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"it's like watching a bunch of retards trying to hump a doorknob"....Dodge Ball

"it's better to burn out than to fade away"....Highlander

two of my favorite lines from the movies.....BUT what about one-liners you can take credit for yourself? I've been saying "just one of the many fine services I provide" for years and years and years....I'm not even sure if it's mine anymore?

Some others I'll take credit for:

"he's dumber than a lamp-post, and that's an insult to lamp-posts everywhere"

**insert random ________here**

There others I like.....

like 2unique's "St. Jay etc etc" signature...

Zeus's "careful observer"

Princess's quoting what other people have already said....

so....what are your favorite one-liners?

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I found a website with one liners. These are actual Newspaper headlines that I found funny.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

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Here are some of Rodney Dangerfield's best one liners:

A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.

And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing to play with.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy .... Hey buddy .... why are you doing that for? He said ...Because you came home early.

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father .... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ....but he pulled through.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him ..... do you think we'll ever find them? He said ...I don't know kid .... there are so many places they can hide.

On Halloween .... the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year... one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different...when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me? He said... I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright.... you're ugly too!

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face ... turned me over and said. Look ... twins!

I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. :lol::lol::lol::lol:

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You're so full of shite, every word you say is like a turd dropping in my drink.

She told me she was a virgin! Next thing I know I've got three pimps tryin' to flag my ride, telling me I'm in a Holy load of ****.....I just bought these sandals!

God created the world in seven days........that would explain why there are so many idiots!

I'm not an alcoholic.......people drink water to survive......I drink beer to make people more interesting.

And then there was 'light'.................and then 'ultra light' then people realised it's all the same.......by which time the Marlboro man was dying proof.

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