I'm writing this and even now I'm fighting back tears from the reason I moved back to NY and the only reason I am kept in NY and even in the US at all. My grandmother (nana) for short has fought cancer successfully twice before. Both times it would've killed a regular person but she was strong. I say was because a person can only fight so much and so long! This third time even she put up such a great fight worthy of any warrior! She underwent aggressive chemo so rough it almost killed her. The chemo had to be stopped and it took like 6 months to stablize her during which time she was on Hospice care. Those not in the US Hospice is the program for people about to die so you do not tie the hospitals up having to constantly come in and a nurse practioner is assigned to you because they can prescribe medicine and treat you just as well as a doctor. Almost no one once put on hospice care live to have them take them off it. She did and was only recently put back on it.... it's hard to hear the fire in the voice of a loved one gone. When she came down before when I had gotten married she was out walking and doing more then all of us! Now she has lost massive amounts of weight and the easiet of things is tiring. She is what has given me a feeling of family and connection... of belonging and when she dies I will truly feel alone in this world. I have for years called her every week on Sunday night (because she was also doing stuff and I knew it would be one night she would be home lol). Now I think after she passes I will probably get my tefl cert and more computer cert and live the us and probably not have real communication with my family until someone dies. I say this only because previously and even with living in NY now I hear from them almost never. I think it's part of why I like being married so much because I felt like part of a nice loving family... but that is another story. lol  I need strength for this weekend to keep the brave silly face that she loves to make her transition easier. My family is crazy enough and making dying hard enough on her she doesn't need her favorite grandchild making it harder lol Although I think I'm the favorite because I'm the most sane also. lol Well at least I can still some humor in all this so it's not a total loss, right?  Say prayers for her passing to be gentle and easy.... I am pretty.. be through already in life I'll get through it she go be with Jesus and I'm happy her pain will be gone. The saying is it's not the destination but the journey and in this it's never more true.. it's not her dying that bothers as much as her suffering before it! Man I need a hug but if I had one I think all the blocks I've built to keep my strong happy go lucky persona would start to crack and then totally break, at least for a second. I know it's good to let yoru emotions and I'm verbally crying my eyes out to you guys through my fingers. She is under enough stress dealing with my crazy mother and aunt she doesn't need anymore. So I must be strong for her to help her start of her transition to be easier. Well work is almost done and it is time to head out to catch the train upstate.... Wish me luck straing and a joyval heart to make my nana smile and fill her heart with joy this weekend.  Be safe everyone

paulgh3rd, I have great emphathy for you. Your journal entry brings back mixed memories of my own Nana's passing. I too felt alone, but was heartened by the many good loyal friend of hers who came out of the woodwork. Friends I was never aware of, they shared their experiences with her as I shared mine and together we rejoiced at her life as well as morned her passing. Nothing can prepare you for her passing but I hope and pray you have all the support you need. Please know you have mine. All the best waza

Hope for the best, is all you can do.....and when you see her, remember all the good memories.......

Mate it's very sad when a relative or love one has to die,I sort of call it a the roll call to heaven.

I'm not religious but some things around me lately have made me think there has to be a God some where out there and when you think of all the different ways people live and die its as if it has to be,and no one is smart enough to change that.

At least Paul your grand mother lived her life and she fought right to the end to preserve that.

We all must go some time and at times we wonder why we even live,but the deep down reasons are because earth is here for all of us and for us to use to the very last minute of our lives.

Cheer up Paul and try be as gracious as your grand mother.

It's hard when the loved ones are going. The only one alive is my grandmother for my mother's part and I love her the most and it's really hard for me to see her getting more and more old and I know that I might not be arounf when she's going to go Just keep them alive in your memories and even if hard, you'll still gonna have her beside you somehow. Good luck!

sorry to hear that, speechless!

...be strong my friend...

I hope she passes away peacefully.

I know it will be a long and dreary trip. But do what you have to do. Let her leave with fond memories and love.