The maid wanted an increase in salary. The Madam was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a raise?"
Maria: Well Mdam, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.
Madam: Who said you iron better than me?
Maria: The Master said so.
Madam: Oh.
Maria: The second reason is that I'm a better cook than you.
Madam: Nonsense, who said you're a better cook than me?
Maria: The Master did.
Madam: Oh.
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused,
"Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to ge
Ever wondered why wedding dresses are white, well he's a possible answer.Son asked his mother the following question:
"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies,
"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says,
"Son, all household appliances come in white."
An old lady was standing at the rail of the cruise ship holding her hat so that the wind wouldn't blow it away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her & said, "Pardon me, madam, I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this wind?"
Yes, I know," said the lady. "But I need my hands to hold onto my hat."
"But madam, he said, "you must know that you're derriere is exposed!"
The woman looked down, then back up at the m
Many of us are guilty of looking at others our own age and thinking, "Surely, I can't be that old". If you've ever done this, then you'll appreciate the following.
My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.
I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a sec
FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP FOR ME....
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C. has recently revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United
Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.
The Indian man said to the American,"You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once.We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love.....I told them that openly and now
have a hell lot of family problems."
The American said, "Talking about love marriages...I'll tell you my story. I married a widow who
A man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine, who's sitting by herself.Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Maxine: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Maxine: "No, they spread
Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."
The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.
The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says,
Good
A New Plymouth Traffic Patrol Cop was watching for speeders with a mobile radar gun, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem. A 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money (and we used to just sell lemonade)?
Better
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through a pole mounted speed came
CEO and the Seed A successful businessman was growing old and knew it was time to choose a successor to take over the business. Instead of choosing one of his directors or his children, he decided to do something different.
He called all the young executives in his company together. "It is time for me to step down and choose the next CEO," he said. "I have decided to choose one of you."
The young executives were shocked, but the boss continued. "I am going to give each one of you a seed to
A little old Asian lady goes to the doctor in China, and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it doesn't bother me too much.....my farts never smell, and they're always quiet. But I've been doing it very often."
The doctor asks her to explain more, and the old lady says, "In fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You probably didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and they're silent."
The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and com
Does the crew sleep onboard?
What time is the midnight buffet?
Which elevator takes me to the front of the ship?
Do you generate your own electricity?
Is this island totally surrounded by water?
Is the water in the toilet salt or fresh?
What do you do with the ice carvings after they melt?
How high above sea level are we?
Was very depressed last night so I rang Lifeline. Got through to a call centre in Pakistan. Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane.
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the
batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they
know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four
billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but duck
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly in my all weather gear, made my lunch, locked up the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load my golf bag into the car, and proceeded to back out into a oriental downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 kph.
I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped ba
Ahmed and Hamid are both beggars at several motorway services in the UK. A hmed drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend. Hamid only brings in 2 to 3 pounds a day.
Hamid asks Ahmed how he manages to bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day.
Ahmed says, "Look at your sign,. It says, "I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.” Britons who see that do not feel as if they have accomplished anything by giving you money. You will stil
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa (somewhere in New Zealand wherever that is !!). He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not com
An elderly Polish man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite pierogi with fried onions wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
Downstairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon
HOW TO SPEAK NEW ZULANDER
(FOR BIST EFFICT, RID THESE OUT ALOUD)
* Milburn: Capital of Victoria
* Peck: To fill a suitcase
* Pissed Aside: Chemicals that kill insects
* Pigs: For hanging out washing
* Pug: Large pink animal with a curly tail
* Nin tin dough: Computer game
* Munner stroney: Soup
* Min: Male of the species
* Mess Kara: Eye makeup
* McKen
A Welsh farmer is walking through his field and sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand. The farmer shouts "Pai a yfed y dwr Mae'r gwartheg yn cachi yn dwr"
(Don't drink the water it's full of cow ****).
The man shouts back "I'm English, speak English, I don't understand you."
The farmer shouts back "Use both hands, you'll get more in."
A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning... Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he roars. Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do
Does anyone have or know of anyone who has a satellite dish (NOT UBC) attached to their house? I know condos and apartment buildings have them, but would like to see one at a person's home here in BKK. Also can you give me prices.
Thanx.
Does anyone have or know of anyone who has a satellite dish (NOT UBC) attached to their house? I know condos and apartment buildings have them, but would like to see one at a person's home here in BKK. Also can you give me prices.Thanx.
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to Death.
2nd woman: How Horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began
to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
