The 213 Things Skippy is No Longer Allowed to Do in the U.S. Army

Once upon a time, there was a SPC Schwarz stationed with the Army in the Balkans. SPC Schwarz was either very clever or very bored; but probably both, since he managed to attempt or be warned about 213 things he wasn't allowed to do. He collected those things into a hillarious list and posted them to the web. To enjoy the list in full go to :

http://www.skippyslist.com/skippylist.html

My personal favotites, well here they are...

6. Not allowed to play 'Pulp Fiction' with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.

7. Not allowed to add 'In accordance with the prophesy' to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.

8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters.

9. Not allowed to title any product 'Get Over it'.

23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking crack.

24. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it's true.

31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.

32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.

33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.

34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.

35. Not allowed to sing 'High Speed Dirt' by Megadeth during airborne operations. ('See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker')

36. Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn't over).

37. Our medic is called 'Sgt Larwasa', not 'Dr. Feelgood'.

38. Our supply Sgt is 'Sgt Watkins' not 'Sugar Daddy'.

39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.

40. I do not have super-powers.

41. 'Keep on Trucking' is *not* a psychological warfare message.

42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in recruitment posters.

43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.

46. I am not authorized to fire officers.

49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for 'magic beans'.

50. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.

53. Not allowed to quote 'Full Metal Jacket ' at the rifle range.

54. 'Napalm sticks to kids' is *not* a motivational phrase.

57. The proper response to a lawful order is not 'Why?'

62. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.

63. Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.

65. There are no evil clowns living under my bed.

67. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.

68. I may not line my helmet with tin foil to ?Block out the space mind control lasers'.

69. May not pretend to be a facist stormtrooper, while on duty.

77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."

81. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.

86. May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the 'field of honor'.

87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

90. Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection.

91. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.

94. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.

95. I am not in need of a more suitable host body.

100. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.

102. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war".

103. My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and I should stop implying that he did.

105. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.

106. I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD?s.

113. There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from 'Full Monty' every time I hear the song "Hot Stuff".

118. Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires - therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.

119. I cannot arrest children for being rude.

123. I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.

124. Two drink limit does not mean first and last.

125. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.

126. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.

130. 'I'm drunk' is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.

131. No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #113.

135. An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.

136. Shouting 'Let's do the village! Let's do the whole f***ing village!' while out on a mission is bad.

141. Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove ?The Pen is Mightier than the sword?.

142. 'Calvin-Ball' is not authorized PT.

145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.

146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.

148. Putting red 'Mike and Ike's' ® into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.

150. On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle.

151. The proper way to report to my Commander is 'Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir' not 'You can't prove a thing!'

158. The revolution is not now.

160. No part of the military uniform is edible.

162. Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.

165. I do not get 'that time of month'.

166. No, the pants are not optional.

174. Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it's actually DOD policy).

175. We do not 'charge into battle, naked, like the Celts'.

178. I am not 'A lesbian trapped in a man's body'.

179. On Army documents, my race is not 'Other'.

184. When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something 'I saw in a cartoon'.

186. I am not the Emperor of anything.

187. Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes.

188. May not challenge officers to 'Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn'.

191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.

192. The proper response to a briefing is not 'That's what you think'.

194. Shouldn't take incriminating photos of my chain of command.

195. Shouldn't use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command.

198. Not allowed to lead a 'Coup' during training missions.

199. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.

200. My chain of command is not interested in why I 'just happen' to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car.

210. Must not make T-shirts up depciting a pig with the writing "Eat Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country.

211. Don't ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down.

LMAO thank god I didn't see this years ago...I got into enough trouble back then

Hey sarge the Napoleon complex does not make you a better leader "a D..original"

LMFAO. i think he is here in Najaf.

I had to explain why Camouflage body paint is not a uniform to a young Marine. This was after he was dragged out of the female barracks by the MPs. (Don't ask)

I was a little worried some of you US. X-Marines might take this link the wrong way. I was especially a little worried about how I_love_som_tam would take it as I know he is putting his life on the line in Iraq - so I'm especially glad he liked it..

My personal personal favorite must still be nr. 77. (Just writing this makes me smile!)

Wish "WAR" was always this fun!

C.