I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the
"Owners of capital will stimulate the working class to buy more and more of expensive goods, houses and technology, pushing them to take more and more expensive credits, until their debt becomes unbearable. The unpaid debt will lead to bankruptcy of banks, which will have to be nationalised and the State will have to take the road which will eventually lead to Communism."
- Karl Marx
Das Kapital 1867
Interesting that . . . .
As we age, we tend to end up seeing more of the medical establishment. For example, my doctor referred me to a female urologist.
I saw her yesterday and she is gorgeous.
She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy.
She told me that I have to stop masturbating.
When I asked her why, she said, 'Because I'm trying to examine you...'
A Somalian arrives in Melbourne as a new immigrant to Australia .
He stops the first man he sees walking down the street and says, 'Thank you Mr Australian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care and free education!'
The man says, 'You are mistaken, I am Pakistani.'
The Somali man goes on and encounters another passer-by. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in the Australia !'
This person says, 'I no Australian, me Polish.'
There was a man who worked for the Post Office in England whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.
He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Ch
Scenario : Jack goes rabbit shooting before school, pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his rifle & chats with Jack about guns.
2007 - School goes into lock down, Star Force called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his ute or gun again. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark
Will we miss him ? . . . . maybe !!
'The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.' - George W. Bush
'If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.' - George W. Bush
'One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.' - George W. Bush
'I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.' - George W. Bush
'The future will be better tomorrow.' - George W. Bush
Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk Samoan led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.
'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.
'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Maori clock' he drunkenly replied.
'A talking Maori clock - seriously?'
'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'
'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.
'Just watch' he said.
He picked up a hammer, gave the
Little Johnny's at it again.....
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his Priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The Priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The Priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and t
A nice, calm respectable lady went in to the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, " I would like to buy some Cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, " I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacists' eyes got big and he exclaimed. "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill you husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will
At Any Given Moment:
Fact: 79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.
Fact: 58,000,000 are kissing.
Fact: 37,000,000 are getting/giving oral sex.
Fact: 1 lonely bugger (YOU) is reading this journal . . . .
- You hang in there sunshine !!
The 7 Dwarfs went to the Vatican and because they were the Seven Dwarfsthey were immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy lead the pack.
"Grumpy, my son," said the Pope, "What can I do for you?"
Grumpy asked, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?"
The Pope wrinkled his brow at the odd question, thought for a moment, then answered, "No Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome ."
In the background a few dwarfs started giggling. Grumpy turned around and stared,
President George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, President Bush" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"
"Well Archie," George replied, "This is indeed important news ! How big is your army ?"
"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin H
Only 3 weeks to go to the start of the Aussie Football season !
I guess we have to " take a hard look at ourselves" so "we do not get ahead of ourselves"
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein." (Mick Malthouse - Collingwood).
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
(Peter Bell - Fremantle - on his University Law studies). Don?t use h
Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing - imagine that! When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup of uncooked popcorn
Salt & pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 220c.
Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper.
Fill cavity with stuffing and popc
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX
Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex.'
'Social Security sex?'
'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, 'I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell.'
'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is.'
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing hi
A Dog's Purpose (from a 6-year-old's perspective).
Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog's owners, Ron, his wife Lisa, and their little boy Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for a miracle.
I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family we couldn't do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home.
As we made arrangements, R
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight,' the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one.'
Prospective Employer to Applicant: " So why did you leave your previous job?"
Applicant: " The company relocated and they did not tell me where!"
Wife: " Sir, I would like to call on my husband who left me and brought all our five kids wth him."
Radio Host: " Ok, go ahead!"
Wife: " Sweetheart, please return back all the kids, actually only one of them is yours."
A North Carolina couple, both bonified rednecks, had nine children. they went to the doctor to see about getting the husband 'fixed'. The doctor gladly started expaining the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision. Why, after nine children would they choose to do this?
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexic
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives.
By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have finally found inner peace.
A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished, and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhardonay, a bodle of Baileys
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station....
and then the fight started....
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, bu