I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
~~~
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
~~~
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
~~~
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
~~~
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
~~~
If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride side saddle.
~~~
What is a 'free' gift? Aren't all gifts free?
~~~
Someone told me I was gullible and I believe
HER DIARY:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, t
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.
It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1960.
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
Done that!
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail!
That too!
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
Yep!
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
Who me?
5. Causes you to forget to attach the atta
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this
a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. Thought for the day:
An old, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side.
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweller said.
The you
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .'
The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'
The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be'?
The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'
The first guy responds, 'So am I!'
'Sure and begorrah. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?
The other guy says, 'A lovely little area
One Monday morning the Post man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.??His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
'Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.
Bob, in obvious pain, replies, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday mo
Three women turned up at hospitals over a 5-day period, all with the same symptoms.
Fever, chills, and vomiting, followed by muscular collapse, paralysis and finally, death.
There were no outward signs of trauma.
Autopsy results showed toxicity in the blood. These women did not know each other and seemed to have nothing in common. It was discovered, however, that they had all visited the same Restaurant (Olive Garden , Western Cape ) within days of their deaths. The Health Department desce
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.
Her business has gone bust and she?s in dire financial straits. She?s so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray? ?God, please help me. I?ve lost my business and if I don?t get some money, I?m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery!
Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays? ?God, please let me win the lottery! I?ve lost my business, my house and I?m going to lose my car as well.?
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a Priest, said: 'I am a Father.'
The little boy replied: 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered: 'I am the Father of many.'
The boy said: 'My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The Priest, getting impatie
It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, 'Let's begin by reviewing some American History.
Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good!'
Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Chand
Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'
The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'
Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to live f
A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed haircut before his meeting tomorrow, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15,and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and trim.
Fifteen
As you may have heard the Bush administration said each and every American would now get a nice rebate. If that money was spent at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China. If spent on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs, if they purchase a computer it will all go to India, if they purchase fruit and vegetables it will all go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala, if they purchase a good car it will all go to Japan, if they purchase useless crap it will all go to Taiwan and none of it will help th
SIGNS OF OVARIAN CANCER (even in the absence of Ovaries)
THIS IS A MUST TO READ TO THE END
An Eye Opener on Ovarian Cancer
I hope you all take the time to read this and pass it on to all you can. Send this to the women in your life that you care about.
A few years ago, Gilda Radner died of ovarian cancer. Her symptoms were inconclusive, and she was treated for everything under the sun until it was too late. This blood test finally identified her illness but alas, too late. She wrote a bo
1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year- old shout from the back seat,
"Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
3) KETCH
For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an 'Australian treasure!'
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what th
A fellow checked into a hotel on a business trip recently and was a bit lonely so he thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in the Phone books under 'Escorts and Massages'. He opened the phone book to an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair; long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So he is in his room and figures, what the hell, h
Three Hillbilliess are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.
1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!... She bought an air conditioner. '
2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'
1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'
2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin ' machines!'
1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'
2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'
3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't n
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his t
A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghanistan Desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, 'Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have Molly The Camel.'
The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about 'urges',
An old man totters into a chemist's to buy Viagra tablets.
'Can I have 6 tablets? I need them cut into quarters'.
'I could cut them' said the chemist, 'but a quarter won't give you a full erection'.
'I'm 96 years old, I don't have much use for an erection - I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers'
At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a-tried to treat-a her nice, spend the money on her, but best of all is that I took-a her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!"
The Priest responded
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and h
