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At the same day (22.02.10) I submitted support documents she called me (girl from the embassy.), she was friendly and while she talking I feel as if she smile or giggle to me. Probably my romantic Journals or those photos were entertains her. She offers me a Limited Purpose Visa. I applied for Visitor visa but it’s ok to get Limited Purposed.

I have my visa granted on 25.02.10 and when I look at my passport I feel as if they stamp on my forehead as “this girl is under custody of Mr. Kiwi†I couldn’t help but think, am I an 8 years old girl or a misbehave *****? And they specific date of arrive and return as well.

When I back at my work place my colleague ask if she can look at my passport, I told her that I’m not proud to show but ok, and when she look at my passport:

Friend: If you broke up with him and have a new bf you got to get a new passport or your new bf would think you are sluttish *****.

Me: Make sense.

Mr. Kiwi & I have a rocky & tough relationship since the first start I thought it wouldn’t be last this long. Most of my friends say “your long distant relationship will never work and is already doomedâ€. And of course I hurt and fear and angry but I try to be strong while my relationship being criticize badly. Sometimes I angry at him because I think he would be a part of ruin it.

But when I thought of how he would feel when I’ve done silly things. I recalled what he has said to me in some words he seem hurts and angry “What it done it done - I hate when I make you weak & insecure - and I worried about your worriedâ€. I’ve never been loved by a man as a lover I never know what it feel like to be love but I used to lie myself that someone love me. Now I know how it feels when someone loves me and this is what I wanted and what I long for since I was a child. I really afraid that I would ruin my relationship by my hands due to inexperienced.

I created profile in early 2007 and I used to have a big crush on a hot guy in mid of 2008. My cousin is a part of building a crush…. After Leo party, she told me about this hot guy said he is great in bed by issue warrantee and confirm 1000% that he is the Lord of …. I don’t believe her though she is a big fan of Cleo & Cosmo magazine doesn’t mean she knows everything since she was virgin by that time. I was curious and look at his profile pics, his body is just like my cousin said.

There was another party and this time I called my friend Ms. HR to join event, and when she heard Mr. E name she was chuckles and said “he is an energetic man†and continue talking this and that I asked her how could she know “we used to date before†said she. I was so excited how my friend and cousin knowing about this guy so well. And at party that night I was so drunk and he looks so handsome. The reason I crush on him because his dark, blue beautiful eyes, not because he has a big gun that can bullet trigger non stop like M16. In fact he’s a nice, fun & good looking guy.

I was being warned by a cousin who guarantee his sexuality and friends over his popularity he probably interested to sex me but after knowing that my role is poor he probably dump me over night. I was so scared because I know I’m plain. Yes, I wear granny underwear and never have g string due to difficult & complicated to wear. I supposed to have bigger hip & thighs but due to malnutrition so…..

Not so long he got himself a gf who really gorgeous, smart and beautiful girl, they are perfect couple and they both hot & popular. They show up in the events occasionally but I never say hi to them because I afraid his gf would not satisfy if she saw my eyes said that I’m a secret admirer of your bf. So I never talk to them since then.

I tell Ms. HR that “hey, you know your ex date is a hot guy now on TF†and “ Yayy….i’m so glad that I’m the first person who got his pure coconut milk†said she. I don’t know what exactly mean but presumed something great has been taken away…(too bad na)

In early 2009 there was a farewell event that Mr. E was going to the southern I thought I would never see him again so I join the party for our last meet. That night while I was sitting and I turn to look around my face bump to his, my nose feel his and that was …..& embarrass moment but act nonchalant because afraid some one would notice.

And that night I met another hot guy who gave me something, something that I wouldn’t forget. He is a kiwi (Mr. N) who has present personality and harmless. We have same drinks that night as Coke can. Ever since I met him I know this is my stereotype of man who calm and stable mind. And Mr. Kiwi who is matching to my stereotype.

Confession of the sin

I dream of Mr. E two days before the poor event, in the dream I was walk beside him as if we were gf/bf. My friend told me that he is stay in my subconscious. I keep asking myself if that is true. Think of when I felt hurt he always in my imagination, imagine I go to him though I don’t know where he lives but it’s good to forget trauma even just temporarily. How could I have this feeling, the feeling of intimate with someone mentality but in reality I hardly meet & talk to that person probably when I log in I always see his profile most of the time. Some of my friends call him “your dream guy†I know I always create another world when I’m in state of trauma since I was a child when I’m alone and hungry I always imagine that someone gives me my favorite foods and I be around by family & relatives, they are all love me.

At the pool event I was in his arms in the pool and he said “sorry I didn’t meant it†I told him no need to say sorry I didn’t angry at him. And at the same time I want to comfort him by give him peck on his cheeks but every time I was about to peck he turn his lips to meet mine. And I was still and thought†what am I going to do next? What a well etiquette do if she were me? Bite or chew?.

How do I feel while I’m in these guys’arms? (Mr. E, N & Kiwi)

It’s good and always good Mr. N used to say while I’m holding and pecking his cheeks “hugging is good naâ€. Don’t guess me wrong I only hug & peck them nothing sexually except one. I met these gentlemen on TF and I do sexual harassed them but none were serious case, if I did have sex with one of them and when I met him I would non stop thinking that oh I have shag this guy and how many people know about this? Lol….

I’m glad that I have an opportunity to hug them even if I don’t get their coconut milk but hope some TF girls would get it for me na please …lol…..

I am still their secret admirer of two gentlemen, sometimes when I log out I always come back to look at their profile, I don’t want to freak them out and don’t want them know I’m a stalker..lol…. I thought some of you probably know who they are, I like them but I love Mr. Kiwi. Though when I’m hurt I always think that “maybe he doesn’t mean to be but if he doesn’t, then who?â€

Yesterday at lunch with two virgin friends I told them about Mr. Kiwi tell me he loves me and this is the first time of my life I ever heard. One of a friend said “you are lucky that you heard once and please think of who never heard and never will†I realized that I should shut my mouth when I saw my friends appearances.

I was thinking of my other friends who told me she love hunting only deep sea fish which is a big fish and some said they love hunting brackish fish. I was thinking of my ability of hunt for a moment and I told them that “I enjoy hunting anchovy because it’s easier to catchâ€. Sometimes life can be cruel and that is why I don’t want to have daughter because I don’t want she suffer and cry like me.

I going to fly tomorrow and i'm so excited…..

Now I don’t to miss a chance being with him I want to try everything same as people in general because

I never bewith a man days & nights and now I’m going to……

Last night my friend Ms. Mistress call me ask if I could bring her a Kiwi guy who doesn’t horny like dog but someone who sweet & romance, and if any guy have such quality please feel free to contact me.

I got to see Green Zone this evening with my cousin before leaving…what a lovely day!!!!