Random Jokes

[jdudley]

Where is your threshold of morality...

A bloke caught me shagging his wife the other day.

He phoned me up this evening and said, "I'm gonna get you back"

I said, "Really? I was that good?"

[digitalcat]

Translated (Poorly) From Russian:

Man1:

"Hey you want to have a 3some?"

Man2:

"Hell yes!!"

Man1:

"How about me you and your wife?"

Man2:

"Oh no no"

Man1:

"Then I guess it's just me and her"

[jdudley]

A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with **** like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere."

[jdudley]

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, my wife and I listened to the instructor declare, 'it is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

He addressed the men: 'can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

I leaned over, touched my wife's arm gently and whispered, 'self-raising, isn't it?'

[digitalcat]

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, my wife and I listened to the instructor declare, 'it is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

He addressed the men: 'can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

I leaned over, touched my wife's arm gently and whispered, 'self-raising, isn't it?'

huh?

[jdudley]

try this one...:

A mother, cleaning her son's room, finds an S&M magazine under the bed.

Upset, she immediately shows the magazine to her husband.

"Well?" his wife asks. "What do you think we should do?"

"I'm not sure," the father replies. "But we certainly shouldn't spank him."

[English_Bob]

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, my wife and I listened to the instructor declare, 'it is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

He addressed the men: 'can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

I leaned over, touched my wife's arm gently and whispered, 'self-raising, isn't it?'

huh?

It's a pun on 'flower' and 'flour'. :wink:

An Irish guy catches his son with a bag of cocaine in his room.

Roughly, he grabs his son by the neck and shouts, "If I catch you messing around with that stuff again, I'll rub your feckin' nose in it!"

[jdudley]

Dictionary For Womens Personal Ads

40ish..............................................49

Adventurous........................................Slept with all your mates

Athletic...........................................No ****

Average looking....................................Has a face like an arse

Beautiful..........................................Pathological liar

Contagious smile...................................Does a lot of pills

Educated...........................................F**ked to death at college

Emotionally secure.................................On medication

Feminist...........................................fat

Friendship first...................................Former slut/born again virgin

Fun................................................Annoying

Gentle.............................................Dull

Good listener......................................Autistic

New Age............................................Body hair problems

Old fashioned......................................No blow jobs or anal

Open minded........................................Desperate

Outgoing...........................................Loud and embarrassing

Passionate.........................................Sloppy drunk

Poet...............................................Depressive

Professional.......................................*****

Romantic...........................................Fridgid

Social.............................................Fanny like a clowns pocket

Voluptuous.........................................Very fat

Large lady.........................................Hugely fat

Wants soulmate.....................................Stalker

Widow..............................................Murderer

[Stramash]

sadochist and a masochist walking down the street...

the masochist goes ' hurt me, hurt me'

and the sadist turns round and says 'no'

[jdudley]

According to the BBC website, 'cocaine users are getting younger'.

I have always avoided illegal narcotics but, now I've found out that they actually reverse the ageing process, I'm going to give them a bash.

[jdudley]

A bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'

She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'

'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.'

'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman, 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But, where did you get the tools?'

'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the South side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'

The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place', she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'

'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.'

'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.'

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes .....

He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....

'F**king hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?'

[stegee]

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, my wife and I listened to the instructor declare, 'it is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

He addressed the men: 'can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

I leaned over, touched my wife's arm gently and whispered, 'self-raising, isn't it?'

huh?

It's a pun on 'flower' and 'flour'. :wink:

An Irish guy catches his son with a bag of cocaine in his room.

Roughly, he grabs his son by the neck and shouts, "If I catch you messing around with that stuff again, I'll rub your feckin' nose in it!"

it's funny because he's oirish and he can't pronounce '*******'!! :wink: