Have a wonderful day ! To all the TF girls !!
Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the heck happened.
- Cora Harvey Armstrong
Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies.
(Unknown)
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
- Janette Barber
My second favorite household chore is ironing.
A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups. And set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard.
As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the eyes of little boy. "Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies."
"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, "These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."
The boy dropped his he
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it th
A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip.. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd better buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone. He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and
- First Important Lesson - Cleaning Lady.
During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions until I read the last one:
'What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?'
Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name?
I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before cla
Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are....
Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)
First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you o
Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new holes.
Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5- days and if it doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble.
Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology.
When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology.
Q: Doctor: You look so weak & exhau
Makes sense to me!!
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, w
Now, here's one that's a bit different from the usual.
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tyres, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tyres, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is ... An auto parts store?
No," the cook said. "Three
That's why men should not be too happy that they have succeeded in "conquest" when the woman says "Yes"!
*When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flower.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to be liberated from?*
The average man's life consists of :
Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
Forty years of having his wife ask the same question;
and at the
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female....... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female..
There are 3 Male and 1 Female pencils in a box.
The Female pencil got pregnant !!
Which Male pencil is responsible?
THE ONE WITHOUT THE RUBBER.
Woman in bed with husband's best friend, phone rings! "YES".. OK, BYE".
She turns to her lover and says, THAT'S MY HUBBY, SAYS HE'S NOW GOLFING WITH YOU.
3 Roosters: normal, retarded and a gay.
Normal : cock-a-doodle-dooo !!!
Retarded : doodle-cock-a-dooo !!!
Gay : any-cock-will dooo !!!
3 Guys were introduced to a girl.
Hi,.... I'm Peter, no
After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization ", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.
Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"
Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"
Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "
Professor: "Okay, it's
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never
been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her oldHammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When
Well it was only a matter of time - hahahaaaaaa !!!!!!!!
Subject: VERY VERY URGENT
DEAR
PLEASE HANDLE IT' SECRET.
MY NAME IS MRS.NOI TAKSIN SHINAWATRA THE WIFE OF FORMER PRIME MINISTER OF THAILAND.WHO HAS JUST BEEN OVERTHROWN ON POWER BY THE THAILAND MILITARY GOVERNMENT ON THE [19TH OF SEPTEMBER 2006.]
RIGHT NOW WE ARE ON EXILE CURRENTLY IN LONDON, WITH MY HUSBAND. I AM CONTACTING YOU TO ASSIST ME FOR SECURING AND INVEST. I' HAVE THIS HUG OF MONEY IN MY CUSTODY WHICH I WANT YOU TO INVE
What does your brain consist of?
Here's what Bush got.
Bush got something wrong with his brain and he went to see a doctor.
After medical examination, doctor tells him:
"Your brain has two parts: one is left and another is right."
"Your left brain has nothing right. Your right brain has nothing left."
Let me tell you about my doctor. He is very good. If you tell him you want a second opinion, he will go out and come in again.
While he was talking to me his nurse came in and said,
"Doctor there is a man here who thinks he is invisible"
The doctor said "Tell him I can't see him."
Another time a man came running in the office and yelled,
"Doctor, doctor, my son just swallowed a roll of film."
The doctor calmly replied, "Let's just wait and see what develops."
One patient came in
Umm!! . . . . Food for thought !! Anyone got any answers to the reason(s) why this is so?
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my
A man walked into the ladies department of a Marks and Spencers and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. "
"What type of bra"? asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type'?
" Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable."Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from ."
Relieved, the man
After a month-long holiday in the US, a man and his wifefinally boarded the plane in San Francisco last Sunday heading home. As the plane reached cruising speed with the seat belt sign switched off, a 6 ft 3" black man with the build of Mike Tyson in the front row got up from his seat, turned to face the back, raised his arm and yelled, "HIJACK!"
Everyone was frozen to the seat, expecting the worst to happen. And two stewards were about to jump onto this guy to overpower him when another vo
A man who just died is delivered to a Kentucky mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. Bubba, the mortician, asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives Bubba a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my hu
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them his results after the examination.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning,hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?
"Ah," say
Well, it's **** ... that's right, ****!
**** may just be the most functional word in the English language.
You can smoke ****, buy ****, sell ****, lose ****, find ****, forget ****, and tell others to eat ****.
Some people know their ****, while others can't tell the difference between **** and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull ****, horse ****, and chicken ****.
You can throw ****, sling ****, catch ****, shoot the ****, or duck when the ****
I have two dogs and I was buying a large bag of Purina at Coles and standing in line at the check-out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the w
Reuter reports:
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Pakistan .
Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
The United States are sending troops to help.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Latin American countries are sending supplies.
New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle, foo
