Dr_Sassy Posted February 7, 2007 Report Share Posted February 7, 2007 Is it appropriate for a girl who is in relationship to look for a new circle of friends (Male/Female). Let's say I'm not living in Thailand at the moment - I still don't know many places, I don't speak their language (I try and it sounds funny), I don't wanna stick around my bf the whole time as we need some s p a c e... For example, Friday night in Bkk, I used to go out with my friends - girls night out or a big bunch of male/female friends .. had casual dinner, talked, walked around or even went somewhere to take photos. Now I don't have those kinda friends (yet). If my bf has to fly to other country, I want new friends to take me out.. or I have something to do on my own. The point is.. what will "guys" think if I send a hello message saying that I am an expat living with my bf in this country and would love to have some new friends.. Many people have advised me that no matter how clear I say/make, they would assume that I do not have a healthy relationship and wanna get to know new guys just to get laid. What do I have to do to prove that my attention is to seek new "friends". Or it's not normal for a girl to do thing like this. I don't wanna sound like "hey.. I'm coming to blah blah.. I love your blah blah and wanna get to know you" :roll: Advice? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ngairo Posted February 7, 2007 Report Share Posted February 7, 2007 Makes sense... the only men you send 'Hello' message too hopefully know you... dosen't mean you won't get some TF nonsesnse...as you know.... Would be nice to know you enjoyed yourself with out any bla bla....u can... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kayle Posted February 7, 2007 Report Share Posted February 7, 2007 I agree with Periboea. No matter how healthy your relationship is start a friendship with a man while you have bunch of women who you can also be friend with is not easy to justify. Sending out a message on the internet to people esp. the opposite sex sounds a bit dodgy to me. It is easy to be misinterpret as you cannot help people putting you into the particular group...well...they don't know you just yet right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angel_Master Posted February 7, 2007 Report Share Posted February 7, 2007 well, it's an issue thats come up for me too.. namely can people have personal friends of the opposite sex when they are in a relationship? my girlfriend was getting jealous.. err.. opps i'm forgetting i dare not use that word.. (raising shield) anyway she was going some where that was not good.. when i talked about staying in touch with and maybe introducing her to female friends.. although she was also staying in touch (no mention of introducing me) with male friends... and yes.. it did/does really bother me when those "friends" where by her own admission at some time or other also sexual interests either clearly on their part and even worse on her part.. and I have to admit that this certainly applied to some of those who I also assumed I would stay in touch with. In my experience men and women who are not attracted to each other are hardly ever friends. I had thought that it would be alright for both of us have friends like this, but when in a passionate relationship, it's almost sure to cause some bad feelings sometimes. I think back to my parents and they had an agreement that they could only have friends who were clearly friends with both of them. There was no such thing as mom's friends and dad's friends. Now I can't see a committed relationship working any other way. In my opinion as a guy, 99% of guys who would show any interest in being friends specifically with you would at the very least be entertaining the possibility that they just might have a chance with you at some point in spite of anything they might say. But then I'm sure you already knew that. I will work on making friends both my girl and I can be friends with together. I have concluded that it's not acceptable behaviour for people of the opposite sex to spend time together when either one of them is in a committed relationship. I expect everyone knows what I mean when I say "spend time together". So, in conclusion you'd be asking for trouble big time to accept male friends to help you get out. Female friends only is a must, even though it will probably take a lot more time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
inamorato25 Posted February 7, 2007 Report Share Posted February 7, 2007 I agree with all above. Trianglechoke kind of sums it up well that if a guy is making the effort to say hi, then he's probably interested in something beyond a straight-forward friendship -- but not absolutely so. As long as you have your people-radar on, you should be able to sort out the "just wanna shag" crowd from the "think you're a hottie, but I'm happy just to be friends" crowd. I think as long as you're open about it, and you make sure the bf knows the guys and women you're hanging with, it would be OK. Personally, I don't think it requires rules quite to the extent that AngelMaster has just written -- I mean, I wouldn't want to exclude kewl people from my life just because my partner was not also a mutual friend. But as long as my gf were aware of it, and vice versa, I think that would be enough. As for jealousy, it's usually fueled by our insecurity. Brad Pitt I ain't, but I'm never worried that some guy is going to take my girl away from me? Why the confidence? Because at the end of that day, nobody can take your gf /bf away from you. If they leave you, then you probably weren't doing it for them in the first place. So no point worrying and getting jealous about something you can't control anyway. Best just to love your partner and be the best partner you can -- and that includes trusting and not worrying about their oppostite sex friends. But if I found my gf was looking for "friends" behind my back....SEE YAAaaa! