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tallboyno1

Tell us a joke!

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I just want you to share (a) good story(ies) with us and especially any Thai ones.

I have posted this before about Norwegians and Swedes so this is my contribution now. They are translated to English. But I promise they are better in our common similar languages (Swedish and Norwegian that are pretty similar)

------Norwegian stories from a Swedes perspective-----

Why was not Jesus born in Norway?

- Don?t know!

They couldn?t find three vise men.

What?s said on the signs in the Norwegian roundabouts?

Max 8 turns!

Do you know when Norwegians is standing still in an elevator?

- No

When the elevator have an electricity break down.

A Norwegian teacher asked his student about the most common expression in the Norwegian language.

- I don?t know, replied the student.

- Correct answer replied the teacher.

The Norwegian teacher asked his students if they know any of the generals? names in USA.

- General Motors, answered one student.

Three Norwegians was out walking when they saw a trace.

- I think it?s from a hare one of them said.

- No I think it?s from a moose said the second guy.

Before the third had a chance to say anything the train runs them over.

What?s written in the bottom of the Norwegian public pools?

- I don?t know.

No smoking.

Two Norwegian was standing and looking at the moon.

- So many people it must be living there one said.

- Yes but it must be so crowded when its half moon the other replied.

How do you make a Norwegian submarine sinking?

Well you just dive down to it and knocking.

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at the record store, a rabbit enters:
-hi, do you have carrot?

-no?

next day:

-morning, do you have carrot?

-no!

day after:

-excuse me, do you have carrot?

-no, no, no! how many time do i have to tell you we dont sell any carrot? if you come back and ask for it again next time, i'll nail you to the wall

next morning:

-hello, do you have nail?

-no?

-then, do you have carrot?

[yes, i'm cute]

YOU MOST CERTAINLY ARE

:D

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A guy walks into an ice cream shop and asks for a pint of chocolate. The clerk replies, "I'm sorry sir, but we're out of chocolate."

The man then says, "Then I'll take a quart of chocolate."

The clerk says "Sir, we are out of chocolate, I'm sorry!"

The man says, "I'll bet if I ask for a half-gallon of chocolate you'll sell it to me!"

The clerk, becoming a bit disturbed, says, "Sir, how do you spell the "van" in "vanilla?"

The man looking rather puzzled replies, "V-A-N".

"And how do you spell the "straw" in "strawberry?"

The man replies, "S-T-R-A-W".

Finally the clerk says, "And how do you spell the "fcuk" in "chocolate?"

The man thinks a little then says, "There isn't any fcuk in chocolate!"

The clerk says, "And that's EXACTLY what I've been trying to tell you!!!"

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A guy walks into an ice cream shop and asks for a pint of chocolate. The clerk replies, "I'm sorry sir, but we're out of chocolate."

The man then says, "Then I'll take a quart of chocolate."

The clerk says "Sir, we are out of chocolate, I'm sorry!"

The man says, "I'll bet if I ask for a half-gallon of chocolate you'll sell it to me!"

The clerk, becoming a bit disturbed, says, "Sir, how do you spell the "van" in "vanilla?"

The man looking rather puzzled replies, "V-A-N".

"And how do you spell the "straw" in "strawberry?"

The man replies, "S-T-R-A-W".

Finally the clerk says, "And how do you spell the "fcuk" in "chocolate?"

The man thinks a little then says, "There isn't any fcuk in chocolate!"

The clerk says, "And that's EXACTLY what I've been trying to tell you!!!"

now this one , i like. take a bow sir 8) :lol: :shock:

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In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about an very old Jewish man

who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for 60 years. So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was! She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fcuking wall."

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In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about an very old Jewish man

who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for 60 years. So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was! She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fcuking wall."

hahahaha :D:D:D:D

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Boss asked me what's wrong with my eyes, and how I got it.

Just replied him, "It's just bcoz a lust"

Wrong word, I wanna say it as "Dust"

Don't laugh!

Be careful about getting lust in your eye Angelita 8) ...i didn't laugh :D

u completed it again BB :)

I always try to complete a lady Miss IndyQueen :D

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Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers, when they realize there is no soap. Father John says that he has soap in his room, so he goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall, when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.

The three nuns stop and comment on how lifelike their new statue looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his penis. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.

"Oh look," says the first nun, "It's a soap dispenser. "

To test her theory, the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap. Now the third nun decides to have a go at it. She pulls on his manhood a few times and nothing happens, so she pulls a few more times, but still nothing happens. She decides to give it one last try, so she pulls a few more times on his manhood, and then yells, "Holy Mary... It's a hand lotion dispenser, too!" 162zas

I think we have a winner :D

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Heard this one on TV the other night, apparently it's been around in Ireland for many years:

A man is walking around the centre of belfast one night when some guy grabs him from behind, puts a gun to his head and pulls him backwards down an alleyway, the guy with the gun asks him "are you a Catholic or a Protestant ?"

The man thinks carefully before answering knowing that if he says the wrong religion he will probably be shot, he then thinks of a way not to be either and says "I'm neither, I'm Jewish"

The guy with the gun replies "well then, I must be the luckiest Arab in Belfast tonight"

Now that IS bad luck! :roll:

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Hengest turned to God and said "but surely it cant all be good" to which God replied "of course not, you've not met the fuckers you'll have as neighbours yet !"

Would that be the same one that England/ Britain has

RAPED, PLUNDERED, PILLAGED and STARVED, not to mention DIVDED and COLONIZED IN PART

All the while bringing enlightenment?

To be sure a country that has a fraction of the population of Britain could be should a bothersome neighbour.

I was under the odd impression that relations between England and Ireland were at an all time high with mutual respect and affection for each others quite different cultures being a new and welcome dawning of a mature relationship born of friendship and mostly common values.

What a fool I must be to have such an illusion?

Hi xnine100,

I don't believe that ac69uk was making an attack on Ireland or any particular nation. He was telling a joke. If you feel you have something to say on this issue that you commented about, then by all means, please post it in the "politics and social issues" forum. It will be most welcome and probably good discussion also!

Please don't feel offended, ok?

Thank you,

Bobby

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Hengest turned to God and said "but surely it cant all be good" to which God replied "of course not, you've not met the fuckers you'll have as neighbours yet !"

Would that be the same one that England/ Britain has

RAPED, PLUNDERED, PILLAGED and STARVED, not to mention DIVDED and COLONIZED IN PART

All the while bringing enlightenment?

To be sure a country that has a fraction of the population of Britain could be should a bothersome neighbour.

I was under the odd impression that relations between England and Ireland were at an all time high with mutual respect and affection for each others quite different cultures being a new and welcome dawning of a mature relationship born of friendship and mostly common values.

What a fool I must be to have such an illusion?

PLease don't get him started he is behaving :D :roll:

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A young woman in New York City was severely depressed so she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying.

He took pity on her and said,

"Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added,

"I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. This continued every night of the trip. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained.

"I get food and a trip to Europe and he's screwing me."

"He sure is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

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At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is having friends.

At age 16 success is having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is having sex.

At age 35 success is having money.

At age 50 success is having money.

At age 60 success is having sex.

At age 70 success is having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is having friends.

At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.

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Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, what in the hell do you think you're doing?"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

lol classic... havent heard it in years..

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