Funniest Things You've Overheard In Thailand

[FarangFarang]

I always love overhearing little snippets of conversations.  Here are some of the favorite things I've overheard in Thailand or ran across on the interwebs.

 

 

No, you were trying to reason with a soi dog. That’s not “mostly sober.” 

 

 

 

You pretty much know how the rest of the day is going to go when first thing in the morning you start off with getting bum gun splashback in your face. 

 

 

That girl is like a booger you can’t quite flick off your finger.

 

 

Not “making an ass out of myself” drunk. I’m talking about “getting home and only having one shoe” type of drunk. 

 

 

Being monogamous in Thailand is like super-gluing sand paper to your palms.

 

 

I have yet to find a surface that Thais cannot sleep on. Absolutely amazing balance. 

 

 

 

Getting punched in the face has to be a known occupational hazard when your job is giving shoulder massages in the men’s room.

 

 

There are only two correct ways to handle a Thai woman. Unfortunately, neither of them work. 

 

Thai woman on phone in English: “You are a liar. You promised to buy me breast plantations.” 

 

 

Trust me, Bangkok during the hot season, with no aircon, is the last place on earth you want to wake up with a hangover. 

 

 

I don’t think the drunk me and the sober me would get along. Different politics, different taste in women, different friends. 

 

 

Never trust another guy with your girlfriend or your money. Actually, you shouldn’t trust your girlfriend with another guy or your money either.

 

 

Guy on his mobile: Help me. I’m in a bar talking to a woman missing a front tooth. And she’s the hot one. Come get me! 

 

 

I’m not advocating going out and getting totally wasted but if you’re going to drink there’s no point going half-way with it.

 

 

Complicated? No, not at all. We just have sex with each other until one of us finds something better. 

 

 

There are few things as disappointing in life than meeting a girl, dating her a few times, and then you meet her younger, hotter sister. 

 

 

I’m just saying, if you have a choice, never pick the one with the scorpion tattoo. Trust me on that! 

 

 

All of these fortune tellers are out of business as soon as someone makes a Magic 8 Ball in Thai

 

 

 

It’s uncomfortable when you’re out with a girl and run into an ex. It’s embarrassing when you run into two ex’s. It’s time to go the **** home when the third ex shows up.

 

 

Nobody complains if you take a car to a mechanic before buying it. When you buy a house you have an inspector come out and inspect it for possible problems. But women, you don’t get that. No returns. No refunds. Let the buyer beware.

 

 

 

I’ve reached a new low. I was someone’s pity ****. In the morning when I asked for her phone number she gave me 300 baht and told me her phone was broken. 

 

 

You haven’t lived until you’ve spent the night drinking Thai whiskey with your building security guards.

 

 

My body is a temple. An old, dilapidated, beer soaked, disease ridden temple. But a temple all the same

 

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No, it’s a really nice place. A “have to wear shoes and pants” type of place.

 

 

Sometimes deja vu isn’t deja vu. Sometime it’s simply you remembering bits of a night when you were black out drunk

 

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Liver transplants are cheap here in Thailand, right?

 

 

Nothing good ever comes from a 4am stop at the Family Mart

 

 

It was one of those nights where I don’t think I’ll be going back down to Nana until my appearance changes significantly enough that nobody recognizes me.

 

 

I look at it this way, I can live in Bangkok and drink away my problems every night or I can go back home and pay a therapist to help me sort through my problems. From a financial perspective, drinking wins every time.

 

 

People who live paycheck to paycheck disgust me. How the hell am I supposed to borrow money at the end of the month?

 

 

Feels like I spent the night sucking out a soi dog’s a**hole

 

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I’m not taking financial advice from someone who needs a calculator to sum up my bar tab of two beers at 120 baht each.

 

 

Sometimes getting blackout drunk and trying to speak German to a bunch of gogo dancers is the way to go. Most of the time, it’s not though. 

 

 

Guy 1: I’ve been married five times, I know a thing or two about Thai women. 

 

Guy 2: Actually, it sounds like you don’t know **** about Thai women. 

 

Guy 1: Who was that? 

 

Guy 2: Some girl I met down in Phuket, calling to see if I’m still coming down on holiday next month. 

 

Guy 1: Why does she want to know? 

 

Guy 2: Who knows? Maybe she’s applying for a loan and needs to show proof of income.

 

 

When we got back to my place she opened a bottle of beer with her teeth.  I’m not sure if that turned me on or scared the **** out of me. 

 

 

When people back home email and ask what they should do when they’re in Bangkok they should specify whether they mean stuff they can go back home and tell people about or stuff that should never be mentioned again.  

 

 

 

When I went to take a shower there were teeth marks in the soap. I’m like WTF?!?

 

 

Did I punch you in the **** last night?

 

 

Waitress: You’re fat! 

 

Farang Customer: Haha, yes, I’m pom pui. 

 

Waitress: No, you’re fat.

 

 

I’m not sure who was more drunk, me or the motorcycle taxi driver. But I’ll tell you this much, I’m glad it was him weaving in and out of pedestrians and not me. 

 

 

I don’t know what happened. We were talking and the next thing I know she throws a bunch of coins at me and runs away crying. All she left was one flip-flop. Maybe she’s some sort of Thai Cinderella or something.

 

 

It just feels so weird having to go to a premium market to get Kraft macaroni and cheese. 

 

 

Sooner or later every expat thinks he can make a killing running a bar.  It’s human nature.

 

 

The one thing you learn living in Thailand is to just get rid of the phrase, “What could possibly go wrong?”  Believe me, if it can go wrong it will. 

 

 

Yeah, a cobra in the toilet.  Talk about a wakeup call.

 

 

Guy on the phone:  What do you mean, how do you get here?  You ******* recommended the place, a**hole.  

 

 

Arguing with a Thai woman is like slamming your hand in a car door.  Except less fun.

 

 

Anybody who thinks that Thai women are passive and submissive has obviously never pissed one off.

 

 

So there I was one night, riding an elephant from Soi Cowboy to The Thermae. Of course, I was drunk.

 

 

A transvestite, a midget, and a hooker walk into a bar . . . no, that’s not the beginning of a joke. That actually happened last night.

 

 

Thai Girl: Read your horoscope.

 

Farang Guy: I don’t believe in that stuff. I don’t care what it says.

 

Thai Girl: Please!!! Read me your horoscope.

 

At this point the guy reads the horoscope which mentions three different times that he shouldn’t give money to anyone this week. It said that people would be better served with his advice than his money.

 

Farang Guy: Well, looks like you’re screwed. It says I shouldn’t give you any money.

 

Thai Girl gets a pouty face.

 

Farang Guy: Som nam na

 

 

Guy #1: Masterbate?!?! Who the hell masterbates in Thailand? 

 

Guy #2: Yeah, I’m pretty sure you have to have a work permit to do that. 

 

What are yours?

[Admin_2]

I think some of mine are already in there!

 

One of my favorites is the Thai Cinderella one, lol.