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mebebill Posted February 7, 2007 Report Share Posted February 7, 2007 Dr Sassy, There are several ways to present an answer to your question. The problem is that the answers themselves ask questions. However, these are just my opinions and observations. I rarely post but I have struggled with this same issue and 60 to 75 percent of my life is spent away from "HOME". It would seem to me that if you were to ask yourself the same question and substitute your BF for yourself...how would you think/feel? Understanding that life before your relationship was filled with interests that, shall we say, where of a singles nature; do you think that those same types of gatherings are still appropriate? How many of those gatherings were of a one on one nature with the opposite sex? My guess is that there were not many that could be misinterpreted. After all, friends start as strangers and true friendships are the result of a learning/growing process. We have to differentiate between friends and aquaintence. Although I have never met you, I Percieve your personality to be of a gregarious and fun lloving nature which for a lot of guys (Rightly or wrong) will translate to "HOTTIE" on the loose. As suggested in previous replies here...maybe a good place to start would be as part of a group with similar interests. After all, there is Safety in numbers!! Good Luck and rest assured that no matter how you approach it.....there will be bumps in the road! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr_Sassy Posted February 7, 2007 Author Report Share Posted February 7, 2007 Decent answers and you all got me thinking. I don't think the way I made friend in Bkk would go the same way here. At least it would take months or years to find friends that I feel comfortable enough to share my secret(s). Probably, I will need to wait a few weeks so that I meet my real friends again when I fly back home - Thailand *sigh* I've never been out with another guy when my boy is away (except some TF parties where you can find a bunch of people) and already made it clear to those messages that if they (male/female) are free, they can invite me "AND" my boyfriend out. (Not sure if they think I was serious or joking about that) but one sure thing, my bf knows every single movement becoz I told him "I'm finding new friends to take us out". {P'Periboea} There are plenty of women on the internet, I did send messages to girls, no reply at all. Something is wrong with me :twisted: Being a Thai girl (with you know.. reputation), living here.. I have no confidence to build friendship. It has been so obvious how people been prejudging a Thai lady. Been having really terrible experience yet I'm not gonna lie I come from somewhere else. Feel like I made a mistake.. finding friends who live in the same town. Now I can only "chat" with Ammy and my gang.. I need to get a life, eh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mebebill Posted February 7, 2007 Report Share Posted February 7, 2007 inamorato25 "As for jealousy, it's usually fueled by our insecurity. Brad Pitt I ain't, but I'm never worried that some guy is going to take my girl away from me? Why the confidence? Because at the end of that day, nobody can take your gf /bf away from you. If they leave you, then you probably weren't doing it for them in the first place." Well said and I definitely agree Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GoldMember Posted February 7, 2007 Report Share Posted February 7, 2007 Just go out with a bunch of guys and mention in conversation you have herpes.The guys with bad intentions will do a runner,those remaining will just probably keep their distance.Problem solved. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sylver Posted February 7, 2007 Report Share Posted February 7, 2007 Maybe it sounds obvious, but why not simply take up the subject with your bf? After all, he will be in the exact same situation as you, and he is gonna have to come up with a solution for it as well, right? Otherwise, I would tend to agree that same interests groups are likely to be your best source of friends to hang out with, but out of pity for single guys who may fall for you, make sure they learn fast that you have a boyfriend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thelostring Posted February 7, 2007 Report Share Posted February 7, 2007 i think friends are friends,no matter opposite or same sex. as long as you don't do anything to hurt your parter. then it's fine. PS.when he fly to other countries, you can fly to China, i need company!