Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
tallboyno1

Tell us a joke!

Recommended Posts

How Women Get Jewelry

A 10 year-old girl ran home from school and excitedly said to her mother: "Mummy, Mummy, I've found out how women have babies."

"Well darling, just how do they have babies?" asked her mother inquisitively.

"Babies are made when a man sticks his penis in a woman's mouth," said the young girl.

"Oh no, darling," replied her mother, "that's how women get jewellery!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Man walks into Pharmacy

Man - " I need the Viagra please"

Pharm - "Certainly sir, may I see your prescription please?"

Man - " I have no prescrition Miss, but I brought a photo of my wife"

:P

Vithout any gratitude........... lol

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that?... Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! ...That *****!"

He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his **** off to teach him a lesson."

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand ....." :wink:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

************** "Story stolen from Smoggie about beer google"********************

So this guy walks into a bar and says, "Give me two beers." The bartender obliges him.

The guy looks into his wallet and says, "Give me two more beers." So the bartender gives him two more beers.

The man went on like this until he had put down ten beers. He looks into his wallet again and asks for two more beers.

The bartender asks, "What's in your wallet that you keep looking at?"

The man opens his wallet again and says, "The more I drink, the prettier my wife gets, then I know it's time to go home."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

LIFE EXPLAINED...

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with

the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to

support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.

Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.

On the second day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of

your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a

life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give

you back the other ten." So God agreed.

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people,do monkey

tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so.

Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.

On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy.

Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years! No way. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty,

and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the dog gave backand the ten the

monkey gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and

do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family;

for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and

for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and barkat everyone.

Life has now been explained.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed

the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds

for all male students, and the male dormitory

to the female students. Anybody caught breaking

this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule

the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third

time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:

"How much for a season pass?"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Joke 1

A guy rings up his boss and says...

'I cant come in today. I'm sick.'

His boss replies...

'Just how sick are you?'

'Well' he says 'I am in bed with my sister. How sick is that?!'

Joke 2

A guy goes down to his local bar and sees a girl standing around looking miserable. He asks her what is wrong and she explains that her husband has just left her because she is too kinky.

'That's amazing' says the guy 'the same thing happened to me. My wife left me because she said I was just too kinky.'

Well they have a few drinks and find out that they have a lot in common. They are both members of TF for a start. Well one thing leads to another and eventually they head back to her place. The girl gives the guy a brandy and whispers into his ear 'Just wait, I will slip into something more confortable'. She disappears into her bedroom and slips into her leather bondage kit. But when she returns to the living room the guy is heading for the door.

'Dont you want to stay and have some kinky fun?' she asks

'Well I have shagged the cat and shat in your purse. I'm done!!' he replies as he heads out the door.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I dunno if some of u heard of it before but well just wanna share something :lol: !!

This old story is going around again, but not as fast as Bush's clock!

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of

St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of

clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on

Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands

on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved,

indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that

one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.

The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told

only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a

ceiling fan."

:wink:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

BOY: May I hold your hand?

GIRL: No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL: Say you love me! Say you love me!

BOY: You love me...

GIRL: If we become engaged will you give me a ring??

BOY: Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL: I think the poorest people are the happiest.

BOY: Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

GIRL: Darling, I want to dance like this forever.

BOY: Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY: I love you and I could die for you!

GIRL: How soon??

BOY: I would go to the end of the world for you!

GIRL: Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON: Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??

TRACY: I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his

mouth.

MAN: You remind me of the sea.

WOMAN: Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?

MAN: NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE: You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the

other.

HUSBAND: You tell a woman something: It goes in

both ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think,

Peter?

PETER: A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

1. Girlfriend: "...And are you sure you love me and no one else?"

Boyfriend: "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday."

2. Teacher: "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"

Pupil: "The moon."

Teacher: "Why?"

Pupil: "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun

gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it."

3. Teacher: "What do you call a person who keeps on

talking when people are no longer interested?"

Pupil: "A teacher."

4. Waiter: "Would you like your coffee black?"

Customer: "What other colors do you have?"

5. My father is so old that when he was in school,

history was called current affairs.

6. Teacher: "Sam, you talk a lot!"

Sam: "It's a family tradition."

Teacher: "What do you mean?"

Sam: "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher."

Teacher: "What about your mother?" Sam: "She's a woman."

7. Tom: "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"

David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared,

past year's performance repeated."

8. Teacher: "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped

him, what virtue would I be showing?"

Student: "Brotherly love."

9. Teacher: "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before

eating?"

Sam: "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook."

10. Patient: "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"

Doctor: "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten

people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've

treated.

The others all died."

11. Teacher: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"

One Student: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married

on the same day and at the same time."

12. Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his

father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.

Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"

One Student: "Because George still had the axe in is hand."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

HOW GUYS SELECT THE GIRL THEY WANT TO MARRY?

A man is dating three women and wants to decide

which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He

gives each woman a present of $5,000

and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first gal, does a total makeover. She goes to a

fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, purchases new

make-up and buys several new outfits, and dresses up

very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has

done this to be more attractive for him because she

loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second gal, goes shopping to buy the man gifts.

She gets him a new set of STRONG golf clubs, some new

gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.

As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she

has spent all the money on him because she loves him

so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third gal, invests the money in the stock

market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives

him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a

joint account. She tells him that she wants to save

for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each

woman had done with the money.

Finally, he married the one with the largest

breasts. :!:

So how you select the one you should marry/dating? :P

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...