A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more."I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any"."But I always buy it here," says the blonde."Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.."YES", said
A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage . When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time,
A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE AIRPORT, WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO CHICAGO.
SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, "I'LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME."
SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER NICKEL IN. OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, AND YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO."
THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY GIVES THE SAME
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device . . . . a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and large
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady,
'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.
'We can't chew th
Thought you'd all be interested in this. You are what you eat, so eat well. A stupendous
insight of civilizations past has now been confirmed by today's investigative, nutritional sciences. They have shown that what was once called "The Doctrine of Signatures" was astoundingly correct. It now contends that every whole food has a pattern that resembles a body organ or physiological function and that this pattern acts as a signal or sign as to the
benefit the food provides the eater. Here is j
Hava good larf and a gr8 weekend !!
Yes, it's again that magical time of the year when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us.
Here is the glorious Winner:
1. When his 38 - calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the Honourable Mentions:
2. The c
Investment tips for 2008~ For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations in 2008.
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) PolyGram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.
2007 - Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.
Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit
A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So.... What'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked a
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour.
This continued every day for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arri
Let's have a little letter fun!
When the letters in the following words or phrases
are simply rearranged, some very interesting ideas turn up...
Take a look!
A DECIMAL POINT
WHEN REARRANGED BECOMES
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE MORSE CODE
WHEN REARRANGED BECOMES
HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORY
WHEN REARRANGED BECOMES
DIRTY ROOM
ASTRONOMER
WHEN REARRANGED BECOMES
MOON STARER
DESPERATION
If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes" delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetises the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to c
GOTTA LEAVE IT TO THE MEDIA - 55555 !!
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter [imagine that!] Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really?] Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!] Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!] Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defen
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell
Electile Dysfunction:
"The inability to become aroused over any of the choices for president put forth by either party in the 2008 election year."
And if you have an electile and actually like one of the candidates for longer than four hours, see a doctor.
How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb? Woman's Answer:
One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some mi
New exercise routine. If you're over 40, you might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!
SCROLL DOWN... NOW SCROLL UP.. .
That's enough for the first day. Great job.
Have a Beer !!
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside withy only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying a mass for the poor creature?"Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do y
Number One Idiot of 2007
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that s
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Nancy asked if there was anything wrong,
'Yes, Nurse Nancy,' said Mr. Wallace,
'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad. '
'Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace, please accept my condolences.'
'The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hang
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!" "Sarah, Sarah," her moth
If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humor impaired!
The American Navy found they had too many officers and decided
To offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who
Volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured
In a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got
To choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of
Is head to the tip of his toes.
An elderly couple were attending a church service.
About half way through she leans over and says to her husband,
"I just let out a silent fart what do you think I should do?"
He replies,
"Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
