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Chuck Norris

Japhrodisiac

By Japhrodisiac,
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Japhrodisiac Newbie

Japhrodisiac

Posted
Posted

A friend just emailed this to me, maybe someone here will get a kick out of it. :

I usually dont send these, but this one I couldn't resist ...

>

> Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the

>probability

>of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

>

> To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked

>15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds

>of

>cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that,

>Lance Armstrong.

>

> The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

>

> If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck

>Norris

>you may be only seconds away from death.

>

> According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually

>roundhouse kick you yesterday.

>

> Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and

>unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was

>finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul

>back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he

>should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of

>the month.

>

> A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't

>you

>know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this

>man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was

>a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

>

> When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for

>Chuck Norris.

>

> When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes

>only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has

>not had to pay taxes ever.

>

> As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in

>the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972

>Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional

>football

>history.

>

> A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for

>handicapped

>people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck

>Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

>

> Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the

>best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst

>mistake anyone has ever made.

>

> Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

>

> Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry;

>the

>man ate a live Indian.

>

> If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the **** down.

>

> The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

>

> Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the

>information he wants.

>

> Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could

>chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME

>IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his

>girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with

>Chuck!"

>Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and

>laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went

>deaf.

>

> Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is

>afraid

>of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

>

> Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the

>bear

>his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the

>less

>painful way to die.

>

> Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck

>Norris

>

> If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds

>till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the

>face.

>

> Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was

>removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse

>kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

>

> Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a

>stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.

> Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had

>gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to

>remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh

>away.

>

> Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you're still

>alive, it's because Chuck Norris loves you.

>

> Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.

>

> There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris

>allows to live.

>

> In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it

>notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in

>the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.

>

> In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use

>to kill you, including the room itself.

>

> Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of

>tennis.

>

> Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

>

> When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and

>instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

>

> Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

>

> When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The

>water gets Chuck Norris instead.

>

> Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

>

> Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

>

> When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.

>

> Chuck Norris killed Santa Clause.

>

> Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

>

> Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned

>beverage.

>We know this beverage as Red Bull

>

> Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK

>assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,

>deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement

>

> Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead

>decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he

>grew a beard

>

> A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck

>Norris

>did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

>

> Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks

>

> When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from

>cholera

>or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no

>wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He

>always makes it to Oregon before you

>

> Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of

>"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous

>of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have

>Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse

>kick related deaths.

>

> The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck

>Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and

>starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from

>drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too

>much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

>

>

> By Presidential decree, everytime Chuck Norris touches up his beard the

>trimmings are gathered and buried at Arlington Cemetary with full honors.

>

> Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are

>in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Vin

>Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies, "I believe...

>I should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness and

>pride."

>Arnie says, "I believe... that I should be the one sitting next to you

>because of all my achievements." God then turns to Chuck Norris, who

>replies

>with, "I believe... you are sitting in my seat old man."

>

> On August 12th of the year 1349, Chuck Norris used the Lord's name in

>vain. Some priests then tried to burn him at the stake for blasphemy. Right

>before they would light the fire, God came down and said "Hey assholes,

>give

>him a ******* break. Its ******* Chuck Norris. Christ." In case you were

>wondering, when I say "used the Lord's name in vain," the name to which I

>refer is Chuck Norris.

>

> Chuck Norris once pulled a bus full of school children teetering over

>the

>edge of a cliff back onto the road with his bare hands, saving everybody

>inside. Even as they cheered, he screamed, "I'm not your savior!" and

>headbutted the bus over the edge, sending them all to their horrible doom.

>

> Chuck Norris swears he didn't sleep with your wife. Yes, it is strange

>that your children show an affinity for Texas justice and beard

>cultivation.

>No, Chuck Norris does not know why your wife can only climax when you wear

>a

>karate uniform. Chuck Norris thinks you are asking the kind a questions a

>person asks when they want to be kicked in the face.

>

> CNN was originally the "Chuck Norris Network" but was later changed to a

>news station because the awesomeness of a Chuck Norris network kept blowing

>up satellites, TVs, and viewers' eyeballs.

>

> A long time ago, waiters and waitresses at Chineese retaurants used to

>bring your fortune out on a piece of paper. One day Chuck Norris didn't

>like

>his fortune so he round house kicked all of the men in the retaurant and

>they instantly died (on a side note, all of the men's wives and mother

>became instantly pregnant). After that he ate all the Asian children under

>the age of 9 within 9 city blocks. Because of this disaster, all Chineese

>retaurants employ the "fortune cookie" method of defense which gives people

>a few moments to escape while the cookie is broken and the fortune is read.

>It also helps that they stopped using rude fortunes, like the one Chuck got

>that day that said "Buddha is stronger than Chuck Norris." So, next time

>you

>enjoy a fortune cookie, and think that it is very nice to get a free

>cookie,

>remember that the waiter and waitress are just trying to protect

>themselves.

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Loburt Newbie

Loburt

Posted
Posted

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and

>unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was

>finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul

>back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he

>should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of

>the month.

No wonder he took his soul back. The devil didn't keep his end of the bargain. Chuck Norris is ugly.

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