Who of you had the great privilege of having a father for more than 51 years? I had! And he was a great father, well with his good and not so good sides but only the one who is without any fail may throw the first stone. This night, my father passed away, luckily (although his cancer and the subsequent treatment with more and more hard medications) having been mentally ok and also being (although decreasingly) mobile until four days ago and after that, a bit disturbed but still recognizing his family members. On Tuesday evening, after having given something like a massage to his neck and scratching his back at places he could not reach (well, I think everyone of you knows these places...) I told him a "normal" good bye, expecting to talk to him again the next day. Unfortunately, this was not possible any more.

One big thing is that he had his 81st (and, as we all know now, last) birthday celebration 10 days ago at my brother's place and he really was happy, mentally fully ok and joking.

When I saw him last night, my mother, his elder sister (our beloved aunt), and all of his children - we are three brothers - have been sitting at his bed but he was sleeping. I really do hope that he felt our presence. Later in the evening, we left and I would have come early morning to replace my mother who stayed with him during the night. At 1:30am, my mother called me and told me that he had passed away without having woken up again, so I immediately went to the hospital (which luckily is about 10mins walking from my place). Mom told me that she woke up (at the palliative station, you can stay with your beloved ones) and just came right to hear his last breath.

On one hand, I am very sorry not to have been with him at his last breath, but realistically saying, you cannot predict. But he was not alone because my mom woke up (they have been married for 52 years) at the right time. She called me and I immediately went there and we cried and waited for the priest.

After that, I packed all his personal belongings for bringing them to my place so my mom would not have to carry so many things. Well, don't judge easily - despite of mourning, one has not to forget what has to be done. The nurses (very great in their understanding!!!) brought us a paper telling what we would have to do next. Yes, even death is a big matter of bureaucracy! Then, just before leaving, I touched him a last time on the head - he still was warm and except of the fact that he was very pale, he still looked like sleeping......

Well, life will have to go on. But I always will keep best memories of my dad!

in our garden, somewhere in the mid-80's, or in 1991? I cannot prove anymore.

Thank you very much for everything, Dad!

PS: When my dad was admitted to hospital last week, doctors said honestly that it would be about three weeks to bring him back into a situation he could go home at least for a while. Six weeks ago, he still was going to our garden by car and walking up the hill. One week ago, I brought him to hospital for a routine check and we still have been talking vividly.

Ok, ok, it's too much now for you, I see.... Please forgive me!

Geeeez, what's the difference between that time and today

möge er in Frieden ruhen

unser Beileid.

Danke, Josef!

One week after the sad event, I am reading through this again. Asking myself WHY I brought this here just five hours after my beloved dad died. Crazy, don't you think? Because just after I came back from the hospital (around 3am), I was completely calm. But then, I started to drink, got completely gaga and - yes - completely broke down. Next day, I felt embarrassed for this but time passed and I say that my behavior was maybe not so good but understandable.

Just before that, I "pissed out" much of my feelings with this blog. Sorry if you do not understand but it was a great relief for me!

I think it was not bad because I spat out nearly everything. After this comment, I got terribly drunk and I called my best friend who immediately quit work(!) for the day just to support me! So, I really have to say that now, I can cope with it without any problems. I saw my dad lying there completely pale with his mouth open (his eyes were closed already before as he was "sleeping") but obviously the nurses forgot to close his mouth when putting him in his final position (no pun intended as they have been really great - to him as well as to us, the relatives!).

Best regards to my best friends Hannes & Margit for their soooo great support!!!!

Whatever - dad is gone, life will have to go on without him in person but his memory will always be with us. We will have his memorial ceremony next week and I will have to get his pale face off my mind.