You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! .. . You don't even have to like them!
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we had put out in the backyard scooted back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in
At the end of a tiny, deserted bar in the NT is a huge Aboriginal bloke, 2 metres tall and 150 kilos, huge muscles. He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously homosexual man walks in and sits beside him.
After three or four beers the gay bloke finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Aboriginal. Leaning over towards the Aboriginal he whispers, 'Do you want a blow-job?' At this the massive Aboriginal leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland , CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police l
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi
'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?' Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.' Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?' Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.' Kiwi: (look of extreme shock) Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager) Dog: 'Yep' Ventriloquist: '
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor
arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed" she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "N
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR"The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year." They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR"The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You coul
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q. D
Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam
Now girls don't get upset at me. It's only what you want it to be !! So here's the tale:
One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who
surprisingly, did not whine, nag or ***** . . . . . . . .
But this was a long time ago . . . . . and it was just ONE day. The End
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager finally had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing m
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single- malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to
t
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should've known... ONLY women would
Two Irish engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde walked by and asks what they are doing.
Paddy said: "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder"
The blonde took a spanner from her purse, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down. She then pulled a tape measure from her pocket, took a few measurements and announced that it was eighteen feet and six inches. She then walked off.
Mick said: "Ain't that just like a bl
A Lovely Christmas Story
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip.... But there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Clause told Santa that her mother was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the Reindeer, he found that three of them wer
The love story of Ralph and Edna.
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of
Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.
Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.
"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell "One hundred and fifty pounds!" He'd yell back "Five pounds!"
One d
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who
The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.Obvious
The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad,
how many kinds of boobies are there?' The father, surprised, answers, 'Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.' 'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, 'Mom
These questions were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney
Dear All,
My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year....... I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat manure in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. I now scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
In fact all my money is gone but that will chan
For Those Age 50 and Holding
Q: Where can women over the age of 50 find young, sexy men, who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every
A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum:
Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?
I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here. I'm 25 this year. I'm very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above. You might say that I'm greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York . My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all
The flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc.
Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell and crew take you safely to your destination.
Stu, sitting in the eighth row, thought to himself 'Did I hear her right Is the captain a woman?'
When the attendant came by with the drink cart he said, 'Did I understand you right is the captain a woman'
Yes,' said the attendant 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'
An African ambassador visited Russia and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best
hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, 'As your stay is coming to an end, it's time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, an