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigBoy06 Posted February 7, 2007 Report Share Posted February 7, 2007 Is it appropriate for a girl who is in relationship to look for a new circle of friends (Male/Female).Let's say I'm not living in Thailand at the moment - I still don't know many places, I don't speak their language (I try and it sounds funny), I don't wanna stick around my bf the whole time as we need some s p a c e... For example, Friday night in Bkk, I used to go out with my friends - girls night out or a big bunch of male/female friends .. had casual dinner, talked, walked around or even went somewhere to take photos. Now I don't have those kinda friends (yet). If my bf has to fly to other country, I want new friends to take me out.. or I have something to do on my own. The point is.. what will "guys" think if I send a hello message saying that I am an expat living with my bf in this country and would love to have some new friends.. Many people have advised me that no matter how clear I say/make, they would assume that I do not have a healthy relationship and wanna get to know new guys just to get laid. What do I have to do to prove that my attention is to seek new "friends". Or it's not normal for a girl to do thing like this. I don't wanna sound like "hey.. I'm coming to blah blah.. I love your blah blah and wanna get to know you" :roll: Advice? Long distance relationships seldom last. You're only young once and exploring the world. If it feels right and you're not hurting anyone else, GO For It - Be young and be free, plenty of time in the future for more serious relationships. After experiencing life and relationships you'll have a far better idea of what it is you want and can realistically expect. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
afook06 Posted February 7, 2007 Report Share Posted February 7, 2007 Dr Sassy, I'm your friend, and will always give you the respect you deserve :wink: I know that you have a partner, and can see your point about certain things.....you still need that different experience without the girl's night out thing So, go do whatever makes you happy, as long as you know what has happened is not wrong! Hooray........ Eddie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zeusbheld Posted February 8, 2007 Report Share Posted February 8, 2007 Is it appropriate for a girl who is in relationship to look for a new circle of friends (Male/Female).Let's say I'm not living in Thailand at the moment - I still don't know many places, I don't speak their language (I try and it sounds funny), I don't wanna stick around my bf the whole time as we need some s p a c e... For example, Friday night in Bkk, I used to go out with my friends - girls night out or a big bunch of male/female friends .. had casual dinner, talked, walked around or even went somewhere to take photos. Now I don't have those kinda friends (yet). If my bf has to fly to other country, I want new friends to take me out.. or I have something to do on my own. The point is.. what will "guys" think if I send a hello message saying that I am an expat living with my bf in this country and would love to have some new friends.. Many people have advised me that no matter how clear I say/make, they would assume that I do not have a healthy relationship and wanna get to know new guys just to get laid. What do I have to do to prove that my attention is to seek new "friends". Or it's not normal for a girl to do thing like this. I don't wanna sound like "hey.. I'm coming to blah blah.. I love your blah blah and wanna get to know you" :roll: Advice? it's perfectly fine to do that, seek friends etc. that said, i dont think there's anything you can do to 'prove' your intentions, you just have to proceed with caution where men are involved. keep in mind that some guys will see it as an 'opening' no matter what and try to smooth talk you. also keep in mind that the vast majority of those who attempt this are gonna be irritating instead of smooth (although they'll be absolutely convinced they're smooth.) you'll no doubt have to do some weeding out. f any guys get to be too much of a pain in the ass, good time to change the topic to martial arts, do they study, where, and mention where your BF studies and how long he's been studying, and sneak something in there like "he's surprisingly fast and agile for such a big guy". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
haiku_newyork Posted February 8, 2007 Report Share Posted February 8, 2007 FORGET IT SASSY! Your just too too too hot looking to be allowed to leave your prison (house)....hehehe... Really the best thing is maybe your bf has some friends he already trusts for you to hang out with when he is away.... Naturally any non-gay guy will want to shag you, and that doesn't make him an automatic a**hole either. You just need to be very very clear that your in a happy relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grezzzy_Grezzzy Posted February 8, 2007 Report Share Posted February 8, 2007 We agree with many other member posts, said that guy are likely to get the wrong idea and even they say they will just be friend in their mind, most will think that this gal is looking for something extra outside her regular relationship. I understand your idea as well cos i face to this event, just need to find out new friend to do new thing and also some space without him. Otherwise Almost of guy think about me in the wrong concept!!! I am jusr a gal need to f*ck outside ....lol...you know i am kidding ( hopefully expect)...hehehe...call me once get back bkk...We can hang out...drink dance and do