space...

after the very sweet weekend...

i got on the phone with my sister this afternoon...and BANG!...i got hit with a very very very bad news...**** happened with my brother and sister in ireland.

we all agree that we are not gonna tell our mom.

so i phoned my mom and when she asked me whether i've talked with my sista and brother or not, i told her that they were fine...but no they are not...

i decided not to sleep tonite coz i already feel bad that i had such a great time over the weekend without any ideas that at the other continent...my beloved sibling were encounterring such a big problem.

my most beloved brother who looked after me since i was first born had trouble breathing due for the shocked of the situation. my sister couldnt drive coz her mind has been preoccupied by all sort of problems that are seemingly targeting to us.

and me, stupid enough not to reveal my problem to people in my real life, as usual, i choose to express it thru this electronic medium rather than just telling someone. i might tell mr. tlc later on but the way i usually am is not to share my problem with my bf until everything is solved...i rather keep him happy. i somehow feel that it's not fair for the person whom i am dating with coz it's like i do not offer them chances to share the problems with me...but this is the way i am.

i feel like **** for my incapability. i have been wanderring around just to found out that there's nothing i can do to make things better...i feel like an idiot...

i simulate myself to be in their position...gosh...that must be like being in hell...

being the surprise of the family was only great when we were young, but look what we'll have to face later on...we'll have to see our heroes walk away from our lives one by one...and it's just fair...coz they sacrified part of them for us, they celebrated for having us to their cares. we recieve loves from them, and at the end, we live in deep grife when they leave us alone.

well..no one is dying...it's just the reflection of the problem that reminds me to this thought that i once had at my dad's funeral 4 years ago...

i wont be surprised if you found this journal confusing...same as my mind...

warm regards from the heart that's as cold as ice...

atomic

ps. thank you nong paul