires, ideas and frustrations. Giving a quite ear to listen will not only ensure a catharsis for your partner but will also give you an insight into the dynamic and changing personality of your spouse. Even during an angry outburst amidst being insulted, blamed and insinuations, maintain a calm demeanor. Have a rule that says that only one person can have an outburst at one time. Ignore the thoughts, rationalizations and excuses that come to your mind while you are being lambasted.

Introspection – Look deep inside and think whether certain actions of yours have caused a flare up in your partner. You may have done something or said something inadvertently that resulted in aggressive behavior. If you really know your partner then you will definitely be able think of the reasons behind a specific fight or argument.

Do not be judgmental – Do not regard the thoughts and feelings of your partner as trivial and unworthy of attention. You may not be able to empathize with what your spouse is going through but you need to appreciate that he or she is a different individual and may have different emotional triggers. Trivializing the issue at hand can make matters worse since it is seen as belittling. If you cannot try and understand why your partner is feeling in a certain manner the least you can do is to not say counter-productive remarks like ‘you should not feel like this’.

Take time off – Decide to not speak to each other for a period of time if an argument is becoming too heated. If you feel the anger swelling up inside you due to something that was said, tell your partner that you will not converse till a more pleasant manner is assumed. Let it be known that you cannot tolerate being spoken down to, humiliated and belittled by blames and accusations.

Just stop – If both of you are having issues with dealing with anger, decide a signal or a code that you will use when the temperature begins to rise. This should be respected at all times and irrespective of anything. At times like this both of you need to back off, try and let out steam and calm yourself before talking again.