something crazy together...but should call me before 4 pm!! cos my working time start 4pm til....whatever.............. =} Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shortyg Posted February 8, 2007 Report Share Posted February 8, 2007 It's never easy to make a circle of friends seperate from your partner but we all need to have a life of our own for sanity. Any guys you do meet who know you have a BF already will respect your situation if they are worth becoming friends. About sounding stupid when speaking another language you should hear me try speaking Thai now thats funny. Just persevere with meeting new people and enjoy yourself, we all need friends both male and female your doing the right thing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pocket_rocket Posted February 8, 2007 Report Share Posted February 8, 2007 Being a Thai girl (with you know.. reputation), living here.. I have no confidence to build friendship. It has been so obvious how people been prejudging a Thai lady. Been having really terrible experience yet I'm not gonna lie I come from somewhere else. What?s your boyfriend thinking about leaving you alone to have a ?terrible experience?? Your bf should be helping you to build confidence. The fact that you want to meet new ?friends? makes me wonder if the prejudice is correct. The fact that tg?s are always on the lookout for the next step up the ladder makes me suspicious. To understand the prejudice is one thing to deal with it is another. I would not endorse what Periboea said, just shows lack of respect for your bf. I think both of you need to portray a sense of togetherness and find a social gathering that you both can enjoy to find new friends. To try and do it yourself IMO enforces the prejudice. And to answer your question directly of course it?s appropriate for a girl to meet new ?friends?, but a tg hmm?.. in a different country aahmm.. ? definitely not appropriate alone, but as a couple OK. The post title of ?Got a Partner and looking? can be interpreted in different ways. However if you understand the prejudice it doesn?t really give people confidence in your motives, unless of course it was just to get attention. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr_Sassy Posted February 9, 2007 Author Report Share Posted February 9, 2007 The fact that you want to meet new ?friends? makes me wonder if the prejudice is correct. The fact that tg?s are always on the lookout for the next step up the ladder makes me suspicious. To understand the prejudice is one thing to deal with it is another. I would not endorse what Periboea said, just shows lack of respect for your bf. So you are saying.. after having a bf, I, as being a Thai girl, must stop looking for friends. Completely. What?s your boyfriend thinking about leaving you alone to have a ?terrible experience?? Your bf should be helping you to build confidence. I guess you don't understand how it goes.. Thai girls living in this Muslim country.. you can't stop people from not to show racial hatred.. but hey.. I don't wanna go deep into that because it will be difficult to express into word, unless you experience it yourself, every single day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zeusbheld Posted February 9, 2007 Report Share Posted February 9, 2007 Being a Thai girl (with you know.. reputation), living here.. I have no confidence to build friendship. It has been so obvious how people been prejudging a Thai lady. Been having really terrible experience yet I'm not gonna lie I come from somewhere else. I understand how you feel, DR.S. Once a Danish woman (I met at a party) asked me about how I met my husband (after I?ve been asked that kind of question about 10 millions times, that simple question can piss me off), I told her that I was a stripper in a bar in BKK and my husband liked my **** so he married me? She never talked to me again since!!!. you should have added 'same as you' at the end. interestingly, scandinavians are amongst the most likely to prejudge thais from what i've heard, yet they don't seem to judge those of their own men who are bringing bargirls home (or moving here takiing teaching jobs). Btw : please don?t tell anyone like I did. That?s a poor example well it wont win you a new friend but it was probably fun at the time :twisted: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zeusbheld Posted February 9, 2007 Report Share Posted February 9, 2007 Being a Thai girl (with you know.. reputation), living here.. I have no confidence to build friendship. It has been so obvious how people been prejudging a Thai lady. Been having really terrible experience yet I'm not gonna lie I come from somewhere else. What?s your boyfriend thinking about leaving you alone to have a ?terrible experience?? Your bf should be helping you to build confidence. and how exactly do you propose to do that? you seem to have a vision that will help boyfriends everywhere. do you have a plan or are you just blowing smoke? The fact that you want to meet new ?friends? makes me wonder if the prejudice is correct. why exactly? The fact that tg?s are always on the lookout for the next step up the ladder makes me suspicious. the fact? oh really? all thai girls are fishing for upgrades? and this is a fact? sorta like the "fact" that all farrangs in thailand are here to shag bargirls and then complain about hte morals of thai girls? if you