A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and
made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van
ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make
such an obvious error, he replied,
"Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. ...
I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
Chuck Norris has a pet kitten……. every night for a snack.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a beverage. We know this drink as Red Bull.
When we punch the elevator button twice, nothing, when Chuck does it, hello turbo mode.
Chuck Norris can believe it’s not butter.
Any tfers play chess? go to www.gameknot.com free online chess against people from all over the world. 3 days per move if you desire.challenge me: lizardo
Nightclubs are hell. What's cool or fun about a thumping, sweaty dungeon full of posing idiots?
Charlie Brooker
Monday August 13, 2007
The Guardian
I went to a fashionable London nightclub on Saturday. Not the sort of sentence I get to write very often, because I enjoy nightclubs less than I enjoy eating wool. But a glamorous friend of mine was there to "do a PA", and she'd invited me and some curious friends along because we wanted to see precisely what "doing a PA" consists of. Turn
The Threatening Storm
By MICHAEL GRUNWALD
Workers from the Army Corps of Engineers finish the last part of the new flood wall at the 17th Street Canal in New Orleans, La., on July 2, 2007.
Kadir Van Lohuizen for TIME
The most important thing to remember about the drowning of New Orleans is that it wasn't a natural disaster. It was a man-made disaster, created by lousy engineering, misplaced priorities and pork-barrel politics. Katrina was not the Category 5 killer the Big Easy had always fe
SUMMER CLASSES FOR MEN
AT
THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY August 29, 2007
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets
Tony Blair called John Prescott into his office one
day and said,
'John I have a great idea! We are going to go all
out to win back
Middle England'.
'Great idea Tony, how will we go about it?' said
Prescott.
'Well' said Blair, 'we'll get ourselves one of those
long Barbour coats, some proper wellies, a stick and a flat cap,
oh and a Labrador.
Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice
old country pub, in Much Something or other or one of those villages a
To make a woman happy ...... A man only needs to be:
1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Int
thuink i have a virus just in my hotmail msn messenger.....keeps sending shitty oddball messages to my contacts. I have antivir guard protection and scans don't find it. Help before i am ostracized!!
my friend has purchased an annual membership for Pattaya california wow but now she is moving back to Bangkok so wants to sell it.....anyone live in Pattaya interested pm me...
I was driving up the Massachusetts Turnpike one evening last February when I knocked over a bottle of water. I grabbed for it, swerved inadvertently--and a few seconds later found myself blinking into the flashlight beam of a state trooper. "How much have you had to drink tonight, sir?" he demanded. Before I could help myself, I blurted out an answer that was surely a new one to him. "I haven't had a drink," I said indignantly, "since 1981." It was both perfectly true and very pertinent to the t
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the Great Fire of 1
kiwis and aussies keep your sheep....us brits like our cows... note how the cow's face has been blacked out to protect its identityhttp://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2007310136,00.html
I take it you already know
Of tough and bough and cough and dough?
Others may stumble, but not you
On hiccough, thorough, slough and through?
Well done! And how you wish, perhaps,
To learn of less familiar traps?
Beware of heard, a dreadful word
That looks like beard and sounds like bird.
And dead; it's said like bed, not bead;
For goodness sake, don't call it deed!
Watch out for meat and great and threat,(they rhyme with suite and straight and debt).
A moth is not a moth in mother
1. When I was born, I got a choice - A big **** or a good memory. I am not able to remember, what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Everytime you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and "stop", unless they are used together.
6. Pant
Mari Ramos....CNN...please....somebody...silence this shril, squeaky, warbling woman....her voice drives me to the point of distraction.... doesn't she breathe ?....20 sentences without breathing....what kind of devil spawn wailing banshee is she? business traveller's advisory??? what the feck... it's the weather....my lord.... i guess i could turn over but please.......silence this broad!
During a state visit to China in 1986, he famously told a group of British students: "If you stay here much longer, you'll all be slitty-eyed".
He also asked a driving instructor in Oban, Scotland: "How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test?"
"British women can't cook." (1966)
"Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed." (during the 1981 recession)
"We didn't have counsellors rushing aroun
18 WAYS TO TURN DOWN UNWANTED ADVANCEMENTS!!!!
HE : Can I buy you a drink?
SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money.
HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE : I must've been given your share.
HE : Will you go out with m