didnt intend to tar all thai girls with the same broad brush then think carefully about how the word "some" could be used to improve your communications efforts. To understand the prejudice is one thing to deal with it is another. and to perpetuate it yet another. congratulations! you just did. I would not endorse what Periboea said, just shows lack of respect for your bf. depends on whether he has a sense of humor, and whether he values the opinion of the stuck up old bitty asking the questions, doesn't it. I think both of you need to portray a sense of togetherness and find a social gathering that you both can enjoy to find new friends. To try and do it yourself IMO enforces the prejudice. do you have a girlfriend? are you one fo those controlling, jealous types? And to answer your question directly of course it?s appropriate for a girl to meet new ?friends?, but a tg hmm?.. in a different country aahmm.. ? definitely not appropriate alone, but as a couple OK. why? because you're demonstrating that your'e bigoted and you expect others to think the same as you? depending on the country you're probably right. The post title of ?Got a Partner and looking? can be interpreted in different ways. However if you understand the prejudice it doesn?t really give people confidence in your motives, unless of course it was just to get attention. i think the headline is obviously just to get attention, and your suspicion of her motives EVEN IF YOUR SUSPICION IS CORRECT tells more about you than her. more farrang hypocrisy *yawn*. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr_Sassy Posted February 9, 2007 Author Report Share Posted February 9, 2007 case's closed. I am not looking for any friendship in this country anymore.... :roll: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zeusbheld Posted February 9, 2007 Report Share Posted February 9, 2007 a good way to meet new people regardless of gender is to find people you share common interests with. also that has the added advantage of putting it on less of a dating footing than if you just go around meeting random people, which may well encourage people to have the wrong idea. there must be other camera dweebs in your town? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave40 Posted February 9, 2007 Report Share Posted February 9, 2007 case's closed.I am not looking for any friendship in this country anymore.... :roll: Hey Dr Sassy Lucky you didn't ask a really hard Question!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vbroker Posted February 9, 2007 Report Share Posted February 9, 2007 Many people have advised me that no matter how clear I say/make, they would assume that I do not have a healthy relationship and wanna get to know new guys just to get laid. In many/most cases initially, yes. So what? You can't change us. Why would you want to? This does not mean, however, you cannot accomplish your objective. Read on. What do I have to do to prove that my attention is to seek new "friends". Or it's not normal for a girl to do thing like this. I don't wanna sound like "hey.. I'm coming to blah blah.. I love your blah blah and wanna get to know you" :roll: Advice? Simple. State it initially and again when necessary. Then understand that even after you were clear with certain individuals they will STILL say and do stupid things in direct contrast to what they were advised. That's the way it is. Just take a look around at some of the brilliant ramblings from many TF forum posters. I don't want to go too far off base, but the point is no matter what you say or do there will always be some that just don't listen or get it and never will. Don't waste your time with those; move on. Question: Have you never gone shopping, to a fast food/lunch place, for a walk or left your residence without your BF for any reason? Has no one (a male) ever approached you to say "Hi, how are you? That's a beautiful.....Where did you get it? What is your name? My name is....." and started a conversation? Sh*t if I saw you I might do it myself. If you're polite at some point during the conversation you are going to slip in there that you have a BF. You know why you are doing it and so does he. The reason is unspoken but reasonable people know what's going on. 95% of the time that is the end of it and everyone goes their separate ways. The other 5% you know what to do with. Why should this be any different? There is one piece of advice I can give you that goes a bit against the average Thai mentality. It is not meant to be insultative and it is part of the reason why Thai people are so wonderful. Many are familiar with the Thai desire not to want to "lose face" and I would say further this partly explains why they are so accommodating; especially the women. I believe this also means many Thais (again, especially women) are not very direct and are less apt to speak their mind as a result. You will need to be quite direct with the select few males who don't get the message. If you are not direct, the clueless pursuing male may take this as an invitation to step up his pursuit. Someone like TF member PosH living in New York would be familiar with this concept. When you get tired of all the above, you can do what most women who want platonic, non-threatening male company do: acquire gay male friends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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